Husband so very angry

[Skylark/2]

Hello everyone,
I don’t know where to turn.
My 76 year old husband has dementia and has recently started medication, about 4 weeks ago.
Whilst on holiday with our son and his family a few weeks ago, my husband had an argument with our daughter in law when she told him he shouldn’t be driving. He was driving short distances at the time, not at all now as a third party has reported him to the DVLA and we are awaiting the outcome. Also my son and his wife were urging us to move house into something smaller. These two incidents made my husband so very angry .
Since then he is adamant that he wants nothing to do with my daughter in law , doesn’t want to see her etc., I have pointed out that this will impact on us ( me especially) as our son and grandchildren will not longer want to visit. They live a distance away. My husband doesn’t see this and in our argument this morning he has said I must choose, them or him! We also make a contribution to school fees, he no longer wants to do this. He is so angry, threatening, our sons both say he is a bully and sadly I agree.
I was looking forward to our first big family Christmas since Covid but now I fear everything is being blown apart.
He is always telling me to get out, he will leave me with nothing and I will be in the gutter.
I am so close to leaving him but know he would be unable to manage by himself, the man can’t even work the washing machine!
Can anyone give advice on how easy/difficult it is to leave a marriage of 52 years.
I will finished this post as he has just walked in and will want to know what I’m doing.

 

[canary]

Is the medication that he has started on donepezil? Has his anger got much worse after starting it?
One of the side effects of donepezil is increased anger and aggression

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

This is so awful - I am so sorry you're going through this. And your poor daughter in law too...

I'm not sure quite what to suggest though as canary says it would be as well to get his meds checked. Paranoia and anger is not uncommon with dementia unfortunately - please keep yourself safe.

As for leaving you in the gutter - no, he can't do that. If you divorced you would be entitled to half the value of the house, at the very least. Let's hope it doesn't come to that.

Also, separate your bank accounts. Half of anything in a joint account is legally yours and you could transfer it to an account in your own name. This is advisable for the future anyway but may be wise now to protect yourself.

 

[Skylark/2]

Is the medication that he has started on donepezil? Has his anger got much worse after starting it?
One of the side effects of donepezil is increased anger and aggression

thank you for replying. I don’t think it is the meds. He has always had a temper and before he started the meds his rages could go from zero to melt down in seconds!
At the moment all is calm but earlier today he threw his spectacle case at me across the room . It doesn’t sound particularly threatening but it was the nearest thing to hand!

 

[northumbrian_k]

Hi @Skylark/2
Taking unreasonable exception to what someone says or does (or how the person with dementia sees it), whether based on real events or confabulations is a common and difficult aspect. It can be very hurtful when a partner of many years talks about leaving or splitting up. It is difficult when they alienate family.

I have no easy answers. But it is important to remember that it is dementia that is the cause. Don't act too quickly to make changes that will disrupt your life together. It may be increasingly necessary to adapt to the changes in your husband. He may no longer be able to deal with social occasions eg Christmas in the old way but perhaps a quieter time would suit him. Above all, don't argue as he is unlikely to see any point of view but his own.

The advice here might help but it is hard to live up to.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Skylark/2]

Hi @Skylark/2
Taking unreasonable exception to what someone says or does (or how the person with dementia sees it), whether based on real events or confabulations is a common and difficult aspect. It can be very hurtful when a partner of many years talks about leaving or splitting up. It is difficult when they alienate family.

I have no easy answers. But it is important to remember that it is dementia that is the cause. Don't act too quickly to make changes that will disrupt your life together. It may be increasingly necessary to adapt to the changes in your husband. He may no longer be able to deal with social occasions eg Christmas in the old way but perhaps a quieter time would suit him. Above all, don't argue as he is unlikely to see any point of view but his own.

The advice here might help but it is hard to live up to.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

Absolutely awful at the moment. It is so distressing, he is accusing me of being an evil, conniving, lying bitch who is stealing his hard earned money. I will go to prison, the family will disown me and he will see I don’t get a penny. So abusive.
He is so angry, he has taken my car and house keys ( not the first time ) following me around the house to make sure I don’t steal anything and I am now lying in bed fully dressed as I am scared. This has gone on most of the day.
I am at rock bottom

 

[canary]

Does the GP know about this? There is medication which can dial down the aggression and the GP can refer him back to the memory clinic or to the Community Psychiatric team.

His anger sounds really close to actual violence against you. If he really kicks off and you are scared please do not hesitate to call the police - they are trained for this sort of situation and have the authority to call the emergency psychiatric doctors. Make sure that you always carry a charged phone on you and get a lock put on one room (maybe your bedroom) that can be used as a safe room.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

So you are being held captive against your will and under threat of violence.

Please - phone the police now.

 

[Skylark/2]

Further to my earlier posts today.
We have been married for 52 years, working and bringing up a family together.
I have a small private pension plus state pension and a couple of ISA’s. We have joint bank accounts. My husband has a very large private pension, plus ISA’s. We own our home, joint names on the deeds.
He says I will not see a penny, surely this can’t be right?
After today I feel I need to know where I stand legally . Am at the end of my tether.

 

[canary]

He says I will not see a penny, surely this can’t be right?

