i dont like myself very much never did but now i have had to change re dementia


Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
i feel worse
talking to visiting psycologist yesterday
i am kind caring patiet sensative always have been
but now i am bossy in charge and i dont like this roll
love bel x


Registered User
Sep 27, 2006
Bell, in the situation you find yourself in, someone has to take charge, and it has to be you! You did not ask for dementia to enter your life, it just did. And now you are dealing with it in the best way you can. Neither you or I were 'perfect people' before but I'm quite sure we are better people now because of what we have been through. Every step we take is a step in the dark which we have to take. The only guide we have to light our way is love and what courage we can muster to continue to take our small, sometimes backward, steps.

Keep fighting the good fight my love, and stop doubting yourself.



Registered User
Aug 29, 2006
SW Scotland
i am kind caring patiet sensative always have been
Bel, love, you are still all of those things!:)

You are looking after Bob, making all the decisions for you both, and keeping him safe and boosting his morale.

Bob is no longer able make decisions for himself, he is ill. So you do it for him!:)

That doesn't make you bossy, it makes you kind, caring, patient and sensitive!:)

So you're still the same bel really. It's time you started liking yourself -- we all like you!:)



Account Closed
Nov 23, 2007
Bossy, YOU

Dear Bel
I have read most of your post's.
You are NOT BOSSY:)
We all change because of being a carer for someone with dementia.
That is the nature of us as human's.
You be YOU:)
I for one would not have you any other way:)

Love Barb XX & Ron ZZZ


Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
Bel I do understand what you mean.

Over the last 6 years I have changed probably 6 times. As each different facet of the disease shows itself I have found that I have to change to cope.

My values have changed, my needs have changed and my attitudes have been broken and reformed so many times.

Sometimes I get up in the morning and genuinely do not know who I am or was anymore.

With the help of other TP contributors have come to understand that this state is very common and that it may be sometime before I can be myself again.

If I do it will be a different self. More tolerant, more understanding, more appreciative of things that I used to take so much for granted.

I think also that I will be more confident to face the things that life throws in my direction. Better able to spot the fools and time wasters.

The disease that my wife has leads me, kicking and screaming, down paths that I do not want to tread but, recently, I realised that I was really kicking and screaming against myself and the unfairness of the situation I find myself in.

From somewhere deep inside Bel I am sure that you will find what is needed to see these problems through.

It is hard work with very little pleasure.

I send you my best wishes and, I hope, my understanding.


Registered User
Nov 28, 2005

I have read your post and those following - all excellent advice for you. You are still the same Bel but with more responsibilities. You should be extremely proud of yourself and I am sure Bob would be if he were his normal healthy self.

We are all in this together and you, along with others, help me down this very tricky road.

Take care Love Jan


Registered User
Jun 3, 2005
Hiya Bel

I'm having similar feelings about myself. I moved in with my Mum, before she was officially diagnosed, to look after her and with the intention of giving her the best care I could. In my working life I had been organising & administrating for over 35 years, surely those skills could be translated into Mum's situation? Two years on and I seem to have turned into some sort of tyrant; bad-tempered, snappy, bossy, grumpy, frustrated, miserable - all that & more.
I wanted to protect her from the self-destructive symptoms of Alzheimer's (and still do) and try to ensure that she got the best support available.
Sounds easy, doesn't it. Should work like clockwork in our welfare-conscious conscious country, right?

But it's not easy, and none of us are super-human or miracle-workers, and the emotional effect of watching our loved ones deteriorate before our eyes can't be imagined until it's experienced. Just as the disease changes them, it changes us right along with them as we travel a parallel path along the journey. Don't make yourself worse by wrestling with the guilt-monster, we all know he appears at the worst moments, but he really has no justified place here with us.

Grommit said:
The disease that my wife has leads me, kicking and screaming, down paths that I do not want to tread but, recently, I realised that I was really kicking and screaming against myself and the unfairness of the situation I find myself in.
Amen to that, and you know what? I forgive me for feeling sorry for myself - this situation is beyond my worst nightmare and I'm only human, as are you all reading this.


Registered User
Nov 16, 2007
East Midlands
Hello Bel,

My heart goes out to you..

For so long you have been battling to keep your lives afloat..and now has come the point when "something has to give"

You don't realise it but you've been so strong for so many years
..and it's time to reassess your situation..which you are now in the process of doing..and this process is never easy.

You have your own health problems,and Bob to think of..and the business..sudenly it's all become too much.
Dear Bel..that doesn't make you a bad person, or a worthless person..or give you reason to hate yourself...

You are struggling against the odds..Try to stop struggling and accept that there are some things you will never change.
Don't panic...it will work out...

I too know how hard it is to have to take the responsibility for everything...I do not enjoy having this thrust upon me..

Like Grommit..I feel I am continually having to reinvent myself to deal with changing situations..I suspect you're in the same boat, Bel...

Stay with us.....:)

You have always been to me a strong and caring person...please don't doubt yourself.
Love gigi xx

I thought Grommit's post was spot on!!!


Registered User
Feb 13, 2008
Hi Bel

There has been some fantastic advice given here so I'm certainly no going to try to give you any.

I too have found myself to be a totally different person what with looking after mum and now dad.
I feel as though I am now the parent of these two older people and I don't want to be that at all. My two sons have only really just left home (allbeit at couple of years now) and Jon and I want time together but its not going to happen for quite some time to come.

Love AndreaX


Registered User
Apr 26, 2006
thanks all so much

as always you have al hepled
this is just another roll i have to come to terms with
i like a lot of others are from the old school man is head of the house etc and although i ask bobs opinion on things and include him in descission to make him feel better
i know its down to me and i worry it is making him feel less of a man
may be this is my problem
love bel x