Hi Stephen. I know exactly how you feel. Your mum sounds like she's at the same stage as mine and visiting her... well, let's just say I'm going through a rough patch, emotionally. She doesn't really engage with me at all now, and it's not that our relationship was that brilliant to begin with, so whenever I visit (or even think about visiting!) I get a horrible sinking feeling. It's never been something I've looked forward to, but I'm really struggling right now.
Anyway, what I wanted to tell you, and maybe remind myself too, is that I've been at this low point before. It must've been when my mum had yet another 'decline' and the visits became a bit of a clock watching exercise for me. Then I got to a stage that felt like an emotional brick wall. I really didn't think I'd be able to keep going to visit.
So I let it be for a bit and then I kind of perked up a little, enough to carry on with relatively frequent visits. I reminded myself that I don't just go to see her for myself (if I'm honest if it was about that I wouldn't bother) or for her, but also for the staff to see that she's got someone looking out for her, and to show my sons that we don't just walk away from responsibilities. They were very close to her when they were little so me going encourages them to carry on visiting which I think is good for them.
So I understand where you're at, and I hope you find a path through those feelings. I'm hoping for the same for myself. xxx