How much worse do already bad relationships get? 20%? 50%? 150%

[isthisreallyhappening]

My spouse didn't much like me during the first 50 years and as his symptoms of dementia worsen, so does his intolerance. I know most folks don't spend 55 years in a a loveless marriage but I did and it's too late now to escape so I'm trying to anticipate how bad it might get. Maybe if I know what's coming, it will be easier to deal with.

Question is to those of you who've had a more normal marriage. If your spouse sometimes became hateful after dementia started, did it get increasingly worse like up a ramp, or did it hit a plateau?

 

[amIinthewrong?]

I'm not married but I do know quite a lot of people stay in a love less relationship for what ever reason applies to the couple, there are quite a few forums on here that mention about spouses regarding the topic you have mentioned. I'm sorry that you're going though this, maybe you might want to have a think about how you want to spend you're future because putting up with it isn't something that a person should have to be forced to go though,and I think 55 years is way to long and even if you think you don't have those options they are out there.💐💐

 

[cymbid]

Staying in a loveless relationship is madness. You may be in your 70s but a wee flat of your own and ability to get out and meet people for even coffee and a chat without this constant walking on eggshells is priceless

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @isthisreallyhappening . I am so saddened to read of your loveless marriage. There are many reasons why people stay, often through financial barriers or a fear of the unknown future if starting again. From what I have read on these forums, it seems to me that most PWD’s behaviours deteriorate. There’s no knowing, or at what rate. One or two have found theirs have become more mellow and agreeable.. Do you have a plan about sitting it out until he needs a care home placement? This could take years and even more of yours too. @cymbid makes a good point, have you considered this?

 

[special 1]

Hi there. I have been married for 57 years and yes it will only get worse, We used to hike, cycle do all those normal things together and now bang it has all stopped. Life is just going to the shop quick putting out washing or dumping rubbish, how exciting is that. Yes, I hate my Husband now. But he never asked to get this disease. I think at times what if the shoe was on the other foot, would he want to look after me!!! Try and look after yourself as much as you can. 💔💔💔

 

[Lawson58]

I wonder why you stayed so long and I also wonder as @special 1 said, would have he have cared for you if you had been the one to become ill.

Not my first marriage but OH and I have married twenty years, ten of which have been caring years. The only reason we didn’t split was because of finances.

Do you have any plans for yourself?

 

[Weasell]

My spouse didn't much like me during the first 50 years and as his symptoms of dementia worsen, so does his intolerance. I know most folks don't spend 55 years in a a loveless marriage but I did and it's too late now to escape so I'm trying to anticipate how bad it might get. Maybe if I know what's coming, it will be easier to deal with.

Question is to those of you who've had a more normal marriage. If your spouse sometimes became hateful after dementia started, did it get increasingly worse like up a ramp, or did it hit a plateau?

In answer to your question, it could ramp up or may hit a plateau! It is so dependant on things like where in the brain the damage is, progression and other things.

I always think things must be so hard for the people who report their beloved husband with gentle ways and a great sense of humour, changes to be the opposite! Not fun whatever camp you are in!

Staying together often makes sense. For so many reasons. I would suggest you read other people’s posts and teach your self about money to give yourself maximum protection for the future.
I hope you are claiming Attendance allowance, have requested reduced community charge and have applied for carers benefit if applicable?

The other good move is to learn communication tips. Example when asked how long I was going out for I would calculate then say ‘ two hours’, then the penny dropped if someone can’t tell the time why would you do that. From then on ‘ only half an hour’ was my stock answer and life improved.
I attach compassionate communication, always worth a read.

Often these situations end when the person has a prolonged stay in hospital and the carer says I can no longer cope. This is also one of the reasons I mention money because should this happen you need to understand if he will be self funding, in a care placement.
If you own your property and remain married it will be exempt from financial assessment.
You will need LPa’s if you can get him to sign the paperwork.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[Firecatcher]

My spouse didn't much like me during the first 50 years and as his symptoms of dementia worsen, so does his intolerance. I know most folks don't spend 55 years in a a loveless marriage but I did and it's too late now to escape so I'm trying to anticipate how bad it might get. Maybe if I know what's coming, it will be easier to deal with.

Question is to those of you who've had a more normal marriage. If your spouse sometimes became hateful after dementia started, did it get increasingly worse like up a ramp, or did it hit a plateau?

