How to cope and adapt to the void ... we lost Mum in September ...

[Authona]

Hi,

My dad and I lost my Mum in September and have had my birthday and Christmas to keep us focussed since although obviously we have been missing her deeply. We don't share our emotions openly to each other although we do talk about things. We did get emotional with each other when Mum died because some tears just cannot be hidden as the pain is too great.

Anyway, I'm posting because my Dad has made comments that this is the worst time of the year and the days are long and dreary and there is nothing to do. Also, he has nowhere to go now that he doens't visit my Mum every day. He's putting on some weight too since he's not as active.

I am wondering.

I want to help him find his own way. I don't want to do anything for him because I can't as I don't have his answers. He has them but I want to understand what I may be able to do in terms of supporting him through this first year and helpin ghim discover things he feels are right for him to be doing in the void that he finds himself within now.

I need support as well of course and I have my friends who are being brill. He has his friends too and our family relatives are quite close. However, day to day, I wonder how best to help him? I know as his daughter, I am a focal point for him.

All experiences and ways forward will be different for each individual, I know that. However, if you have anything you have found to be comforting, helpful in moving forward or just existing in a 'stuck' state for a while as the grief unravels itself, then please let me know. I may find it useful for me anyhow, even if its not useful for my Dad.

Thanks then. I miss my Mum and think of her daily at some point when I am doing things. I was looking at my shoes today in work and thinking of her comment of 'how sweet they are' when she first saw them. Just little things twang the emotions but I often smile about the triggered memories and savour the comfort they bring. To know her was a great privelage and to be part of her is a blessing. Know we can all say this about our Mum's and Dad's but it is such a lovely thing to know. Sad to have lost her but warming to know that she was such a huge part of life and a real sense of calm for me. I really miss her in times of pain and struggle since she left. Even through the devil illness, she was able to love me and give me that calming peace only a mother can do. Its a bond I treasure now, then and always.

OK, any thoughts, please say.
Thanks,
Authona x

 

[sussexsue]

Not knowing how old or fit your dad is it is difficult to say.
Does he go out and meet people on a regular basis ?
Does he use a computer ?

For example in our village there are lunch clubs, computer lessons for beginners, etc. Also Age Concern (or whatever it is called these days) runs loads of social activities. U3A in neighbouring towns also run lunch clubs, accompanied walks and outings, cooking for men, plus loads of other classes.

 

[Coletta]

Hi Authona

My tai chi class has people of all ages. If you could join in your area, it could be something you and your dad could do together if he is reluctant to go on his own. Physical exercise but very good for the memory as well as it consists of 108 movements. We have an elderly man in our class who joins in holding on to a chair.
I googled U3A (University of the 3rd. Age) in my area the other day and was amazed at the courses they run. Im hoping to join a walking group and make some new friends.
I applied for a voluntary job today, people of all ages can volunteer for something, if they are able.
We lost mum very recently and I think the best way to cope is to keep busy if you can.

Coletta xx

 

[tre]

Depends what sort of chap your dad is. My mum died in September and Dad basically just feels he is biding his time until they can be together. I have had contact with other bereaved spouses on TP who feel the same. I like you want to do the best for my dad but it is difficult. Dad was never a joiner. Mum did join a few things but mostly they felt each other was enough, so it is doubly hard for him now. He did not even want to be with anyone at Christmas because it all felt so pointless without mum but luckily, with the help of some great people on TP ( Jimbo- heartfelt thanks) he did come to me and enjoy Christmas. I find it OK most of the time trying to encourage my dad but sometimes when I feel low I feel "what about me- I lost my mum". Mostly I am able to put dad first but in private I do have a weep. What keeps me going is the certain knowledge that my mum would want my dad looked after and comforted so I try to see it as a way of honouring her memory.
Tre

 

[together]

We lost Mum in feb and your relationship with your Dad sounds very similar to mine. Dad doesn't open up to me much altho he has talked to my sister in law(we lost my brother -her husband 8 yrs ago) he seems to be able to talk a little bit to her about emotions. As for groups he's not interested in joining anything and I have tried to encourage him, he's 92 and sadly most of his friends have all died. Our one huge positive has been a computer, it is his lifeline (my patience has been severely tested with complex phone calls sorting out computer problems!) - he sends and recieves e mails, people send him photos and he searches for all sorts. Also uses i player a lot. He would be lost without it now.
Like Tre I also feel he is biding his time, from feb thro to Oct he has spent sorting the house ready..... He tells me what he's sorted , not just Mums things with which I helped but now all his.He's also had work done on the house so it's fine when he's gone or so he says.Ifind this extremely difficult to cope with/accept.
I know what you mean when describing your feelings. Today I managed to get toYork Minster (a special place full of special memories for me and Mum) and lit a belated Christmas candle and the tears came, such sadness and such loss. I think only a daughter can understand.
Hoping you manage to find some help, sending love katherine xx

 

[Authona]

Hi,

Thanks for all the suggestions and thoughts. My dad is 85. I don't get the feeling he has given up on life but do get the feeling that he is feeling lost in his life somehow wondering how and with what to fill the space. He is getting things in order but not at a fast rate or to make it easier for me when he's not around any more. He just likes to be in control.

I have thought about getting a computer, not necessarily for him but for us both (I have only a small notebook at the moment that I bought to be able to manage after leaving my man of 20 years and am now living at my Dad's between relationships ... ). I am sure he would get involved in it and I too have thought about him being able to socialise electronically with our family and find any long lost friends, etc.

He is good with people but whether he would like to actually join a group that regularly meet, I don't know. I don't think he's ready for that just yet but when the better days come, he may be.

Umm, it's difficult to know how to help without rescuing. I have never heard of the university. Don't know if he'd go for that.

He loves his gardening so maybe he could get involved with an agricultural society or something of that nature.

OK, any other ideas, shout them out. Thanks so far.

Authona x

 

[together]

Hi
Dad refused the university of the 3rd age.He tried a church group once and never returned despite already knowing people there from long ago!
We are aware (after setting the computer up for him) of how often he logs on and it's at least 3 or 4 times a day. Have tried to set him up with 'daily e mails' and registered him for the Daily Telegraph news which has been great and also registered him for once or twice monthly for gardening bulletins. am pondering who is reasonable/appropriate for him to follow on twitter! Any suggestions welcome ?
It takes him a long time to type e mails but certainly keeps his mind and his arthritic fingers active - it's his challenge. Katherine
PS at one point we pondered a pet for him too - as an ex magician we thought about a rabbit but decided it would be too much for him!