No of course its not true.
What he is saying is "dementia logic"
Please dont try and reason with him, logic and reasonable discussion will not work anymore. He knows what he knows (in his own mind) and trying to persuade him that he is wrong will just anger him further.

 

[SeaSwallow]

It is not right, you need to seek legal advice. As stated before you also need to keep yourself safe. Do not hesitate to call the police if you feel in danger.
Take care, you must be finding this so hard.

 

[Skylark/2]

Does the GP know about this? There is medication which can dial down the aggression and the GP can refer him back to the memory clinic or to the Community Psychiatric team.

His anger sounds really close to actual violence against you. If he really kicks off and you are scared please do not hesitate to call the police - they are trained for this sort of situation and have the authority to call the emergency psychiatric doctors. Make sure that you always carry a charged phone on you and get a lock put on one room (maybe your bedroom) that can be used as a safe room.

It’s so good to know caring people are out there. I am going to the surgery tomorrow to explain what’s happening. I have tried before a couple of times and was told ‘ unable to discuss your husband without him either being there or him giving permission….patient confidentiality’ Will say this time, it’s not about him, it’s about how it’s affecting me! Wish me luck.

 

[SweetPepper]

He is wrong regarding the finance but you need more advice. More worrying is the mental violence you are subjected to, and your safety.

 

[try again]

Call the police

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Skylark/2 So sorry to hear what is happening and I really think that you could do with some professional help. You've received some good advice here already so please don't hesitate to call the police if you feel unsafe. They will be able to get you, and your husband, the help that you both need.

Speaking to your GP is a good idea too but I'd also recommend a call to the Dementia Connect support line as they are very helpful and will be able to offer you advice with regards to your situation. Despite what your husband is saying you will not be left penniless, help is available and the staff at the support line will be able to point you in the direction of where you could get legal advice and other help. They are open from 9am tomorrow - 0333 150 3456:

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[canary]

It’s so good to know caring people are out there. I am going to the surgery tomorrow to explain what’s happening. I have tried before a couple of times and was told ‘ unable to discuss your husband without him either being there or him giving permission….patient confidentiality’ Will say this time, it’s not about him, it’s about how it’s affecting me! Wish me luck.

Tell the doctor that you understand that they cannot discuss your husband, but that they are allowed to listen. Alternatively you can write a good old-fashioned letter to them followed up by an appointment (something I always do).

 

[northumbrian_k]

I agree with what others have said about the need to stay safe. My wife used to say some awful things that were not true (she would catch a sexually transmitted disease due to my sleeping around, for example). That was bad enough but when she started hitting me with the TV remote it was time to call the police. When they saw me at 6 foot tall and my diminutive wife they expressed surprise. But they took me seriously and their intervention led to an alert and referral to social services. Feeling scared is awful. You cannot go on like that. For your sake, and his, if the situation escalates call 999.

 

[Lawson58]

Absolutely awful at the moment. It is so distressing, he is accusing me of being an evil, conniving, lying bitch who is stealing his hard earned money. I will go to prison, the family will disown me and he will see I don’t get a penny. So abusive.
He is so angry, he has taken my car and house keys ( not the first time ) following me around the house to make sure I don’t steal anything and I am now lying in bed fully dressed as I am scared. This has gone on most of the day.
I am at rock bottom

Yes, we had all of this too but fortunately I never felt afraid of my husband as you do. Two things I would suggest is that you get spare keys made and leave them in safe but accessible to you. The other is that if you can, as soon as he starts getting abusive, remove yourself from the scene.

I used to get out of the house, go for a drive, anything except stick around.

Get help. You shouldn’t be going through this.

 

[Skylark/2]

Yes, we had all of this too but fortunately I never felt afraid of my husband as you do. Two things I would suggest is that you get spare keys made and leave them in safe but accessible to you. The other is that if you can, as soon as he starts getting abusive, remove yourself from the scene.

I used to get out of the house, go for a drive, anything except stick around.

Get help. You shouldn’t be going through this.

Thanks for replying and the good advice about getting spare keys cut.
My husband is a totally different man this morning ( it’s like being married to Jekyll and Hyde!), he recalls being very angry but not with me! He has thought there is a ’ another me’ who knows everything about us for some time and that occasionally there are other people staying overnight.
I tried to get an appointment with our g.p this morning but they are like gold dust…..nothing today, try again tomorrow.
Am also going to contact the Support Helpline
This forum is a life saver, thank you to all you kind compassionate people!

 

[Skylark/2]

I agree with what others have said about the need to stay safe. My wife used to say some awful things that were not true (she would catch a sexually transmitted disease due to my sleeping around, for example). That was bad enough but when she started hitting me with the TV remote it was time to call the police. When they saw me at 6 foot tall and my diminutive wife they expressed surprise. But they took me seriously and their intervention led to an alert and referral to social services. Feeling scared is awful. You cannot go on like that. For your sake, and his, if the situation escalates call 999.

Thank you for taking the time to write with support and advice.
We are dementia newbies at the beginning of a steep learning curve!
I am shocked and distressed at how his dementia seems to be getting worse so quickly.
Getting a doctor’s appointment is virtually impossible, any advice and support is coming from this website. Can I ask what sort of support could social services provide, we would be self funding 76 year olds.
many thanks