How to support Mum to care for Dad - respite?

[Kristo]

Dad is middle stage and still living at home with mum. I think she is approaching carer burnout and I want to help before a crisis occurs. I have already registered with a lovely local care home for possible respite after Christmas, but what specific questions do I need to ask them about how they deal with his behaviour when he won’t want to be there?

His incontinence is increasing and he absolutely denies it when it happens. He cannot do anything for himself at all, although Mum thinks he can and that he is just treating her like a maid! He shadows her everywhere which must be so wearing for her.

I have POA (finance and health) for both of them so can I just book him in for respite and pay for it with his account?

Will the care home do their own assessment to say if he will be ok to come home again after the 2 weeks of respite?

How do I persuade mum and dad that respite is necessary?

Any advice gratefully received!

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Kristo

The care home should do their own assessment for the respite so just answer their questions as honestly as possible thinking of your dad’s worst days and the respite period will give them the chance to see if the home is a good fit for your dad thinking long term.

Yes, with POA you can just book your dad in if he’s self funding. I think your main problem will be convincing your parents that it’s a good idea. I wonder if, as it’s a nice carehome you could sell it as a holiday (maybe your mum could have a week there too?)
Once your mum sees it as a nice, safe place for your dad she might be more accepting of future stays when needed.

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

do I need to ask them about how they deal with his behaviour when he won’t want to be there?

The problem is that if you take him and he decides on Day 2 he wants to leave, they can't keep him there against his will.

To do so would require a Deprivation of Liberty Safeguarding Order (DoLS - look it up) and there wouldn't be time to get one in the period of respite. The home would assess him for their own purposes, i.e. to see if they could meet his needs (and assuming he agreed to go) but they won't assess him in terms of what care he needs going forwards - that's the job of Social Services.

Does your mum have help with your dad at home? Again, getting a Social Services assessment is the way forwards...

 

[Kristo]

Thank you for your replies.

This is my main worry, that Dad will refuse to go and then we will have paid all that money for a service that he just refuses. I have arranged a tour there after Christmas with both Mum and Dad (I have been before) but I am having second thoughts now about taking Dad; I think he will just flip!!

Maybe I will call Social Services and see what they say, although having read comments on here (and knowing how Dad can go into host mode when he needs to) I don’t hold out much hope for them either.

Everything about the process of supporting someone with dementia just seems designed by faceless authorities to make it as hard as possible for carers doesn’t it?!