I’m lost as to what to do for the best. Help please

Discussion in 'Welcome and how to use Dementia Talking Point' started by Eagle1969, Aug 27, 2019.

  1. Eagle1969

    Eagle1969 New member

    Aug 27, 2019
    Firstly my mum was diagnosed with Dementia 3 and a half years ago. My dad was her carer and was quite a private man. I saw my mum every week and spoke most days. Very unexpectedly my dad passed away on the 13th August. My mum found him dead on the sofa and emergency services were called when mum was spotted at the window by a neighbor in distress. Emergency services smashed through a double glazed door but dad had passed.
    Since then I moved in (I’m in my late 40s and have a wife and boy who starts school next week) with my mum and have learnt first hand the flow of dementia with my mum. I’m coping but after losing my dad and not getting much sleep looking after mum I need some help and advice please....Many questions I’m afraid as they come....
    Firstly and unfortunately I don’t have POA.
    My mum lived with dad and they own their home.
    Most utilities come from joint account. Do I have to tell Bank immediately on dads passing but worried bills won’t get paid adding stress to situation.
    My mum can’t live alone.
    Mum has less than 20.000 pounds in savings.
    I have to go home to be there for son starting school and our house is tiny and won’t fit mum as well.
    Some days mum is good but mostly now her home of 32 years is a holiday home to her.

    The way I see things going is to have to put mum into a care home whilst I try and workout what the plan is. Deputyship looks a minefield. I would have questions with that and would struggle to pay for my dads funeral and all the costs and mention of bonds and yearly subscriptions. I just want to look after my mum. Pay the bills and ultimately sell my mums house I guess and move her into somewhere not far from me? I’m in Sussex and she lives in Surrey at the moment.
    Will her council allow her to have respite near me do you think to help the situation? Does anyone have experience similar to where I’m at that can offer any advice please.
    I’m upset lying on a camp bed after all weekend tidying the house and throwing out my dads old clothes etc in preparation for arranging the funeral tomorrow of my dad. I need some ideas if anyone reads this and can offer some support. My mum is convinced that my dad will be back and has 30 minute grief cycles mixing real life with fiction.......

    I just want mum to be happy as can be ideally near me in a smaller Dementia assisted or run place near me where we can see as much of her as possible for the time left.
    Sorry for rambling.
    Thanks and with love
  2. Andrew_McP

    Andrew_McP Registered User

    Mar 2, 2016
    South Northwest
    I don't think I have anything useful to say, but I couldn't put my phone down and try to sleep without reaching out and wishing you all the best under such miserable circumstances. It never ceases to amaze me how dementia can mess up people's lives, but you will get the advice you need, you will get your mother sorted out, and you will come through all this.

    Tonight I just hope you manage to get some rest... hard though that will be when your mother's so unsettled. I suspect your first port of call in the morning should be social services to arrange emergency respite. You're going to struggle to deal with everything on your plate and look after her for even a short time.
  3. Betenoir71

    Betenoir71 Registered User

    Jun 20, 2019
    First and foremost, I am so sorry for your loss, such a shock that your father died so suddenly. Unfortunately dementia services in Sussex are patchy, which is outrageous given the high number of older people in this area. Try Google to see if there is a Dementia Support Service in your mum’s area, or Admiral nurses, they are very helpful. West Sussex is better resourced than East, but they can advise you re financial issues etc. Keep in touch on this forum for support and don’t forget to look after yourself too, get yourself a carers assessment from adult social care, especially as you have a young family of your own. You are not alone though, there are plenty of udon this forum who are in similar situations and send their love. Kee strong, x
  4. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    Good morning and welcome to the forum.

    First of all my condolences on losing your dad. Things must be incredibly hard for you, leaving you no time to grieve.

