Mum has Alzheimer's and I resent caring for her

[TheCoachman]

Wow - thank you all for your inspiration - had a lovely morning taking mum to garden centre - but then the barrage of phone calls and mum saying ”can’t be bothered“ to eat, to drink, to take her medication - and that she can’t hear properly (the dementia means actually she can’t understand). Everything in this thread makes total sense - seems sooo familiar and somehow that’s a comfort. …. The worst thing is that the way things are I’m just waiting (hoping ?? ) for the ‘ crisis‘ that will precipitate a social services intervention / assessment that decides mum is at risk and doesn’t have the mental capacity to refuse carers .. or alternatively ‘Care Farm‘ (where Hedge Funds milk old people for their savings!!! )
I get really sad - never loved mum but do Care!! Makes me depressed that our ‘system’ of care and support in the UK is so rubbish (not AZ Uk who have been my lifeline ;-)
My best wishes to you all
peter

 

[Kristo]

You said earlier that your mum is physically capable of cooking, washing etc - but if she is mentally unaware of how to do things then that means that she is also physically incapable. I know that sounds harsh, and I really don’t mean it to, but it can help to look at her ability to live independently with a more objective view.

You could ask social services for a care needs assessment (make sure you are there for the appointment, otherwise she will insist that she doesn’t need any help). I filled social services in on the actual situation with my parents before the assessment took place and also spoke to them again after to confirm which bits were downright lies.

Of course, to the person with dementia they are not telling lies because they absolutely believe that everything they say is true, they “can do everything for themselves if only other people/machines didn’t keep messing everything up!” I loved my dad to bits but the person he became was a rude, abusive, aggressive stranger. I can only imagine how hard it must be for you to negotiate an already tricky relationship with someone with dementia who has no-one else. Well, actually, she does have someone else, she has social services and all the care packages that they can put in place. Please ask them for help, it is their duty to do it, not yours. As long as your mum is safe and cared-for then you can continue to nurture your kids and grandkids (and yourself!). Your mum is lucky that you have done so much for her, now please let someone else step in, she is not solely your responsibility. Good luck x