Hi Everyone . I joined this group today as i don’t know what to do. My mum is waiting for a formal diagnosis from consultant re dementia- she has had a scan and we think she is passed early stage as she is totally reliant on help for cooking, personal care and running the house. She might have Parkinson’s as well (gps view) and is very wobbly on her feet and if I can get her to go out with me we use a wheel chair. She forgets what happened ten minutes ago and often asks the same questions over again. She lives next door to me. My husband and I have brought bought in a care to help most days with dinners and self care but we are doing the rest. We both have challenging jobs to hold down too. Thing is my dad died in January which sent mum spiralling. We need to move mum to a safer home- one without stairs. She has visited a sheltered accommodation flat which she liked at the time but she can’t remember going to see it. We have her house on the market- which she agreed to at the time. But she has forgotten it’s on the market and every time she asks about what is happening she is shocked it’s kon. Today we had an offer so I tried to explain this to mum and she got very angry and upset. I totally get how scared she is and tried to say this and how we need to keep her safe but she just saw it as me being bossy and making her leave the house. I had to walk away for fear of getting angry. She was upset. I haven’t stopped crying all afternoon as I don’t know how to manage this. Added to this we need to move soon as we are near retirement and can’t keep our house going for ever. I want to do the right thing but don’t know what that is.
I am at a loss- mum needs to move out of her house but doesn’t want to
- Thread starter SamTC
- Start date
Well first of all, hello and welcome from us all on here I'm sure and thank you for posting.
Before I say this I apologise but are you asking her or telling her?
It's about cooperation with a touch of compassion, ask her to downsize and get a ton of money in the bank for herself, sell it as a positive, if she's describing you as "bossy" her words not mine then you may have a problem.
As I said at the top of the post I do apologise, please don't think I mean to be offensive. K
Before I say this I apologise but are you asking her or telling her?
It's about cooperation with a touch of compassion, ask her to downsize and get a ton of money in the bank for herself, sell it as a positive, if she's describing you as "bossy" her words not mine then you may have a problem.
As I said at the top of the post I do apologise, please don't think I mean to be offensive. K
If your mother needs more care in a different environment, you are doing the right thing in moving her so that she can be safe and looked after. Your mother is extremely unlikely to agree though - and if she does agree, she will forget and deny it (as you've found). It's a feature of dementia to have no insight into the issues she's facing. So sadly you have to be prepared to go ahead in the knowledge you are doing the right thing in focussing on what she needs, rather than what she wants.
In terms of the house sale, I would not try to explain any details to her, she does not need to know and it will just upset her. Make the necessary arrangements but don't involve her.
That is what LPA is for - to act in her best interests, when she is no longer able to understand what her best interests are.
In terms of the house sale, I would not try to explain any details to her, she does not need to know and it will just upset her. Make the necessary arrangements but don't involve her.
That is what LPA is for - to act in her best interests, when she is no longer able to understand what her best interests are.
Welcome @SamTC
It's so hard isn't it. From what you are describing it sounds as if the sheltered accomodation might not be enough support - certainly not in the near future. We moved my Mum into assisted living (warden on call, carers on request, cafe, shop, clubs etc.) but, following the death of my sister Mum was not taking care of herself and ended up hospitalised with dehydration and malnutrition. She lasted in her flat 6 months. It often takes a crisis of some type to move things on. The problem with sheltered housing / assisted living is the person is independent to make their own decisions - in the case of dementia often very poor ones - and help only given if requested by the resident. After hospital they would not take Mum back and she has ended up in care. Sorry - this won't be what you want to hear.
It's so hard isn't it. From what you are describing it sounds as if the sheltered accomodation might not be enough support - certainly not in the near future. We moved my Mum into assisted living (warden on call, carers on request, cafe, shop, clubs etc.) but, following the death of my sister Mum was not taking care of herself and ended up hospitalised with dehydration and malnutrition. She lasted in her flat 6 months. It often takes a crisis of some type to move things on. The problem with sheltered housing / assisted living is the person is independent to make their own decisions - in the case of dementia often very poor ones - and help only given if requested by the resident. After hospital they would not take Mum back and she has ended up in care. Sorry - this won't be what you want to hear.
