how to exit my wifes care home without a big fuss.

[bongee]

My wife has been in a care home with dementia for about two months but hates it and continually pleads with me to take her home. The home provides excellent care but there are a few patients who are particularly challenging and these upset her a lot ( she is well aware of her surroundings )
She is reasonably OK when I visit but when I come to leave she is adament that she is coming with me. Normally one of the care staff try to distract her but she is becoming more and more suspicious and kicks up a fuss every time I come to leave..
Anyone have any clever ideas how to help ?

 

[Canadian Joanne]

Is it possible for you to leave once you take her to the dining room for a meal? Simply say you're going to the toilet and slip out?

 

[love.dad.but..]

Dad had been in the care home for 5 months now and I have never been able to say goodbye properly. We couldn't even tell him the truth about taking him there as he wouldn't have willingly gone with us. It is horrible and I will never get used to telling love lies but it is kinder for dad and he has gradually got used to me saying...I am just going to cook lunch...put the rubbish out.....wash up....put something in the room....toilet etc anything I think will work at the time. I often don't kiss or hug when I go (always do when I arrive) always keep my bag with me so I can try and slip out when I can and always leave my coat in the car so it isn't a sign or trigger that I am just about to go. Good luck I know how hard it is dad was just like your dear wife in the first few months.

 

[Beate]

John Suchet describes it as "parachute in, evaporate out" in his book "My Bonnie". So basically don't make a big deal about leaving, just leave the room casually as if you are about to return.

 

[bongee]

Dad had been in the care home for 5 months now and I have never been able to say goodbye properly. We couldn't even tell him the truth about taking him there as he wouldn't have willingly gone with us. It is horrible and I will never get used to telling love lies but it is kinder for dad and he has gradually got used to me saying...I am just going to cook lunch...put the rubbish out.....wash up....put something in the room....toilet etc anything I think will work at the time. I often don't kiss or hug when I go (always do when I arrive) always keep my bag with me so I can try and slip out when I can and always leave my coat in the car so it isn't a sign or trigger that I am just about to go. Good luck I know how hard it is dad was just like your dear wife in the first few months.

Thanks for your comments they really help

 

[bongee]

John Suchet describes it as "parachute in, evaporate out" in his book "My Bonnie". So basically don't make a big deal about leaving, just leave the room casually as if you are about to return.

Thank you

 

[Solihull]

I know this sounds hard but my mom was like this at first but I was advised to cut the visits down so that she felt more "at home" and not just waiting for me. I left 4-5 days between visits (& still do now) and it worked. Just a thought x Sue

 

[Grannie G]

Hello bongee

Tell your wife you`re going to the toilet, or to the shops to buy something nice for tea, or to the dentist [ my husband never wanted to come with me to the dentist ]

Tell her anything you feel she will relate to but would not like to do, anything other than going home.

 

[moy]

My wife has been in a care home with dementia for about two months but hates it and continually pleads with me to take her home. The home provides excellent care but there are a few patients who are particularly challenging and these upset her a lot ( she is well aware of her surroundings )
She is reasonably OK when I visit but when I come to leave she is adament that she is coming with me. Normally one of the care staff try to distract her but she is becoming more and more suspicious and kicks up a fuss every time I come to leave..
Anyone have any clever ideas how to help ?

we used to have this problem with dad so we used to say we were going shopping and would be back soon, hope this helps

 

[cemd]

Thanks

Hi Thanks to you all for the helpful comments; it will help me very much with managing my Mum too. It is easier to accept this sort of advice from other relatives than from the professionals somehow. Usually am pressed, 'don't disappear without saying goodbye', but I know that Mum will forget I have even visited, much less whether I say goodbye. Obviously don't want to cause more emotional distress tho' so it can be difficult to do the simple thing sometimes. Thanks, I do get a lot of reassurance and plenty of good ideas from all the posts.

