I am told I need support

MaddieJ

Registered User
Sep 1, 2017
47
I'm told get some respite but it is stressing me out. I know that my OH will not be happy with someone else and not me. He is difficult and anxious whenever I am not there - most of the time. My daughter has had problems and been unable to contain him. We have had a couple of occasions when he has been lost but found by police once and me another time. He was stood in a garden under trees heading "home". I feel guilty for I have since then taken his key away and he is kept in doors. He only goes out with me not on his own. He thinks he has lost his key and appears so far to go along with me being the only key holder and I open the door when needed. We have an alarm on the door but I don't trust it. It is faulty due to type of door. Am I right to keep him prisoner. He wouldn't take the tracker with him and it went wrong when I sewed it into his coat. It kept going off and he wondered what it was. So I keep him in unless we go out together. Am I being cruel and am I wrong to do this. I have found him to be better in mood since and though he has the need still to go "home" the lies/excuses I make up regard staying are working. Now I have at last got in touch with a care agency for respite of two hours on two different weekdays. They will be meeting us next week. I daren't tell him about it. I don't know how. We are getting through each day ok at the moment but with LBD this could change overnight. I know I need time to myself but does anyone else get stress from this?
 

Buteo

Registered User
Mar 20, 2019
44
My wife is often uncompliant with others and won't go to bed and gets angry and abusive (which she does to me sometimes too) and I know the burden of feeling that only you can do this. But...you still need respite, so that you can carry on being the best person for your other half. It is stressful and I do worry, but I know that in the long run that having a break is good for both of us.
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,005
Scotland
I'm told get some respite but it is stressing me out. I know that my OH will not be happy with someone else and not me. He is difficult and anxious whenever I am not there - most of the time. My daughter has had problems and been unable to contain him. We have had a couple of occasions when he has been lost but found by police once and me another time. He was stood in a garden under trees heading "home". I feel guilty for I have since then taken his key away and he is kept in doors. He only goes out with me not on his own. He thinks he has lost his key and appears so far to go along with me being the only key holder and I open the door when needed. We have an alarm on the door but I don't trust it. It is faulty due to type of door. Am I right to keep him prisoner. He wouldn't take the tracker with him and it went wrong when I sewed it into his coat. It kept going off and he wondered what it was. So I keep him in unless we go out together. Am I being cruel and am I wrong to do this. I have found him to be better in mood since and though he has the need still to go "home" the lies/excuses I make up regard staying are working. Now I have at last got in touch with a care agency for respite of two hours on two different weekdays. They will be meeting us next week. I daren't tell him about it. I don't know how. We are getting through each day ok at the moment but with LBD this could change overnight. I know I need time to myself but does anyone else get stress from this?
I had to do that too when my husband had been brought home by strangers, neighbours, bus drivers, police. He was such a polite and pleasant person that everyone would go out of their way to help him but he wasn’t safe. Things came to a head after a ten hour disappearance and he was ready to go into care for his own safety then ..... he was hospitalised with a chest infection, he was put on Trazodone anti depressants to calm his wandering and he was found a place in a daycentre. That was at the end of 2015 and I kept him at home until October 2019 when he died after a broken hip. At times it was very very difficult.
 

sadman67

New member
Nov 7, 2019
8
MaddieJ

sorry to hear about your situation my wife had Alzhemier's and I cared for her at home until she passed away in june 2018 I only used respite care twice in the two years after she was diagnose both time for funerals as my family lived over 200 miles away so they were usually for a couple of days at a time I was like you and was concerned on how she would behave if I was not there. but I convince her that she was going on "weekend holiday break" which I could not go on because of work etc.
before the breaks each time I took her visit the care home before dropping her off and I explained to the staff the background and they were very good

Each time I picked her she seemed to have perked up and would tell me about all the stuff she had done My wife was not mobile due to also having MS but she still could act up when she wanted and when we introduce home carer she was very reluctant to let them help

So the first couple of visit I made a point of being there when they arrived but would then say I had to nip to the shop/dr etc and was she ok with them and each time leave her a bit longer after a couple of times she became accustomed to them and her behaviour change She even allowed them to do some personal care as she saw them as "friends" rather then carers

Sorry if this was a bit long but hope it helps
 

jenniferjean

Registered User
Apr 2, 2016
655
Basingstoke, Hampshire
Good luck with the care agency @MaddieJ . I do read here that some PWD act up and won't accept carers, but it's worth a try. My husband insisted he didn't need anyone but I arranged it anyway and told him that I needed to go out on my own and I would worry about him if he was alone. I just wouldn't take no for an answer. He turned out to be fine, although he still insisted that he didn't need anyone.
But I'm so glad I did. I now have a three hour break once a week and I almost find myself skipping when I'm out. (Feel like it but physically impossible.)