How much to “nag”

[MrsExpo]

Husband has been recently diagnosed with vascular dementia and has other medical conditions and mobility issues. It’s early days yet and I’m taking it a day at a time and learning as I go along. We have good days and bad days.

My current issue is trying to figure out just how much (or how often) should I ask (husband would call it nagging!) him to do the things he’s finding increasingly difficult, or he is increasingly reluctant to do. I include washing/showering, dressing in proper clothes (as opposed to jogging pants and a sweat shirt … his normal day and night attire), changing clothes at bed time, flushing the toilet etc etc …… it’s a long list and getting longer as things progress.

I ask him once and I’m accused of nagging, twice and he gets verbally aggressive. Do I keep at it or just let him do his own thing? Once again, thank you for any insights ……

 

[SeaSwallow]

Hello @MrsExpo It is good that you are taking things a day at a time, dealing with a dementia diagnosis is a steep learning curve.

From reading your second paragraph it does seem as if your husband is losing the ability, or forgetting how, to carry out certain everyday tasks. If you ask him to do something once and he will not or cannot, i would suggest that you do not ask again because as you have found out it can lead to arguments.

I am attaching a link to - Compassionate communication with the memory impaired. Many of our members have found this helpful although it is hard to follow at all times and does not work for everyone.

Compassionate Communication with the Memory Impaired

The following piece was posted a while ago on DSF and made a big impression on me. It is something I have referred to time after time and tried hard to follow. We have many new members who may not have seen it before. Yesterday I posted it on another Thread but thought it might be helpful if...

forum.alzheimers.org.uk

 

[MrsExpo]

@SeaSwallow .... Thank you for this. It's great guide and really helpful to remind me how to communicate without causing anxiety or confrontation. I have to admit I've been trying to "force" him to remember things. Like - he'll ask for the 4th time what he's having for dinner, and I have been saying things like "I told you before, what did I say?".

I see how useless that approach is now. I've clearly got a lot to learn! Onwards and upwards!

 

[Blissy]

I find the washing and changing clothes has been a difficult one to deal with but seems to be a common problem. It is so hard to advise on how to deal with this as we all have different personalities and relationships within our marriages. At one time I could get my husband to undress for bed and would then swap his dirty clothes for clean. He can no longer get in the bath so had wetroom installed but no way he will get in shower! I have kept a routine of washing his nether regions each evening as he has had infections in the past so I tell him that the doctor has said we must do this but it always meets objection. Could you perhaps encourage him to shower but less often..perhaps once a week as long as important bits are washed daily. If what he is wearing isn't so important then just accept that. You will just have to try and prioritise things you feel you need to "nag" about and ignore those you can accept just won't happen anymore. Not easy I know and I probably haven't been much help but be assured those on this forum understand what you are going through. Keep calm and dig up as much patience as you can although we are all human and even the most patient of us have days when it is difficult to find any.

 

[sapphire turner]

Haha I think choose your battles is the best approach, like with stroppy toddlers and adolescents 😹

 

[maggie6445]

Haha I think choose your battles is the best approach, like with stroppy toddlers and adolescents 😹

Exactly what I was going to say. Pick your battles What's important for me is changing clothes, both for cleaning and going to bed , and a daily wash. Not flushing the loo annoyed me at first but I just do it now. I could exhaust myself telling him and getting nowhere with so much now that I let it go. I live his life and my own now. In some some ways I find it easier than telling him how to live his life 😂😂

 

[Chizz]

Please remember @MrsExpo that a PWD cannot help how they are; they cannot change their behaviours, so you have to change yours.
You cannot reason with a PWD who doesn't have or follow reason or logic.
A PWD soon ceases to be able to make decisions and choices. I had to say to my OH do you want the blue or the red jumper, or lets have the blue today. I soon had to help with dressing or undressing as my OH forgot what order to put things on.
If with toileting, flushing is the only issue, then you're doing well. A PWD can have difficulty remembering toilet paper, what to do with it, etc, etc and a lot of mess ensues, with redressing, washing, etc etc. Supervision is needed constantly.
Best wishes. Patience, tolerance, understanding are the easy bits compared with keeping your own sanity!

