How to reassure mum, that she shouldn’t have trust issues with me

[Redcadinal]

hi,
recently my mum has started to have trust issues with me.I have been her carer for over 3 years, and now she has completely turned against me, not letting me help in any way.
she has turned to my brother and sister, for anything she wants,
I would do anything for her, but she has completely turned on me, and there is no reason at all.
I have tried to ask her what the matter is, but she won’t even acknowledge me, please if someone has any advice, I would really appreciate it.

 

[try again]

There's little you can do I'm afraid but ride the storm .
Can you step back about from caring and let others pick up the slack?
PWD always seem to attack those closest to them .
Have you read all the links about communication etc, maybe you can divert her anger

It's very hard for a carer to hear this, I think most of us have been through this stage and understanding that it's the disease doesn't help much

 

[canary]

Hello @Redcadinal

Im afraid that it is not unusual for people with dementia to take against their main carer. They lose insight and self-awareness and are usually unaware that they have changed. They are aware that Something is wrong, but are unable to perceive that this Something is actually them, so they blame where they are living, or people around them - usually their main carer. Im afraid that persuasion and reasoning will accomplish nothing.

Can you step back for a while and let your brother and sister take over for a while? It probably wont take long before she is cold shouldering them and you will be back in her good books!

 

[Redcadinal]

Hello @Redcadinal

Im afraid that it is not unusual for people with dementia to take against their main carer. They lose insight and self-awareness and are usually unaware that they have changed. They are aware that Something is wrong, but are unable to perceive that this Something is actually them, so they blame where they are living, or people around them - usually their main carer. Im afraid that persuasion and reasoning will accomplish nothing.

Can you step back for a while and let your brother and sister take over for a while? It probably wont take long before she is cold shouldering them and you will be back in her good books!

Hi,
THANKYOU for your reply, I am always saying to my self that this is the disease and not mum, but it’s really hurtful when she’s so lovely to my sister and brother.
mum has always tried to play us all off against each other, but it is so very apparent now ,that is what she is doing.
I will keep Abit of distance, knowing that she will be well looked after, but I have to try and understand all the changes in her, and not take things personally

 

[Redcadinal]

Hello @Redcadinal

Im afraid that it is not unusual for people with dementia to take against their main carer. They lose insight and self-awareness and are usually unaware that they have changed. They are aware that Something is wrong, but are unable to perceive that this Something is actually them, so they blame where they are living, or people around them - usually their main carer. Im afraid that persuasion and reasoning will accomplish nothing.

Can you step back for a while and let your brother and sister take over for a while? It probably wont take long before she is cold shouldering them and you will be back in her good books!

THANKYOU for your reply,
yes reasoning is not working, mum gets more worked up with me.
I have to realise That it’s not anything I have done, it’s just how things are.
I want to help mum so much, but I have to respect her wishes too.
mum tends to play us off against each other, and this is very clear at the moment.
I need to understand this more, and THANKYOU for the advice.

 

[Redcadinal]

There's little you can do I'm afraid but ride the storm .
Can you step back about from caring and let others pick up the slack?
PWD always seem to attack those closest to them .
Have you read all the links about communication etc, maybe you can divert her anger

It's very hard for a carer to hear this, I think most of us have been through this stage and understanding that it's the disease doesn't help much

THANKYOU for your advice, yes it is hard, and I need ore understanding of this horrible disease

 

[Gosling]

Hello @Redcadinal and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You will find us a very supportive and friendly bunch of people I'm sure.
My Mum did exactly the same at one point - wouldn't talk to me and simply be abusive towards me, yet my brother, who lived much further away, was the golden boy who could do no wrong. As you say, It hurts when your loved one turns against you like that, not matter how many times you say to yourself, it's not Mum, its the horrible disease.
Wishing you strength.

 

[Redcadinal]

Hello @Redcadinal and welcome to Dementia Talking Point. You will find us a very supportive and friendly bunch of people I'm sure.
My Mum did exactly the same at one point - wouldn't talk to me and simply be abusive towards me, yet my brother, who lived much further away, was the golden boy who could do no wrong. As you say, It hurts when your loved one turns against you like that, not matter how many times you say to yourself, it's not Mum, its the horrible disease.
Wishing you strength.

THANKYOU,
yes I guess I have to try and understand it more, mum is so unpredictable with me, the most hurtful thing is that she rarely remembers the nasty comments, or how she has been with me,
yet I struggle to get passed them sometimes.I am a forgiving person, and like to see the good in everybody, but really struggle with how different she can be with me and my brother and sister.