I do wish my wife to die.

[longacre]

I feel very humbled by this thread and am posting a rather hesitant reply. Having lived in the 'dementia world' for around eight years now with my father now dead and my mother in a care home I have had two rather different experiences which connect to many already mentioned.

With my father it was unbearable to lose him - first to dementia and then death. I was distraught and realised how much I loved him after a life where we were not connected for much of it. In an odd way the dementia connected us.

With my mother I feel much more ambivalent. She is very tricky, always has been and is now tricky with Alzheimers. Not always a brilliant combination. I am afraid I have been thinking about her death and silently wishing it which makes me cringe even to write this down.

So I am wishing her end but not out of the intense love initially and so movingly mentioned. I know this is horribly selfish and I feel embarrassed by it. I wish it were otherwise but it isn't

 

[stanleypj]

longacre, I don't think you should feel selfish or embarrassed. You have been honest - and that is the most important thing on here in terms of helping others in their journey.

 

[jimbo 111]

Over the past week there have been many threads about
On other threads, there has been some discussion about death.-------------------

"For myself death holds no terrors, indeed I would welcome it. But I am very concerned that, were I to go first, my wife would not understand and would be very frightened. She would have nobody to fight her corner and provide her few moments of enjoyment. So, I pray for her to die before me, thus she would not have to face the world without my support. I would rather it was sooner rather than later. I hope that I may be forgiven, but I do wish for my wife to die. She would then be spared the pain and indignities of the later stages of this merciless disease. And so would I, and I could then let go. Our two lives, at the moment are mere existence, no more.
I wish this because of my love for her, I can’t bear to think of her, alone and defenceless without me.

"

Hello gringo
I can understand your emotions
Every word you have written in the above quote could have been written by me in the past
The exception being I was caring for my wife at home until she died
I don’t know if my experience gives you any comfort or not
We were married for 60 years ,and in the latter period my thoughts were absorbed in doubts and fears about going before she died just like you
That was nearly 3years ago ,I am glad she was saved from the worst of AD
I am terribly saddened but grateful for her death,
I do not fear death myself , but not a day goes by that I wish it would end
I do not feel morbid or dwell on it
I lead a normal life as far as other people are concerned
I am sure your feelings will continue and you will do the best you can
Writing your thoughts on TP can be very therapeutic and I am sure it will help you in your darkest moods
I wish you well
jimbo 111

 

[hollycat]

Hi Gringo

I wanted to reply to your thread last night but couldn't because it has left my head spinning.

OH and I are in our 50's. I have been brought up to look forward to my old age pension, retirement, gardening, spoiling the grandchildren etc etc etc.

Thanks for such an honest, frank and moving post; it has opened my ignorant eyes.

I just wanted to say thankyou from the bottom of my heart for sharing your inner feelings; you have given my OH and I a lot to think about for OUR future.

Many many thanks x x x

 

[brat63]

long time married with dementia

Gringo - I too can sympathize with you over you situation with your wife. My wife an I have been married for 57 Years and I dread the thought of her being left alone if I should die first. Fortunately my wife is a few years older than me so we have a bit of a chance. She is at home with me and we have a little help from agencies but i have no intention of parting with her into CH until it becomes absolutely necessary although I must admit care is becoming more difficult each day. I understood that retirement was supposed to be enjoyable!!! Maybe I should be grateful for the opportunity to repay my wife for all the years she has devoted to me. To all correspondents Have the best Christmas you can and like me be grateful for one more together -- Brat63

 

[Saffie]

I lost my mother after AD. I loved her greatly but after she died my life continued.
When my husband dies, if he pre-deceases me, my life will not.

 

[bozzie]

My mum is 93, nearly 94. Until about 3months ago, she was active and able to do limited things for herself. She has been through shingles, chest infections, numerous TIA's and a lot of upheaval in her personal life, moving in with us, watching her sister die in front of her one dinner time this January. She was diagnosed with cardiovascular dementia 2 years ago, and all the above failed to bring her down. Now she is doubly incontinent, unable to feed herself, not eating properly and not caring about how she looks. This is not my mum, and if she has another major incident, I will ask for her to be DNR because the quality of life she has now is rubbish. I love her like no other but this is not how a woman of her worth should end. My feeling is that she should be released now, before the indignities become too much.

 

[SueShell]

Gringo, I agreee with Deedee1.My Mum get very lonely consequently i spend far too much time with her and then have no time for myself at all. I am worn out, she repeatedly says she doesn't want to live anymore. I pray every night that she dies. Yes I'm being selfish because I do want my life back, but also because she doesn't want to live why should her awful life be prolonged when she has no quality of life whatsoever. I do understand, its trying to find relief, closure and compassion for both the afflicted love one and the carer also. AZ/D never just affects the person, it also affects those around them. I just keep remembering my cousin who nursed her Father with AZ and six months after her Father died, she died also. Afraid this just keeps playing on my mind all the time that the same thing will happen to me, as just when I'm at the stage of my life to retire and enjoy the fruits of my labour I am now nursing my Mum with no time to do the things I was hoping to be able to do. Maybe I am being selfish then.

 

[Big Effort]

Dear Gringo,
I admire you, and strange as this sounds, I read your amazing, thoughtful, lucid, intelligent posts, as you have become a bit of a Parent-by-choice. Why this? My daughter went to stay with a friend whose grand-parents are both alive, well-of-mind and full of life. She came home saddened that Alzheimers has stolen that relationship from her and her grand-mother.