It’s never too late to escape and I’d advise you to look closely at your options. Dementia can continue for a long time and you will certainly be sucked in unless you take action. Things will definitely get worse and the ensuing behavioural problems are difficult to deal with alongside incontinence which inevitably occurs. You’re own physical and mental health will decline because you won’t have the time to look after your own needs. Social services are mostly unhelpful and you’ll be left to cope with situations no one should have to deal with if you stay.

 

[JoannePat]

I am so sorry to hear the situation that you are in. My parents were in pretty much the same scenario. I actually wish they had separated/divorced many years ago, but for one reason or another they stayed together and made life unpleasant for each other.

As others have said, if you are able to make some sort of life for yourself now please try. I think that my dad would be in a better place now.

Thinking of you

x

 

[Chizz]

Hi @isthisreallyhappening
I'm very sorry to read your post. As others have said:
- your husband's dementia, and thus behaviours, speaking, abuse, ? violence, is only going to get worse and worse. Dementia can last anything up to 15 years from when it started which may be quite some while before diagnosis. You didn't say whether your husband has been formally diagnosed or not, or if so when.
- it's never too late to leave an unhappy marriage and if it's tooooo bad, then you should. You have a life to lead as well, you have health, mental and physical, to look after. You are a separate person. You have no legal obligation to care for another adult
- if ever your husband is or becomes physically violent then you should you get out asap - if necessary phone 999 - the police have a procedure for this. You should also phone Local Authority Adult Social Services if a crisis arises as, in such circumstances, it is their job to sort it out. If you feel you can't care for your husband then contact LA ASS.
- yes make sure you know all about your own and your husband's finances, pensions, care payments, etc., in whose name or names the property is is in. If you have a property in joint names you have right to live there and having such a right may well mean that the value of the property is disregarded in working out who pays for your husband's care needs if he has to go in a care home. There are limited care homes that can cope with violent dementia sufferers.
-what used to be called "cruelty" (physical or mental) is now, in divorce matters called "unreasonable behaviour" and is one of the grounds for a divorce to proceed straight away. If you think you will not be able to stay with your husband, whether you contemplate divorce or not, you should keep a diary of the times and the details of when and what happens on your husband's abuse or violence.
Having all the info may help you make an informed choice.
Best wishes

 

[Helen CW]

My spouse didn't much like me during the first 50 years and as his symptoms of dementia worsen, so does his intolerance. I know most folks don't spend 55 years in a a loveless marriage but I did and it's too late now to escape so I'm trying to anticipate how bad it might get. Maybe if I know what's coming, it will be easier to deal with.

Question is to those of you who've had a more normal marriage. If your spouse sometimes became hateful after dementia started, did it get increasingly worse like up a ramp, or did it hit a plateau?

I certainly understand what you are saying. We've been married for 52 years, are 73 and 79. He has "early' dementia and I find I am beginning to actually dislike him more than I could ever anticipate. Sometimes I feel sorry for him but other times I think on the times I should have left, but didn't (I was the independent, self-sufficient partner with the financial security). He was ok, not a wonderful partner, but tolerable. He isn't hateful and still says how much he loves me, but I find it hard to say the same. I feel sorry for him more than love him. He is what we used to call a male chauvinist. I stayed for personal reasons that don't need to be mentioned. Suffice it to say, staying became 'habit' - now for the past 4 yrs, since he developed dementia and it seems he is losing whatever social graces he had; is losing some of the behaviors that make a person socialized - doesn't say thanks, ask after your health, etc - but I feel sorry for him but don't actually like him. I figure God made this relationship for whatever He thought was necessary. Sometimes his nice self appears, other times, his intolerant self is front and center. I find I have to hold myself back from saying the things I want to say - but he is also hard of hearing and blind in one eye. It seems he has received his karma, and who am I to add more. I just try to keep myself under control. When I need to talk, I call our daughter as she totally understands. Our son is still in dismay at seeing his father in this shape so I don't burden him with my angst. His doctor said he has slow moving dementia but it doesn't seem slow to me. I see changes in him daily but he cannot accept his diagnosis. Most times I just say ok to whatever he asks because he doesn't understand the explanations. Plateau? No. I think who he is becomes more pronounced. You can simply get passed it by not responding because he won't remember anyway. It will say you some angst and aggravation. If he doesn't like you, so what. You don't have to like him either - but if you feel you can't care for him, by all means, it is never too late to leave and put him in a memory care center. My doctors already asked me this question because I have medical problems that will not allow me to continue to care for him when it becomes too much.