Hello, I've not been here for a little while, I've been struggling with life in general and my sister has shattered her ankle so she's also bed bound!! But I've been to see mum today and I'm stuck, I've nothing left in the tank and she was so desperately sad today that I blubbed like a baby in front of her and I tried and tried to stop but I couldn't. Her communication isn't great anymore a lot of what she says is I don't know what to do or I can't do anything, and it feels as if she's trying to say that she's so sad that she can't do anything anymore herself and she's fed up pure and simple. I normally try and talk chit chat, about my day or what my son has been up to but that sometimes makes it worse because it must remind her somewhere that she can't take part. I've tried reading to her, which sometimes goes ok but other times my voice just seems to wind her up. I'm not sure if I'm just feeling extra emotional because I'm so tired but I just can't think what else to say or talk about. Any words of wisdom would be great at the moment
I don't know what to say or do??
- Thread starter HartleyHugs
- Start date
Hello @HartleyHugs
There is no need to try to make conversation with someone who has lost their language. It is putting more strain on yourself and a wasted effort if it isn`t understood.
Just sitting with your mother, maybe holding her hand and giving her some physical contact, playing soothing music or even sitting quietly and reading for yourself, could bring her some comfort.
You will have no idea what she thinks, feels and hears but your presence may bring her comfort even if she is unable to show it.
There is no need to try to make conversation with someone who has lost their language. It is putting more strain on yourself and a wasted effort if it isn`t understood.
Just sitting with your mother, maybe holding her hand and giving her some physical contact, playing soothing music or even sitting quietly and reading for yourself, could bring her some comfort.
You will have no idea what she thinks, feels and hears but your presence may bring her comfort even if she is unable to show it.
Hello @HartleyHugs, I think we all seem to get to a point that we just cannot take any more and something has to give. This illness takes not only our loved ones from us but it takes it toll on us as well. I thought it would be somewhat easier when Mum went into the nursing home, physically it was, but mentally I find it hard to deal with.
I rarely speak to mum now because she very doesn't understand what I'm saying so very often will sit with her, my hand by her arm - she's not a hand holder but there are a few occasions when she has actually held my hand. I think I try to cling to "my old mum", wanting her to be as she was, even though in reality I know that can't happen.
I hope your sister is ok, be kind to yourself and take care. Sending some hugs your way if needed.
I rarely speak to mum now because she very doesn't understand what I'm saying so very often will sit with her, my hand by her arm - she's not a hand holder but there are a few occasions when she has actually held my hand. I think I try to cling to "my old mum", wanting her to be as she was, even though in reality I know that can't happen.
I hope your sister is ok, be kind to yourself and take care. Sending some hugs your way if needed.
I’m sorry things are so tough for you as I know how difficult it is to feel close to breaking point. I found taking my dog to the nursing home/hospital helped as my Mum seemed to get some pleasure from stroking her and the other residents enjoyed seeing her too. I also thought of reading a short story out loud next time I visit as again it makes you feel as though your doing something. Perhaps have a break from visiting might help as well.
Thank you, I'd not thought about just reading and seeing what happens. I do feel as though I'm just talking for talking sakes.
Hugs are always needed. I just felt so rubbish today when I couldn't stop crying, so maybe it's time to just be there for her and see what happens
Some good advice already given!
I just wanted to add that the your words highlighted above really resonated with me.
I certainly feel more emotional when I am tired.
Difficult though it is try to “top up your tank” by getting some much needed rest and some “me time”.
💕
Thank you, it's just so hard at times isn't it? Sometimes I feel like I'm ok and got it under control then other days are like today and I just want to cry. But mum just looked so desperately unhappy today, I very rarely ever saw her cry and today the tears just couldn't stop. But I've had a nice tea with my son and husband and we're going to have a snuggle on the sofa and watch naff TV which will take my mind off things
I try the following. Some days one activity goes better than another. Some lovely smelling hand cream and massage it onto their hands and forearms. Do their nails. Singing tunes like Old Macdonald. Kids painting book that colours up with water, then dries and the colour goes so it can be reused. Gift wrap up a cheap bar of chocolate/ biscuits so that they can unwrap it. Putting a song on your phone and dancing with them, ( more of a hugging shuffle than dancing). Stroking their face gently.
And sometimes just sitting quietly.
I hope your Mum gives you a smile soon.
And sometimes just sitting quietly.
I hope your Mum gives you a smile soon.
I read on here a while ago someone who said they took their therapeutic colouring in and just sat and did it in the presence of their PWD. I’ve banked that idea - I love to paint for relaxation so when mum is in residential care in the future I thought of keeping a box for me in her room and just going and being there….perhaps with some relaxing music on. Activities, talking, conversation etc in late stage doesn’t seem to work.
How about an audible book? You could both listen together? Or put on some TV that you know she previously would have enjoyed.
How about an audible book? You could both listen together? Or put on some TV that you know she previously would have enjoyed.
I can only agree, this is so difficult. I found I reached a point, probably 2 years ago, when I felt I just couldn't do this anymore. Well here I am, still trying my best to visit mum, but not as often as I feel others think I should. I really have nobody else helping with the visiting and it is so emotionally draining. We all do as much as we can manage and should not feel any guilt, but we do.
Thank you for some really good ideas, I think I have to accept that it's not my mum as she used to be, and take it one visit at a time. I'm definitely going to take something for me to do while there so we can try and sit quietly together
Hi @HartleyHugs and I can only echo the other comments on this thread. I often used to just be there with my Mum, holding her hand , and just 'being' with her. She had passed the stage of communication by this time, and although I did talk about family stuff that was going on, as I thought she may well still be hearing me, once that was done we sat quietly together. I do cherish those memories.
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