How will I know it’s time for a residential?

[Karenjen]

My parents live togethe. My mum is 87 with dementia but generally physically well. My Dad is 84 in good mental health but poor physical health. Recently he was admitted to hospital for a month so I moved in to stay with my mum. It is clear her dementia is on rapid decline. She doesn’t know where she is most of the time, who I am or that she is married. She does not sleep in the night but paces up and down arguing with world. She is often verbally abusive and aggressive. Recently everyday she says that she is dying and needs a Gp and will not take painkillers as prescribed. Her self care is poor she did not bath for the whole time I was with her. My Dad is back home now but I can see that my mum is too much when she is abusive to him and shows absolutely no empathy in relation to his poor health and mobility. I think he may end up having a stroke or heart attack. They both have carers. Mum has carers at mealtimes. I visit every night/evening and cook all their meals. I have been off work for 6 weeks to care for her but I need to go back in January.
Sorry I’ve rambled but I’m an only child I just feel overwhelmed.

 

[phill]

It sounds like your first step should be to ask Adult Social Services to do an assessment/reassessment of both your mother’s needs and your father’s needs.

 

[Karenjen]

It sounds like your first step should be to ask Adult Social Services to do an assessment/reassessment of both your mother’s needs and your father’s needs.

Someone is actually visiting tomorrow to review the care as currently it is a 6 week support. My Dad just told me how verbally abusive my mum has been today he just looks so sad and tired. Logically. Know mum can’t help it but I actually feel very angry towards her ( everyone I know it’s wrong)

 

[canary]

As your dad is no longer coping, no longer able to meet her needs, and it is making him ill, then it time.

Make sure that the SW knows the true state of affairs and that she isnt sleeping at night, is being aggressive to your dad and he cant get her to take prescribed medication. Also stress the fact that you will be returning to work and will not be able to continue caring for your parents.

If you dont want to say this in front of your mum then doorstep the person who comes round, or ask them to give you a hand making some tea, but make sure they know.

 

[Karenjen]

Thank you for your responses let’s see how today goes.

 

[Sarasa]

I hope today’s meeting went well. You might want to email the person a bullet pointed list of your concerns so you know they have clear idea of the problem,
Hope you all get the help
You need.

 

[SherwoodSue]

A useful question. Is dad safe? When you can’t answer yes , then it’s time

 

[Izzy]

I hope today’s meeting went well. I wondered if this would be of any help @Karenjen.

How do you know if someone needs to move into a care home?

Advice and things to consider when deciding whether to move a person living with dementia into full-time care.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Lillypuddleduck]

My parents live togethe. My mum is 87 with dementia but generally physically well. My Dad is 84 in good mental health but poor physical health. Recently he was admitted to hospital for a month so I moved in to stay with my mum. It is clear her dementia is on rapid decline. She doesn’t know where she is most of the time, who I am or that she is married. She does not sleep in the night but paces up and down arguing with world. She is often verbally abusive and aggressive. Recently everyday she says that she is dying and needs a Gp and will not take painkillers as prescribed. Her self care is poor she did not bath for the whole time I was with her. My Dad is back home now but I can see that my mum is too much when she is abusive to him and shows absolutely no empathy in relation to his poor health and mobility. I think he may end up having a stroke or heart attack. They both have carers. Mum has carers at mealtimes. I visit every night/evening and cook all their meals. I have been off work for 6 weeks to care for her but I need to go back in January.
Sorry I’ve rambled but I’m an only child I just feel overwhelmed.

I'm so sorry for your circumstances. Yet there comes a time (before you have a mental break down and whilst your Dad has some quality of life) that your Mum (who is not really your Mum anymore! And please don't take that the wrong way 🙏 )is placed in a care/nursing home. You Dad could visit every day as you could if you wished/could.
I'm sorry to be blunt, but for the sanity and health of you and your Dad, be brave and take the step. 🙏

 

[Karenjen]

Very blunt Lily 😊but necessary. Sometimes you have to hear it as it is! So following today’s review a financial assessment will be done in the next couple of weeks. The current support will continue until then.