    I think it would be useful for you to phone the society's helpline, The advisers there are very experienced and am sure will be able to give you some guidance. The details are are -

    Dementia Helpline

    I'm glad you've found this forum. I know you will find help and support here.
  5. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    Firstly ....
    breathe, & am sending you big hugs
    You need to phone your Mums GP & ask for an emergency house visit. Or you can ring 111 right now & ask for a Dr on call to come out. The other option is calling out of hours social services emergency number.
    Yep just google ‘out of hours CMHT’ & the area you are in. Yes this is an emergency- you are at crisis point & so is your Mum.
    My Dad is out of county in CH near me, so it isn’t something new.
    YourMums dementia needs assessment urgently as the distress of losing your Dad will have a big effect on her cognitively.

    Make yourself a cup of tea/ coffee
    Now call 111 or out of hours CHMT
    It might be yourDads funeral today but this might spiral the issues further.

    Care homes can be used for respite, emergency respite.
    Out of county care is funded by the council where resident resided.
    PWD qualify for council tax reduction, got Mum & Dads back dated to when the diagnosis was. No one had filled in the paperwork given to them

    Age uk another great helpline to call
    Alzheimer’s helpline amazing .. but office hours.

    You , your family & your Mum need help now ... today. Believe me the people you will speak to see this all the time & are there to help

    Let us know how you get on please.

    I’m so sorry for your loss, what a dreadful shock. I hope that the funeral goes well & you have a wider network to support you. You must feel totally overwhelmed, & I do understand that as my biological Mum (I’m adopted) passed away last year & I had to get emergency respite care for Dad; meanwhile my Mum was in a similar cognitive state to yours!

    So please believe me when I say make that phone call - you need the support & help for you & your Mum.

  6. Woohoo

    Woohoo Registered User

    Apr 30, 2019
    South East
    Hi @WILLISON , welcome from me too. I’m sorry to hear about your dad,please accept my condolences. Very similar position I found myself in a couple of months ago. Firstly bills will be paid fine , I let all the banks,utilities etc know about dad and have had no problems there . I would try and get LPA sorted now , did mine online and so easy and has allowed me to sell their home .You can get funeral director invoice and take in to bank and they will raise a Cheque from mums account and pay it . I did move Mum in with us as we are fortunate to have enough room . Have heard that dementia and small children aren’t a great mix so think you are right to look at other options . Have you called Admiral Nurse at all ?i called them in desperation one evening and they were great ,will try and find the link . As others said you will need to get mum an assessment of needs . Please keep posting as there is a wealth of knowledge here . Sending you strength and support . Take care of you too. Best wishes .
  7. Bunpoots

    Bunpoots Volunteer Host

    Apr 1, 2016
    Welcome from me too @WILLISON

    My condolences on the loss of your father. You've been thrown in at the deep end!

    I see you've already had some good advice so I would just like to add that if you can get LPAs sorted online then make that a priority. Your mum only has to understand what she is signing in the moment. It doesn't matter if she's forgotten 2 minutes later. I did my dad's online, printed off the forms and a friend who's known dad for years witnessed for us. It was very straightforward.

    Now that you've found us keep posting. There's always someone around to help, or at least sympathise.
  8. Pete1

    Pete1 Registered User

    Jul 16, 2019
    Hi, condolences on the passing of your Dad, that sounded quite traumatic for all concerned. I agree with the advice you have been provided by others. Surrey CC should provide out of county placement as the wishes of the family and the individual are paramount and you being able to visit Mum would be extremely important to you both - although sadly you will probably have to push for that. As you allude to you can actually ask for a respite placement to give you some breathing space (these are normally for a few weeks) which sounds like the right thing for you. I think Surrey CC Social Services (as the commissioning authority) would be your first port of call and you will need to stress that it is an emergency situation, else they will try and arrange an appointment for a couple of weeks time. They will need to come and assess Mum and provide you with your options.

