I don't want to be a carer anymore

[mc170202]

Sorry everyone, I just need to blow off some steam. I really really really want to quit.
Just how creative can a person with dementia be?
Accusation of all kinds coming right out from her imagination with no reason makes carers' life a living hell. The worst thing is she genuinely believes her imagination is true, and acts accordingly.

My Grandma had a tantrum first thing in the morning. She made huge noise to wake everyone and accused the helper not treating her right because she is old and alone, no one cares about her (beside she is old, none of that is true). She won't hear any reasoning (yes, I know I shouldn't even try reasoning/explaining. I should just go along with whatever she says. Even when she was implying I taught the helper how NOT to respect her and made every little thing in her life horrible.), just keep on saying how weak and old and poor she was, and how badly she was treated SINCE the helper came back from the supermarket WITH ME yesterday (which I didn't leave the house at all). If you listen carefully, she was not accusing of anything in particular, just how she felt she was not respected since yesterday.

While I was preparing to go to work, she started her accusations implying I was the bad guy behind all her recent suffering. I was in a hurry, so I didn't stay for the entire episode. And I heard enough to know she was beyond reason, there can be nothing good coming out from her month. I also saw that she believed in what she was saying wholeheartedly, to the point her hands were trembling with rage. Since mum was the listener, I told her what actually happened yesterday. Mum guessed Grandma was not happy/angry mostly because the fact that "Daughter (my mum) went home for the day.", instead of "Grand-daughter asks helper to do things without asking for her permission." (act of disrespectful in her understanding). I don't know if that is true, and I don't care now. Cause I believe it is best if we don't see each other for a good period of time.

I don't know how others can deal with all those without letting them get to you. I have read so much about this disease, but I don't think all those readings help prepare me for this.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @mc170202

Do you think your family is taking advantage of you? I do not feel it is fair for a grandchild to have to accept so much responsibility.

Try to speak calmly to your mother. It is difficult enough being a carer but having to accept being verbally abused and accused is well over your remit.

Perhaps additional help could be arranged.

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @mc170202

I remember you were struggling with your grandma a few months ago and I didn’t think you’d still be caring for her after all this time. You’ve been a real hero but I think now is the time to say enough is enough. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to look after your grandma.

I can’t remember if you live with your Grandma?

Could you speak to your mum and tell her you need respite? Is it time to consider a carehome? You sound close to care breakdown and you shouldn’t be putting your own mental health at risk to care for your Grandma. If your mum can’t manage without you for a while she needs to find another solution for your grandma.

I know it won’t be an easy conversation to have but I really think you should step back.
Good luck ?

 

[mc170202]

Hi @mc170202

I remember you were struggling with your grandma a few months ago and I didn’t think you’d still be caring for her after all this time. You’ve been a real hero but I think now is the time to say enough is enough. It shouldn’t be your responsibility to look after your grandma.

I can’t remember if you live with your Grandma?

Could you speak to your mum and tell her you need respite? Is it time to consider a carehome? You sound close to care breakdown and you shouldn’t be putting your own mental health at risk to care for your Grandma. If your mum can’t manage without you for a while she needs to find another solution for your grandma.

I know it won’t be an easy conversation to have but I really think you should step back.
Good luck ?

Yes, that's me. You have such good memory :-D. Grandma behaved pretty good in the previous months (may also due to I didn't stay with her as mush as before). We have a lot of carehomes in the area. However, she won't agree to any. And yes, my mum and I have decided to move to an apartment 10 mins away from her. Just to give each other some space.

 

[Bunpoots]

I hope things improve once you and your mum move into your own apartment @mc170202 . I know I couldn’t have lived with my dad - having my own home to retreat to made all the difference!

Good luck with the move. Let us know how it pans out.

 

[NHB]

Sorry everyone, I just need to blow off some steam. I really really really want to quit.
Just how creative can a person with dementia be?
Accusation of all kinds coming right out from her imagination with no reason makes carers' life a living hell. The worst thing is she genuinely believes her imagination is true, and acts accordingly.

