1. Jelbem

    Jelbem Registered User

    Sep 28, 2014
    12
    Kent
    I have had a terrible time coping with my mother in law with dementia. She is vile to me, swearing and cursing, and threatened me with her stick, locked me out of the house and even bit me when I tried to help her out of her seat. As she has refused all medical and other support, I have been largely on my own with her 24/7, with the disturbed sleep and all the rest I am sure you know. Her remaining blood relations live 400 miles away, and between us, the telephone and e mail, we managed to set up all the legal requirements to protect her as the disease progresses.
    Mother in law's constant request was to return to her birthplace in the north, and she wanted me to come with her. My GP is concerned for my physical and mental health, and ruled this an impossibility in the short term, and probably not a good idea at all as I know no one there and would be isolated still further. Her family, with my support, have achieved this move into sheltered accommodation - as she is adamant that she will not go into a care home. She remembers the telephone number here, and has rung at all times of the day and night, demanding I come to fetch her and bring her back or that I pack my bags and get there double-quick. As a result, I have changed the number, and contact is through my late husband's cousin. I feel so guilty about this, but know it is for the best for my health. It isn't a bereavement as such, as she is neither dead nor has she actually forgotten me. I feel lost and don't really know why, as I can now take up my own life again - I have some good friends - but I cannot shake off the guilt and of course, she is the last link to my late husband.
     
  2. LYN T

    LYN T Registered User

    Aug 30, 2012
    6,967
    Brixham Devon
    Hi Jelbem

    I have highlighted the part of your post that I think is the crux of the problem. Your MIL may be the last physical link to your late Husband but you have so many other links that are more pleasurable. Your memories for example/the life you had together/ holidays/and, most important of all, the love that you shared. None of those things will be forgotten but as far as your MIL is concerned you must step back or your health will deteriorate further. I know that MIL's relative live a distance away but they must get the care that she needs not you. You have a chance to live your life in your own way-please take it.

    I wish you well

    Lyn T
     
  3. marionq

    marionq Registered User

    Apr 24, 2013
    5,602
    Female
    Scotland
    Lyn is so right. This is emotional blackmail and you must not give in. I understand your position as although my husband is still alive he can no longer take responsibility for a handicapped but otherwise fit and healthy sister. She has become my responsibility by default even though I have no real connection with her other than human compassion.

    You have to allow blood relatives and social services to take over and give yourself back a half decent chance at a life.
     
  4. In a Whirl

    In a Whirl Registered User

    Feb 23, 2015
    62
    Dear Jelbem,
    How torn you must be.Could I make a suggestion? Now you have more time on your hands why don't you take the opportunity to give yourself some care.

    The funny thing about having a health checkup is that it is only one's physical health that is checked. Nobody thinks that it just as important to periodically spring clean the mind .
    Go pamper yourself with some "me" time.
     
  5. VonVee

    VonVee Registered User

    Dec 15, 2014
    70
    Poole Dorset
    I am feeling lost also

    I feel for you I really do
    I'm so sorry your going through this
    It's so hard isn't it

    Take care V

    Xx

     

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