I have tried to post so many times, then deleted

[lesmisralbles]

I have been a complete arsehole,it means bum.
I have beeen rude,angry,nasty. I will not appologise for that, because, the anger was vented back at me. But, sometimes I hope I have been human.

I have tried to tell the truth, from my point of view. It was my view.

I drank, far too much. I still smoke, drinking has now got better, one or two,take heed, it makes you sadder, and does not work, I know.
I miss Ron like mad.
I have cried so much over the past eleven months, I have a rash around my eyes, I look like a Panda. The rash is from tears. I also looked like ****, I let myself go.
Today for the first time, mum said to me, you look like the old Barb, you look like you again.

I shall never be the old me again, I have to invent a new me.

I gave my self a talking to in the mirror.

But if anyone on here thinks I am a pushover, forget it.

You were all good enough to tell me when I talked ****.
Well, I shall butt in when you talk ****.
When I hear of dear friends going through what I did, my heart goes out to them.
I thimk you all know by now, here if needed.

Just heard a firework, god, starting early this year.
Barb X
PS
What you see, is what you get X

 

[Izzy]

Oh Barb, I never know what to say. I haven't experienced what you have. I do think of you and I do care. xxxx

 

[danny]

Barb,I can`t say I understand how you feel because I haven`t lost my life long partner.

I can feel your pain in all your posts and I hate to think of you or anyone being so full of grief,I wish I could do something but I can`t.

You do have a fighting spirit because I have seen that too and that is what will help you get through the sad times.

Best wishes Barb.

 

[lin1]

Dear Barb

I dont know what it is to lose ones soul mate, I know it must be awful and I do hope the pain will ease soon.

You have always given good sound advice on here.
Look after yourself, and be kind to yourself.

 

[Jancis]

Dear Barb,
I think I understand although I haven't suffered anything like your heartfelt pain and sadness. I often write posts and then delete. But it's good to just click the submit button sometimes and hope someone is out there who will understand as opposed to getting on their high horse. I admire you for being so honest.

 

[sallyc]

Hi Barb. What can I say? I always read your posts, whether I agree with what they say or not. I just can't imagine how hard it is for you, and others. TP has really looked after me. I hope we can help you a little, too. Take Care, Barb.

 

[buttonmoon]

I am very new on here, but having just read your messages wanted to say, my thoughts are with you

 

[maryw]

Hi Barb, it's always seemed quite clear to me that you have been dealing with all the raw emotions of grief, and difficult circumstances and that must be horrible. It all takes time. xx

 

[lesmisralbles]

Thank you

Its OK, I am not a hopeless drunk,went a bit off track for a while, there is a person I know, who has let the drink get the better of them. I shall not go down that road. I am just a sad person who misses her man. Sought solittude in a drink or ten, does not work, makes you angry and nasty. You think it will make you sleep, it does not. No, I have not joined AA, no disrespect to AA, X. Just looked at myself, and said.
No more.
I sometimes wished I could put all of you in my pocket and say, there, there, and kiss you all better. It does not work like that. Perhaps that was what I expected, someone to come along and make it all better for me. Selfish cow, me,

I am sorry if I have hurt anyone.
Barb X

PS
Not had a drink tonight, in case anyone wondered, in fact, what has it got to do with you anyway, ITS A JOKE

 

[TinaT]

I do wish you would stop saying sorry!! You have nothing at all to say sorry to anyone for! You are not sugery sweet but you have a very big heart girl and most people on here know that!

I too wish I could stop all the hurt and pain we all suffer here on tp. All we can do is what you have always done. Tell the truth and hope it will help someone else who is also suffering.

My love to you Barbs.

xxTinaT

 

[JPG1]

Tell the truth and hope it will help someone else who is also suffering.

True, so very true!

Tell the truth and hope it will help someone else who is also suffering.

No more "sorry". No need for "sorry".

Just tell it as it is ... for you.

 

[beech mount]

BUT,if you tell the truth and as it is you will upsett some of the mods,you have to tread carefully.
John.

 

[TinaT]

We have to be true to ourselves John and tell our truth in a way that is an honest attempt not to hurt others. I'm sure any moderator would agree with that.

xxTinaT

 

[Margaret W]

Hi Barb

Not saying you should get out the bottle, but don't worry too much if you do. You are a lovely lady, take care. Not sure what else to say. Jut lighting a fag as I speak!

Love

Margaret

 

[lin1]

Barb
If its selfish to need some hugs, a shoulder to cry on, someone to show they care . Then you be as selfish as you need. XXX

 

[FifiMo]

Hiya Barb

Nice to hear from you again at last

I read once how no two people grieve the same even if they are grieving over the death of the same person. Every relationship is unique and this in turn means that grief itself is unique also. You have to use every tool at your disposal to be able to find a way of coping and that doens't mean there is a right way or a wrong way of doing things - we all just have to do the best we can to get by. Yes you're right in that you will never be the same again, but that doesn't mean that different can't bring you new experiences and happiness too, in time. Whatever path your life takes from here onwards you still carry Ron with you every step of the way. No one can take that from you and no one can change that, which is comforting to know.

The thing I love about you is your honesty and that you, even when dealing with your own losses, do still reach out the hand of support and friendship to those who are treading a similar path. You have much to share on TP, and ok, your method of delivery might be direct and maybe too direct at times for some people to understand, but no one can deny that your intentions are good, honest and sincere.

Fiona
x

 

[Tender Face]

I have been a complete arsehole,it means bum.

No you haven't .....

I have beeen rude,angry,nasty.

Maybe, you have. It's called 'lashing out' because you hurt so much. Join the club!(And the club of forgiveness). If others don't understand and embrace that, shame on them.

I hope I have been human.

Human is thinking, being, hurting, rejoicing, a million things ..... and understanding and embracing others even if we feel poles part or circumstances are very different. Honesty and rawness often helps ..... both ways ....

If anyone wants to be pretend they have a halo, and have never ever been nasty or rude or angry when they are hurting (even if they just ‘thought it’ but never said it ) - or ignorant – which is a worse sin for me - God willing it will choke them!!!!

Don’t apologise for anything, Barb ... you are you. You have a lot to give. And you need on-going support and recognition for all you have done and the pain and loss you still suffer.

You may say things a bit differently at times .... but at least you are not cryptic!

Much love, Karen, x

 

[Necion]

Hi Barb, I really admire you for your honesty, not only to us, but to yourself as you see it. After all, you are the one going through your grief, no-one can do it for you, so you must allow yourself to do it in your own way, on track or off! You will get through, but in your own time.

Like many other of your TP friends, I cannot imagine what you are going through, your posts make me feel you are emotionally lost in a wilderness with no signposts for the way out. I can only hope you will soon be able to draw on the wealth of knowledge and wisdom you have gained from sharing your life with your darling Ron, and perhaps take the path he would have advised. The love you shared was obviously strong and sincere, what would Ron have wanted you to do after he passed away. If the roles had been reversed, what would you have wanted Ron to do, how would you advise him to cope and carry on.

I'm not expecting you to answer these questions on TP, but hope they may just give you a wee bit of encouragement, and maybe lead you to finding one of those signposts.

Take care of yourself dear friend, many people will need your help and advice in the future, both on TP and more close at hand. As I said, you have a wealth of knowledge and experience to give, and hopefully that will be its own reward and comfort.

Luv, Necion. x