I understood, but I suppose I have had 53 years in the company of my Mum and have many more years of memories to draw upon than my daughter. Also Mum is the only grand-parent she has, the others having died before her birth.

Now, as I read your honest posts, I miss the depth and intelligence and humanity of my Mum. It isn't there any more, stolen by dementia. And I read your posts and you say just what I know my mother would say. She did 'coddle' my Dad right to the grave, keeping him at home (we helped too and took a year off work), and this sustained her in the following 20 years of her life. Now how would I abandon her at her time of need? Never!

In many ways, caring for someone through thick and thin, is the biggest challenge we face, because at the end, we will lose the person. Being there is what counts.

I am having to work so hard on my compassion (yes, I admit I hate the dementia itself and often confuse it with Mum). You are so compassionate and gentle and wise. Your wife is lucky to have such a faithful, loving husband watching out for her. May I be like this for my Mum, through thick and thin also.

Important point: you are having an extremely stressful time right now. Are you looking after yourself as the very special person you are? To outlive her, you need to be fit, rested, well, and in strong mental shape also.

A beautiful, moving and honest post that you wrote. Again (as in yet another one). You are an amazing man, Mike, and I hope you know it! Hugs, be well, be strong for your wife and you, BE

 

[Padraig]

Your post makes me realise how lucky I've been. Though I was in my 70s in the final years of caring for my wife I managed very well and have many happy memories of her final years together. The worst period of our 12+ years journey was the NH stay. The daily visits; watching her fade, no longer capable of movement or speech. Many have described on here the same condition she was in. In addition she refused food and drink.

As I say I was very lucky. For one, I was fit both mentally and physically to care for her 24/7 on my own in our own home. I'm no saint, my life was as nothing compared to hers.
How lucky can anyone get? After her passing I am now struggling with the aftermath of major cancer surgery, have my affairs in order and just waiting to join her. Quality of life living alone and constant pain is nil, but must make the best of pain free time.

Thanks to those who gave me advice about finding a support group. It took a while and now I learn that there is a support group to start up in the area in April!

Here are photos two weeks before she passed away: shopping as normal.

 

[stanleypj]

Thanks for sharing these lovely photos, Padraig. You deserve the biggest gold star imaginable!

And your wife must have been at heart a very determined woman to climb back, with your help, from the state she was allowed to sink into.

Your story should make us question a lot of assumptions.

 

[creativesarah]

thanks for the photos Padraig

 

[rjm]

Padraig, you are so fortunate to have those memories.

 

[Big Effort]

Dear Padraig,
Your photos brought tears to my eyes. This is humanity at its best. You are an amazing man. I hope others are supporting you now as you supported your wife????
What a lucky woman to have had someone like you at her side.
How are you feeling tonight? Pain free I hope? Hugs, BE

 

[gringo]

I have never done a striptease but I think I now know what it feels like. Some of the comments here tell me I have revealed more than I intended.
Hello Jimbo. I have read and appreciated your posts for many months, and felt that we had quite a bit in common. But I never thought that our paths were so close. I appreciate your response and your good wishes.I’m not sure what to say about your wife. Sorry for you, glad for you, both I suppose. Keep posting, people with your depth of experience and knowledge are worth their weight in gold on here.
I can’t imagine writing as I have done, anywhere but on TP. It’s a real safety valve.
Hello hollycat, You are too kind . Enjoy each day together. Now. Don’t wait for tomorrow.
brat63. Although I know its hard, I envy you with you wife at home.
Saffie. Two short lines and you said everything.
BE. May I PM you?
Padraig, I have always admired you and what you have done. Thanks for putting the two pictures on. They say so much about your relationship. Sorry you are now having such a bad time.

 

[Padraig]

Sorry for being so late in replying as I've had a bad day or two.
Thank you all so much for your kind wishes. One point struck a note: "to question a lot of assumptions": by stanlypj. That's the story of my life, as I've always lived "outside of the box."
One small example was during the very early stages of my wife's AD I injured my back lifting a trailed loaded with sand. Over time my right leg muscles begun to waste and an MRI scan was arranged. AS a result it was decided that I required an operation. Months prior to the operation I began my own course of exercises in the hope of avoiding an operation. The result was the op was canceled and a spinal injection was arranged instead. By the time the injection was due, I was asked:"Where's the pain?" I replied there was no pain, then asked if I could touch my toes. That I duly did. As a result the doctor said: "To give you the injection would be like giving you paracetamol when you don't have a headache."
That was about 20 years age; and they said I'd never run again. Well I did this morning though it was harder going than normal.
Two small tips I discovered caring for my wife at the end stage.
Kept her nose clean with the use of cotton buds, as she could not raise her hand to her face. When the nose gets blocked, due to dry air (central heating) one tends to breath through the mouth. Aromas are very important they can trigger memories of places, people, foods etc.
Ears kept clear of surplus wax as sounds of familiar voiced serve to comfort. I use to phone her sisters in Co.Durham so as she could hear the Geordie accent of her home town. Because she could no longer speak I asked her sisters to just talk to her.
Sorry for such a long post, but it would take far too much writing to explain the many simple ways I managed to change my wife's condition.
Once again thanks to you all for your best wishes.