 

[maggie6445]

Please remember @MrsExpo that a PWD cannot help how they are; they cannot change their behaviours, so you have to change yours.
You cannot reason with a PWD who doesn't have or follow reason or logic.
A PWD soon ceases to be able to make decisions and choices. I had to say to my OH do you want the blue or the red jumper, or lets have the blue today. I soon had to help with dressing or undressing as my OH forgot what order to put things on.
If with toileting, flushing is the only issue, then you're doing well. A PWD can have difficulty remembering toilet paper, what to do with it, etc, etc and a lot of mess ensues, with redressing, washing, etc etc. Supervision is needed constantly.
Best wishes. Patience, tolerance, understanding are the easy bits compared with keeping your own sanity!

I agree @Chizz , I remember when not flushing was a big annoyance. Now I'm grateful that he uses the toilet and not the waste bin or floor as some do. And yes, 24/7 supervision because you never know what's coming next til it arrives.

 

[Rishile]

Flushing toilets used to annoy me a lot. I would tell him to flush it but he would say he had. The evidence (physical and noise) proved he hadn't. Now I just go in and flush it for him or, if it is during the night, wait until I need to use it and do it myself.

I have found that patience is a virtue. The more patient I am with the things he does/doesn't do, the easier my life is.

Having said this, washing up is a MAJOR issue with us and causes arguments EVERY time. I wish I knew how to stop them.

 

[maggie6445]

Flushing toilets used to annoy me a lot. I would tell him to flush it but he would say he had. The evidence (physical and noise) proved he hadn't. Now I just go in and flush it for him or, if it is during the night, wait until I need to use it and do it myself.

I have found that patience is a virtue. The more patient I am with the things he does/doesn't do, the easier my life is.

Having said this, washing up is a MAJOR issue with us and causes arguments EVERY time. I wish I knew how to stop them.

Mmm. Used to annoy me too. Always was standing behind me in the way! Would half dry things and leave lined up on the worktop. Now he's unaware I'm doing the washing up and to be honest I'm glad. At least I can wash ,dry and put away quickly without having to give instructions. I know it has probably de skilled him but I really didn't have the time or energy to keep putting things right he didn't do properly.

 

[Rishile]

Mmm. Used to annoy me too. Always was standing behind me in the way! Would half dry things and leave lined up on the worktop. Now he's unaware I'm doing the washing up and to be honest I'm glad. At least I can wash ,dry and put away quickly without having to give instructions. I know it has probably de skilled him but I really didn't have the time or energy to keep putting things right he didn't do properly.

I have a different problem. My husband always used to do the washing up and I dried and put things away. He now forgets/refuses to use washing up liquid or, sometimes, water. He will rinse things under the tap if they are really dirty but will sometimes just use a sponge to wipe them - even if the sponge is dry. I get concerned if the item (a knife or fork, for example) has been used for food - especially meat. I tell him the food will still be on there and go mouldy so next time we use it, we will get food poisoning. Nothing works. I have put washing up liquid in a bowl and hot water but he has been known to throw that away and just put some cold water in the bowl. He gets annoyed and says that if you don't like it, do it yourself. I would rather do that but he always wants to 'help' and do the washing up. I try to get to the washing up first (not easy sometimes) and let him wipe up. That stops the arguments but he takes him AGES to wipe up so I grab a second tea-towel and help him along.

 

[SherwoodSue]

Could visual cues help? My family use laminated cards. Flush loo , wipe hands
Another set of cards on the back of the front door. Do you have keys, glasses and phone etc
Small white boards diary etc
These thinks work up until they don’t it’s the nature of the beast
For me, stopping saying ‘ do you remember?’ I know try to say I remember when and look for signs of recognition

 

[Blissy]

Mmm. Used to annoy me too. Always was standing behind me in the way! Would half dry things and leave lined up on the worktop. Now he's unaware I'm doing the washing up and to be honest I'm glad. At least I can wash ,dry and put away quickly without having to give instructions. I know it has probably de skilled him but I really didn't have the time or energy to keep putting things right he didn't do properly.

