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Husband with dementia

Binsley

New member
Feb 24, 2020
3
Husband of 56 years with dementia who does not trust me. I am due to go on a course but he thinks I am only going to find a man!! I have shouted at him. He is having a bad non sleep night and this affects our ability to kerb frustration with each other. He does not think I have a life outside of caring for him!
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
11,630
South coast
Hello @Binsley and welcome to DTP.
Im afraid that both these things - thinking that you are having an affair and not understanding that you have a separate life are both very common. They lose the ability to see anything from anyone else viewpoint and their lives narrow so much that they can only see their own needs wants and comforts. My OH knows deep down that he needs me (even though he would deny it if asked) and is terrified that I will find someone else and leave him. Personally I would say that there is fat chance of that happening, but still :rolleyes:

Its no use arguing with him, people with dementia lose the ability to think logically too and their reasoning is totally skewed. The best thing is to come up with a reason why you are going away that will not upset him. Perhaps you might be visiting your mother, or some other person. This is known as "love lies" or "therapeutic untruths" which are used when the person with dementia is unable to understand the reality of a situation.

You might find this thread helpful
 

karaokePete

Registered User
Jul 23, 2017
5,273
N Ireland
Hello and welcome from me too @Binsley

I wonder if you may find any local support services like a memory café to be of some use. You can do a post code check to see what's available to you by following this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/find-support-near-you

The full list of the very informative Factsheets can be found with this link https://www.alzheimers.org.uk/get-support/publications-factsheets-full-list

You will see that there are Factsheets that will help with things like getting care needs assessments, deciding the level of care required and sorting out useful things like Wills, Power of Attorney etc., if any of that hasn't already been done. There is also a Dementia Guide in the list.

Now that you have found us I hope you will keep posting as the membership has vast collective knowledge and experience.
 

nae sporran

Volunteer Host
Oct 29, 2014
6,563
Bristol
Husband of 56 years with dementia who does not trust me. I am due to go on a course but he thinks I am only going to find a man!! I have shouted at him. He is having a bad non sleep night and this affects our ability to kerb frustration with each other. He does not think I have a life outside of caring for him!
Welcome to the forum from me too, Binsley. My partner has the same tendency to jealousy and insecurity, so I know how frustrating and limiting it can be. The compassionate communication and love lies approach is a good guide and worth persevering with to diffuse situations, because as canary says logic goes out the window.
When you go away, is there anyone else who can stay with your husband to keep him company and reassure him? If family are busy, some care agencies provide a sitting / befriending service.
 

Sunshine2*

Registered User
May 16, 2019
47
Husband of 56 years with dementia who does not trust me. I am due to go on a course but he thinks I am only going to find a man!! I have shouted at him. He is having a bad non sleep night and this affects our ability to kerb frustration with each other. He does not think I have a life outside of caring for him!
Hi, Continue to post on here, as the above advice is so helpful. I’ve only been a member for a short while, and the suggestions etc. have been brilliant and I’ve also understood why someone is acting that way. I wish I was aware of D.T.P. many years ago, as my husband thought I was having an affair. I was taking elderly relatives for hospital appointments/operations and food shopping for them. A few months ago, he didn’t know who I was for a short while. He’s also told me, “his wife died a while back.” He reckons he speaks with a lady throughout the day. I said that was me. “No, you’re my wife, but I don’t know your name,” he says. Fluctuating memory issues. Asking the same questions over and over again....
T.P. helps me so much. Lovely, helpful people. Thank you so much.