When I was younger I wasnt mums favourite- I think that’s where the bossy comment comes from - Ito reassure you I was very very kind and gentle bringing up the subject- I felt sick to my stomach even mentioning it. We have had out reach support assess mum and they are worried about her staying safe in her present home. And thought it a good idea to consider assisted living. My sister rang her after I spoke to her to touch base and mum said to her she had fallen out with me. When my sister reassured her we love her and want only the best for her, she told her she was being condescending and dont understand. We aren’t in her shoes but we know it’s so frightening for her I wish I could wave a magic wand and she could carry on as before. I am worried about her having a fall at home or another accident- she is so frail ) she has lost about 5 stone) and has wandered out on to the street now and again. Yesterday she rang my son saying she was worried about going to bed as she was waiting for my brother to come home. My brother is married with children. She is so confused. My heart is breaking
Thank you for sharing your story and giving sound advice. It We have been worried about where to go next and fear the move to sheltered accommodation is not enough- where we looked we can buy in care up to full time plus they have a community room for activities and restaurant we can organise an allocated. Cater to take her to so that she has more company. but we wonder for how long for. The trouble with waiting in her present home is stairs and accidents etc.
Never, ever feel guilty, we have children for love not to ensure we would have carers later in life.
I picked my lifetime partner, the kids didn't pick us as parents they just happened.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going, pull your big girls pants up round your waist and say "I can do this" my money is on you, you can do it. K
I picked my lifetime partner, the kids didn't pick us as parents they just happened.
When the going gets tough, the tough get going, pull your big girls pants up round your waist and say "I can do this" my money is on you, you can do it. K
Hi @SamTC I'm afraid that if you wait for a person with dementia to agree with you or see your point of view you will wait forever. It's all about taking charge if possible. It sounds like assisted living won't be suitable so a care home would give peace of mind for you and you can stop being a frazzled carer . My mother in law was like this and refused point blank to go into care . She had private carers she was self-funding and this worked for her for a while but she refused to even leave her own home not even for appointments.
So my husband was not prepared to dupe her to go into care so we waited for a crisis scenario. Eventually she became ill and went into hospital. We arranged a care home for her and she never went back to her own home. Fortunately the care home manager assessed her and along with my husband who had lasting power of attorney for finances and health agreed that it was in her best interests for full time care. We did all this with no input whatsoever from social services as she was self-funding. It was the right decision for all of us.
So my husband was not prepared to dupe her to go into care so we waited for a crisis scenario. Eventually she became ill and went into hospital. We arranged a care home for her and she never went back to her own home. Fortunately the care home manager assessed her and along with my husband who had lasting power of attorney for finances and health agreed that it was in her best interests for full time care. We did all this with no input whatsoever from social services as she was self-funding. It was the right decision for all of us.
From what you have described about spiralling I would worry that a move to sheltered accom will not help your mum. I think you will swap the problems with the stairs for other problems such as unfamiliarity with her surroundings leading her to be more distressed. Have you considered 24 hour live in care in her current home ? What is leading you to feel she will thrive better in sheltered accomm than residential care ? Could she trial it out ? How many residents at this place are at the same stage as your mum?
In my situation the doctor advised me not to move my father into sheltered accom as it would hasten his decline. He advised keep in current environment as long as possible then residential care. I think it is going to be traumatic whatever path you take, but given the support your mum currently needs and her frailty it sounds to me like you should be looking at residential care.
The Admiral nurses are really helpful... Might be worth chatting it through with them. Best wishes.
In my situation the doctor advised me not to move my father into sheltered accom as it would hasten his decline. He advised keep in current environment as long as possible then residential care. I think it is going to be traumatic whatever path you take, but given the support your mum currently needs and her frailty it sounds to me like you should be looking at residential care.
The Admiral nurses are really helpful... Might be worth chatting it through with them. Best wishes.
Yes - my Mum had all of that available. The problem is that most people with dementia think that they are fine and that they really don't need the optional extra help.
You have POA. The house sale and move is to improve mums quality of life. If you must involve her, bring her pictures of the place you eventually buy, or the care home you choose, and show her pictures of new furnishings and decor, and talk about the lovely holiday home she's going to. (Permanent holiday home!)
Im sorry to say that this is a huge red flag
If she moved to unfamiliar surroundings this will very likely get worse
I know you dont want it, but I really think that she needs a care home to keep her safe.
Could you try her in respite first with a view to permanent residence?
Similar threads
Recent Threads
-
-
-
-
-
I'm going to Chicago, sorry but I can't take you with me baby- Latest: Neveradullday!
-
A (probably very occasional) diary and comment thread.
- Latest: Neveradullday!
-
