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I didn't see it coming!

Discussion in 'I have a partner with dementia' started by Kijo, May 10, 2015.

  1. Kijo

    Kijo Registered User

    Feb 9, 2014
    31
    I have to get this off my chest so I can hopefully let it go, and I know this is the only place to offload without repercussions. I apologize now if it turns into a long rant.

    My OH and I had a nice evening out last night out at our friends place, lots of chat and laughter. He was having problems finding his thoughts and articulating as usual, but he had some good conversations non the less. As always they aren't connected and his thoughts jump all over the place, but we have all learned to go with the flow.

    We were driving home around 10:45 (a 15 minuted drive home), and one minute he was talking about how happy he is my son is enjoying the spring league hockey and doing well, the next he throws out that he is not happy I never say thank-you for what he does. I asked him to explain, and by the time I got home he was crawling on the kitchen floor trying to link the cupboard to the dishwasher - making no sense at all, and then I figured out the he was saying a few days ago he had put the soap in the dishwasher, ran it, and put the dishes away and I didn't say thank-you.
    Yup, he did that - with a stack of dirty dishes on the counter and about 12 dishes in the dishwasher. I have asked him about 20 times not to run the dishwasher until it is full, so when he did it I didn't say anything and let it ride. I told him that last night, and like all other times he said - "oh, now I know not to run it until it is full".

    When he blind-sided me with this though, I went into defensive mode and just told him it is part of running a household and he doesn't thank me for all the things I do to keep the house running. Not the right thing to say!! What I didn't say is that I do thank him when he cleans the bathrooms (and I have to finish it or redo it), when he washes the floors (and I have to put everything back in its place or put the cleaning supplies away), when he empties the dishwasher (and I have to put away the dozen or so things he can't remember where they go). I do say thank you quite often actually, and 90% of the time he doesn't acknowledge me when I am talking to him. I didn't say any of that out loud, but it fueled my anger.

    Next thing I know we are yelling at each other about trading places, and my 27 year old son came up from downstairs to quiet us down as he realized we had reached personal attack mode. I felt so bad that he had to witness that scene. He told me that just because his dad swerved into the road with this, I had to grab the steering wheel back from him as I am the only one who can. It stopped the argument, put my OH in tears, and left me fuming that the day ended this way.

    My son gave us hugs and went back downstairs with the argument stopped. My OH sat on the couch and for 20 minutes mumbled "thank-you" about 50 times, and in my head I was screaming at him to shut up and let it go. My son doesn't witness those types of fixations that come over my OH frequently. Still upset and fuming I went to bed to get away from his mumbling.

    I woke before 6 am, and found I am still quite upset this morning; mad at myself for letting it get out of control, mad at what this disease brings out in both of us from time to time, mad that I can't let this go.

    I am trying to let it go, I know it is the disease, but some days it is harder to, and like a bruise it takes time to fade to the back of my mind. For him, today is just another day, and who knows what he is really thinking.
     
  2. Chuggalug

    Chuggalug Registered User

    Mar 24, 2014
    8,007
    Norfolk
    There's so much that goes on like this that I never share. It just goes on and on. Today, I finally got around to starting cleaning. It's never worth it when hubby's home as he trails filth everywhere. That's as far as I'll take that, but today, finally seeing a nice clean kitchen again. It's been ages since I bothered to do more than a cursory wipe down. Bungalow must think it's birthday has come!

    I love a clean home. You rant away, Kijo. Sometimes, letting it loose is the only way we can have an emotional clear out. Wishing you tons of strength and patience, plus a big hug to go with it.
     
  3. truth24

    truth24 Registered User

    Oct 13, 2013
    5,726
    North Somerset
    Sorry to read your post, Kijo. This brings back so many memories of when I was, at times, a slut, the laziest person in the world, sat on my backside all day, had a stolen his house, car, money etc. All so hurtful but useless to reason. Sorry I can't offer comforting words. We can't always stay calm and remember that it's not him speaking but please rant away when you need to. We've all been there
     
  4. Mossyanne1

    Mossyanne1 Registered User

    Feb 10, 2015
    45
    I understand totally what you are saying. Last night I was helping my OH to have a bath, by the time he had managed to get into bed I was totally exhausted and had lost my cool three times. I try so hard to keep calm but when I tell him time after time the same thing and it still doesn't go in, my frustration point hits rock bottom. Again I don't seem to get much housework done and I sit down and my achievement at the end of the day is zero. So please don't be so hard on yourself we are all in the same place, give yourself a big fat pat on your back for dealing with it day after day. We are all heroes.


    Sent from my iPad using Talking Point
     
  5. WIFE

    WIFE Registered User

    May 23, 2014
    857
    WEST SUSSEX
    I suspect so many of us totally understand your "rant" and why, Kijo. Sometimes it is just the last straw and you have to retaliate or burst. Don't take it too hard or to heart or you will make yourself truly miserable and your life sounds hard enough as it is at the moment. Hope the sun shines for you today. WIFE
     
  6. Shiela

    Shiela Registered User

    Mar 26, 2015
    20
    hi there I share your pain it's doesn't get any easier does it! I can usually hold my temper but sometimes you just have to let go we wouldn't be normal if we didn't. I think having a good rant helps so you rant any time you want. Take care and try to keep smiling
     
  7. Lilac Blossom

    Lilac Blossom Registered User

    Oct 6, 2014
    520
    Scotland
    Kijo - I'm not sure if this makes sense to you, but I often feel worse after enjoying something nice and then returning to "reality".

    Rewind to second para of your post where you mention the nice evening you had, conversation, chat and laughter with friends who have learned to "go with the flow".

    And then - back to all that stuff which makes up your "reality".

    I also understand your waking up feeling upset whilst for hubby it's just another day - no-one understands unless they are unfortunate enough to have experience of dementia - sadly too many of us do. xx
     

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