After the awful visit with mum on Sunday I went to the CH today to see the doctor who visits Tuesday. I sat with the Director of Care and the GP and went through mum's complaints about the place. I asked if she could move to another section where the people weren't so far gone but they said there was really only a couple of people who were with it and they might not relate to mum too well.
They did agree that she could shower herself and choose her clothes for the day without assistance. I hope the message gets through to the carers. I went to see the activities co-ordinator and arranged for mum to be taken on the weekly excursion.
I couldn't visit mum - I wasn't up to it. The activities co-ordinator said not to visit in the afternoon. She said dementia patients are much better in the mornings and admittedly it was mid afternoon on Sunday when I was there.
After my visit I went to see my friend Jane whose father had dementia and ended up in a CH. I explained how mum was in despair, hating me and how I was at a loss as to what more I could do. I described mum's delusions and non existent memory and the paranoia. I said how I had looked at a lot of places before selecting this one.
It may not seem much but Jane was very helpful. She asked if I could have done more in finding a good place for her to live. I truthfully answered "no". She asked if mum was likely to be happier somewhere else and the answer was "probably not". Was she getting a good standard of care? I said "yes I believe so". Her response was "then what more could anyone do?" She said "you've done the best you could and now mum will have to make the best of it. Her disease has brought this upon her, not you, but she is incapable of realising that. You must console yourself that the perfect environment for mum doesn't exist and where she is is the next best solution." And the most telling for me was "you are not responsible for what's happened to your mother - the Alzheimer's isn't your fault. What you've done is provide her with the best possible care available. So stop beating yourself up over mum's situation."
For me this was a revelation, silly as that may sound. I think I am so used to mum blaming me for everything that I took on responsibility for her misery out of habit. I decided that while my brother is visiting every two days (he lives across the road) I will continue to manage mum's affairs and leave the visits up to him. I'm not going to allow myself to be punished any longer by mum for her disease.
For the first time in months I don't feel nauseous. I do hope Jane's words are as meaningful to others as they were to me. The Guilt Fairy has been banished from this house forever (I hope)
They did agree that she could shower herself and choose her clothes for the day without assistance. I hope the message gets through to the carers. I went to see the activities co-ordinator and arranged for mum to be taken on the weekly excursion.
I couldn't visit mum - I wasn't up to it. The activities co-ordinator said not to visit in the afternoon. She said dementia patients are much better in the mornings and admittedly it was mid afternoon on Sunday when I was there.
After my visit I went to see my friend Jane whose father had dementia and ended up in a CH. I explained how mum was in despair, hating me and how I was at a loss as to what more I could do. I described mum's delusions and non existent memory and the paranoia. I said how I had looked at a lot of places before selecting this one.
It may not seem much but Jane was very helpful. She asked if I could have done more in finding a good place for her to live. I truthfully answered "no". She asked if mum was likely to be happier somewhere else and the answer was "probably not". Was she getting a good standard of care? I said "yes I believe so". Her response was "then what more could anyone do?" She said "you've done the best you could and now mum will have to make the best of it. Her disease has brought this upon her, not you, but she is incapable of realising that. You must console yourself that the perfect environment for mum doesn't exist and where she is is the next best solution." And the most telling for me was "you are not responsible for what's happened to your mother - the Alzheimer's isn't your fault. What you've done is provide her with the best possible care available. So stop beating yourself up over mum's situation."
For me this was a revelation, silly as that may sound. I think I am so used to mum blaming me for everything that I took on responsibility for her misery out of habit. I decided that while my brother is visiting every two days (he lives across the road) I will continue to manage mum's affairs and leave the visits up to him. I'm not going to allow myself to be punished any longer by mum for her disease.
For the first time in months I don't feel nauseous. I do hope Jane's words are as meaningful to others as they were to me. The Guilt Fairy has been banished from this house forever (I hope)