    On a personal note the pressure on you must feel absolutely immense, from someone who has been there what I can say is things will be resolved over time even though it probably doesn't feel like it at the moment. You are having to deal with the bereavement of your Dad whilst also probably for the first time realising the extent of Mum's dementia (which in itself can often raise feelings of sadness, fear and inadequacy). The care process is a maze to navigate that we have all been through, however, there is a massive positive for your Mum that she has you acting for her and supporting her (some don't have that). Take care of yourself and post any other questions that you may have we will all do our best to help and support.
  9. Eagle1969

    Eagle1969 New member

    Aug 27, 2019
    Thanks for the kind words and advice.
    Managed a reasonable night of rest both mum and myself.
  10. Eagle1969

    Eagle1969 New member

    Aug 27, 2019
    Many thanks for the message.
    after a cuppa it’s time to get the week started. Some great advice.
    Will start looking on line as soon as I get a chance today.
    Many thanks
  11. canary

    canary Registered User

    Feb 25, 2014
    South coast
    I am so sorry to hear about your dad @WILLISON - please accept my condolences.

    The first thing is to get through the funeral, and I do hope it goes as well as possible.

    After that these are my thoughts
    1 - Contact Social Services for emergency respite so that you can go home. It will undoubtedly be in Surrey, but will give you a breathing space to find somewhere more permanent.

    2 - dont remind your mum that your dad has passed away. She will not be able to keep this information and every time you tell her will be like the very first time and she will be devastated all over again. If she thinks that your dad will be back soon, then so be it. It is hard for you, but you will not be able to bring her into reality permanently.
    You might find this link helpful https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/thr...n-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/#post-413710

    3 - Once your mum is in respite and therefore safe and cared for, you can start to look at care homes near you for a more permanent solution. If you need help in knowing what sort of things to look for we can give advice (we cant recommend a specific place, though).

    4 - you may be able to get POA by downloading the forms and getting a friend who has known her for over two years to witness it. If she really has no idea about it then you will have to apply for Court of Protection Deputyship. I had to do this for my mum. I did not use a solicitor and filled in all the forms myself. There is a lot of paper shuffling, but it is doable and if you have to go down this path we can help you know what to do.

    5 Take your time, go back and re-read all the advice given on this thread
  12. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    Hi @Eagle1969
    I wanted to see how you things are for you?
    I hope you have had a chance to grieve the loss of your Dad a little,& that your mum & yourself are getting the help & support you need at this moment in time
    Take care
  13. Eagle1969

    Eagle1969 New member

    Aug 27, 2019
    Hi. Thanks for asking how things are....
    Things have calmed down a fair bit.
    Funeral for dad was had earlier this month and we managed to get Surrey council talk to East Sussex and help get mum into an amazing care home where she seems to be settling (and they let her take her dog with her!)
    So now I need to look at legal stuff as mum is down of executor of the will.....POA is in and mum has had a fair amount of clarity of what she wants.
    So if POA comes through and I can get house wrapped up and £ in place to care for mum at care home life will become even happier....after working out how I can execute the will on her behalf but hopefully POA will help with this.
    Mum looks 10 years younger now she is in the care home and being properly looked after and stimulated.
    I went to a Dementia Friends meeting where I got some excellent advice.
    Need to try a support group in the Haywards Heath area (West Sussex) to help me understand things even clearer.
    Thanks to everyone for posting support and advice.
    I'm sure there will be tough times ahead but this forum really helped me at my lowest.

    Many thanks to you all
  14. Izzy

    Izzy Volunteer Moderator

    Aug 31, 2003
    I’m so glad that things seem more positive for you. You must feel very relieved. I hope everything else gets sorted out as quickly as possible. Wishing you and your mum well.
  15. DesperateofDevon

    DesperateofDevon Registered User

    Jul 7, 2019
    I have Mum up for respite care in amazing care home, she’s being treated like a Queen. Already her cognitive stimulation is showing positive aspects in her demeanour & wellbeing.
    Hopefully I can persuade her to engage more when she returns home in social activities.

    So lovely to hear you & your Mum are in a better place.

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