 

[Lizziedalia]

Time spent with your loved one in a nursing home

Hi

Entering a nursing home requires adjustments and adaptation for the person in care and for the people who used to care for that person. Hence it is a difficult phase for everybody involved at the beginning. To cut short, this is what I am now doing (my mum has been in a nursing home for 9 months now) when visiting my mum (we get on very well together): I make sure that I give her plenty of attention, cuddles and kisses and that we are not surrounded by too many residents as she panics. When I feel it is time to leave, I prepare my coat and bags and put them in a place where I can take them quickly and discreetly. 5/10 minutes before I go, I give kisses to my mum without saying why, take her for a stroll around the rooms or leave her in her room or with a small group of residents. Either I give an excuse like : I go to the toilet/I need to see the nurse/I come back in 5 minutes .... or no excuse at all (most of the time now and it is much easier for everyone) and I disappear feeling not guilty about it. I have noticed that my mum feels as happy if I stay less time as long as I give her plenty of affection and attention and achieve to cheer her up. I used to stay sometimes 4 hours in one go and left feeling that there was something still missing. Not anymore. But I keep an open mind as she may require sg different in a while. Now to the big question "how often shall one visit " I keep asking myself my own question "if anything happened to my mum all of a sudden how would I feel knowing that I could have seen her more often without disturbing her routines in the nursing home?" So I have no answer but I keep telling myself "follow your heart and act within reasonable human limits". All the best, cheers, Lizziedalia

 

[joaniemac]

Sounds familiar

It is ages since I have been on the website because I sometimes find the subject matter too painful. However, occasionally, as with this topic, I am reminded that there are so many of us coping with the same challenges in life. My mum has a diagnosis of vascular dementia and Alzheimer's and has been in a care home for over 2 years since my dad died. I completely understand what you are saying about leaving a loved one and all I can say is I agree with all of the above. Mum has constantly been a challenge to us when we leave her or if we return her to the home after a trip out, saying she hates it there and wants to come with us. When we have tried to be honest (as per my old mum) she becomes more agitated and cross with us, saying she will go to stay with her mother- my mum is 90! In the same breath she tells us how lovely the staff are with her. So, we have resorted to distraction, giving her a paper to look at, taking her to an activity, the dining room etc.... Or lying as the others have said. I say I am going to places she won't want to go to, say I don't have a car, ask her what she wants from the shops etc... I think we find that whatever works at that time then go with it.

It seems so cruel to fib and totally against how mum and I used to be together, however she is calmer with this approach and it is right for her now. I think to play it low key suits my mum as she is at the moment and it has to be about her and not my feelings. And as someone else said, she will have forgotten that I have been within 15 minutes!

All I can say is good luck and don't be too hard on yourself. Dementia alters the relationship that you have with your loved one but they still have an emotional connection with you which no-one else can offer. They may not be able to express it or even understand it but it is still there. Our visits are precious memories of shared time together.

 

[cragmaid]

I stayed with my Mum today for less than 30 minutes...she was asleep the whole time so I took down her Christmas Cards, caught up on the CH losses..one of my favourites died yesterday, and left without Mum even knowing I'd been.

I wish she could still rant on at times.......how quickly the change came for her.....but I still tend to leave as the meals or tea trolly come around. If needs be, leave your coat in the office or cloakroom, somewhere where you are not seen to be dressing for outside.

 

[molly100]

Depending on the time of day I would either leave as dinner was served and my mother was occupied with eating or, if later in the evening, I would yawn, say I was tired and was going to have a bath and an early night. I convinced her that a room had been made available for me to sleep in the home but that I would be up early for work in the morning so I wouldn't disturb her. She accepted this and seemed comforted by the fact that I was near and it probably took her back to the kind of thing I would have said when I was younger and still living at home. The stories became more elaborate has her illness progressed but I would say whatever it took to keep her calm and happy. Sadly she deteriorated rapidly and we lost her in March last year. hope this helps.