I am the same as you in that there are jobs I now do rather than involve my husband who like yours starts a job and then cannot finish it. Ironing board is now upstairs ( he doesn't manage them anymore) as was taking him 20mins to iron a pillowcase..not a problem in itself but he would then get cross when I did things that he really couldn't manage. I do feel bad that I am depriving him of doing practical things, de skilling him as you say, but when you are tired from having to cope it makes life a little easier.

 

[Miggs]

It is really hard! I just ask my pwd to do things I know he can. He can strip the bed but couldn’t make it again so I ask him to do the former. Never ever puts anything in a bin as I guess can’t sequence the task, so I do it.
Hasn’t been easy to come to terms with but I think avoids him feeling a failure and me being a nag!!

 

[maggie6445]

Could visual cues help? My family use laminated cards. Flush loo , wipe hands
Another set of cards on the back of the front door. Do you have keys, glasses and phone etc
Small white boards diary etc
These thinks work up until they don’t it’s the nature of the beast
For me, stopping saying ‘ do you remember?’ I know try to say I remember when and look for signs of recognition

Thanks, they worked for a while but he is past looking and reading notices now. He no longer has that level of comprehension.I have the rooms upstairs labelled with pictures to help him to know the toilet but it isn't working now. The dementia clock has had its day. He doesn't really know who I am apart from someone he can trust. He thinks I'm part of a team of people ,there's only me ! Thankfully he is placid and compliant but instructions are very hard for him to follow. Sadly he is losing the ability to know the name of objects . I've given up 'nagging ' . It got me nowhere. I have learnt to pick my battles which are few 🙂

 

[canary]

I know it has probably de skilled him but I really didn't have the time or energy to keep putting things right he didn't do properly.

I think that once the person with dementia is unable to do a task to an extent that you have to do it again to put it right, then they are pretty much already deskilled for that task.

I found it a very sad time when OH was constantly losing skills and I seemed to be constantly saying to myself - OK thats another thing he can no longer do....

 

[maggie6445]

I think that once the person with dementia is unable to do a task to an extent that you have to do it again to put it right, then they are pretty much already deskilled for that task.

I found it a very sad time when OH was constantly losing skills and I seemed to be constantly saying to myself - OK thats another thing he can no longer do....

Yes, I agree @canary . My OH has taken a downward turn in recent weeks. Bloods ,urine and heart checks but it's looking like the cause is his dementia. He's becoming incontinent and needs help in toileting. It's so sad,he was such an intelligent man. But... People say how content he seems and he is. We are still able to go to dementia cafes and singing. Simple joys.

 

[Chizz]

Yes, I agree @canary . My OH has taken a downward turn in recent weeks. Bloods ,urine and heart checks but it's looking like the cause is his dementia. He's becoming incontinent and needs help in toileting. It's so sad,he was such an intelligent man. But... People say how content he seems and he is. We are still able to go to dementia cafes and singing. Simple joys.

I'm sorry to say @maggie6445 dementia, and for that matter, later life incontinence, doesn't discriminate on grounds of intelligence or lack of it.

 

[MrsExpo]

Some really useful insights and shared experiences to draw on here. Thank you to everyone …

@maggie6445 … we too are experiencing incontinence issues, which make the reluctance to shower even more urgent! We have had some really excellent support from our community continence nurse, who is absolutely lovely, and are putting management measures in place. At least my husband will wear the pads/pants to contain “accidents”. Hopefully he will continue to do so … not ideal but we manage.

 

[maggie6445]

Some really useful insights and shared experiences to draw on here. Thank you to everyone …

@maggie6445 … we too are experiencing incontinence issues, which make the reluctance to shower even more urgent! We have had some really excellent support from our community continence nurse, who is absolutely lovely, and are putting management measures in place. At least my husband will wear the pads/pants to contain “accidents”. Hopefully he will continue to do so … not ideal but we manage.

We have had the incontinence nurse visit too. My OH is willing to wear pull ups which I'm grateful for. He calls them safety pants. He is also reluctant to get under the water in the shower although he will go in! I've been using the no water , no rinse products nilaqua/ omnitex/ senset foam. It doesn't matter if rinsing is poor but it maintains the shower routine .