My Grandma had a tantrum first thing in the morning. She made huge noise to wake everyone and accused the helper not treating her right because she is old and alone, no one cares about her (beside she is old, none of that is true). She won't hear any reasoning (yes, I know I shouldn't even try reasoning/explaining. I should just go along with whatever she says. Even when she was implying I taught the helper how NOT to respect her and made every little thing in her life horrible.), just keep on saying how weak and old and poor she was, and how badly she was treated SINCE the helper came back from the supermarket WITH ME yesterday (which I didn't leave the house at all). If you listen carefully, she was not accusing of anything in particular, just how she felt she was not respected since yesterday.

While I was preparing to go to work, she started her accusations implying I was the bad guy behind all her recent suffering. I was in a hurry, so I didn't stay for the entire episode. And I heard enough to know she was beyond reason, there can be nothing good coming out from her month. I also saw that she believed in what she was saying wholeheartedly, to the point her hands were trembling with rage. Since mum was the listener, I told her what actually happened yesterday. Mum guessed Grandma was not happy/angry mostly because the fact that "Daughter (my mum) went home for the day.", instead of "Grand-daughter asks helper to do things without asking for her permission." (act of disrespectful in her understanding). I don't know if that is true, and I don't care now. Cause I believe it is best if we don't see each other for a good period of time.

I don't know how others can deal with all those without letting them get to you. I have read so much about this disease, but I don't think all those readings help prepare me for this.

Hi, I’ve not posted for sometime now & reading your story I see nothing has changed when it comes to this awful diseases! My mother has had dementia for many years but it was only diagnosed 3 years ago! Since covid my mother has become aggressive, angry & constantly abusive towards me! Nothing i do is ever good enough! I can’t begin to tell u how horrid she is towards me. It’s relentless & very draining. This will sound cruel but the only way i deal with it is, I’ve told myself my mother has died & the woman im caring for is s patient. Sadly with the constant abuse I cannot say there is love there, it’s purely duty of care, only way for me handle the situation for my emotional, mental wellbeing! It’s still hard & even doing all that she still finds a away to hurt!! Sadly, there is no solution or resolution other then care home or learning to ignore the behaviour! ??

 

[taliahad]

Have you asked your doctor for medication? I asked for medication for my mother some months ago and the doctor refused saying it would shorten her life but things were so bad a few weeks ago that I got back in contact with the doctor and tried again. I was at my wits end and just said that I didn't care if her life was shortened, I couldn't cope with her and think quality of life is more important than quantity, the doctor agreed and prescribed risperoden which has helped enormously. Get all the help you can

 

[NHB]

Hi, I’ve not posted for sometime now & reading your story I see nothing has changed when it comes to this awful diseases! My mother has had dementia for many years but it was only diagnosed 3 years ago! Since covid my mother has become aggressive, angry & constantly abusive towards me! Nothing i do is ever good enough! I can’t begin to tell u how horrid she is towards me. It’s relentless & very draining. This will sound cruel but the only way i deal with it is, I’ve told myself my mother has died & the woman im caring for is s patient. Sadly with the constant abuse I cannot say there is love there, it’s purely duty of care, only way for me handle the situation for my emotional, mental wellbeing! It’s still hard & even doing all that she still finds a away to hurt!! Sadly, there is no solution or resolution other then care home or learning to ignore the behaviour! ??

Yes, that's me. You have such good memory :-D. Grandma behaved pretty good in the previous months (may also due to I didn't stay with her as mush as before). We have a lot of carehomes in the area. However, she won't agree to any. And yes, my mum and I have decided to move to an apartment 10 mins away from her. Just to give each other some space.

Hi
I have not posted for sometime either! Reading your post, everything you saying sounds exactly like my mother! There are days I write in my diary venting how much i hate her! The frustration, emotion, depression, anxiety, lack of sleep, the list is endless of how i feel! Whatever i do is never good enough or enough! It’s as if she enjoys abusing me! Sadly im her only carer! My brother is estranged. He leaving to deal with all the rubbish & surface when its time to claim his inheritance! I feel all your pain & wish i could join u in no longer being a carer!!! But I can’t so i am learning to ignore & be stern & matter of fact when dealing with her. X