 

[chez]

Leaving the Care Home

I totally agree with all of the comments in this thread and have used most of them at some time or another. We try to visit my Mum in Law before tea then take her through to the Dining Room when tea is ready, settling her at the table before we go......however, she often wants us to stay, and looks for a table for 3! We usually say we can't stay as we haven't booked, or we have to go shopping etc. The Carers often distract her at that point while we make a quiet getaway
Sometimes we may find that there's something she needs, such as soap or tissues, and we leave to go to the shop for them, sneaking them into her room while she's having her tea in the dining room.

We often feel guilty being so devious with her, but if it avoids her getting upset when we leave, then we've met the objective

 

[eejjbb]

My family have found that only staying for half an hour means that Mum doesn't get so upset when we leave. If I am on my own I tell her I am off to help my married daughter wash floors. Then Mum lets me go at once without a fuss.

 

[love.dad.but..]

Over the months I have also in the couple of hours that I visit ... go off to Dad's room to say I am putting something there/make the bed...get up and talk to other residents....go to find things around the home has misplaced...etc....this was a deliberate early strategy I used and developed so gradually dad got used to me wandering around and not sitting with him all the time. It took time for him not to follow me each time but now he accepts I go off for a few minutes...sometimes forgets I am there which is a huge step forward but I think it helped but I still don't tell him am going.....making tea....toilet....washing up...if he nods off I go. Hope this also helps you.

 

[bazil]

Leaving

My wife has been in a care home with dementia for about two months but hates it and continually pleads with me to take her home. The home provides excellent care but there are a few patients who are particularly challenging and these upset her a lot ( she is well aware of her surroundings )
She is reasonably OK when I visit but when I come to leave she is adament that she is coming with me. Normally one of the care staff try to distract her but she is becoming more and more suspicious and kicks up a fuss every time I come to leave..
Anyone have any clever ideas how to help ?

My dad has been in a care home for 6 months after having been in hospital, we have never told my dad we were going home but always have said we were going shopping, something my dad would never have wanted to do, on occasions he has attempted to come but we said it was wet and we would bring him something back my dad has always been happy with that and to stay. It is easier and for us manageable.

 

[small]

What a fantastic post. My husband has been in a Care Home 9 months now and it has been at stages torture to visit him as he would plead, demand, assume he was coming home with me. I think there's quite a significant difference between visiting a parent and visiting a spouse. The loss of him going into a CH made me feel like a widow, and his unhappiness and anger when I visited him were so hard to bear. I still love him as a husband not a patient. I used all the ploys used by the others, but I felt so bad it made me ill and I couldn't visit more than once a week as I felt constantly sick with anxiety.

I needed therapy to help me come to terms with it and I'm still "grieving" his loss. Recently his medication has been increased and he became much calmer and seemed contented. It became a pleasure to visit him and I called in to see him daily. Sadly he's now showing signs of being over sedated so I'm meeting the CPN next week to discuss this.

We are all coping as best we can with a truly cruel dilemma. I think in the end we just have to do what works while keeping ourselves sane.

My best wishes to all of you

Jackie

 

[Silver Lining]

I wish .........

Its been a few days now since I saw my OH, the last visit was so distressing I could not distract him from saying "Come-on we're going now" he began to get very angry but I did manage to slip out whilst a member of staff distracted him. Apparently he was banging on the door to be let out when I left.

It doesn't make things easier because he was placed for 30 days in a Nursing Home at the top of our road. He can see the tops of our bungalows from the window and he knows it is where we live, although he doesn't know our address.

At the end of the month there is going to be a review of his needs and hopefully some CHC funding, he has a Life Threatening illness if not monitored properly together with Alzheimers Disease. There is a possibility he may stay in permanent care, but I have said I am not happy where he is at the moment.

They have altered the times of his medication, which for a couple of days has decreased his agitation generally, so fingers crossed I will try to see him again.