How much longer?

[malengwa]

If you can go and spend some happy time with your grandson, then do so. Time with children is often a pick me up.

I'm struggling with the little things that catch you unawares. Today I went to buy christmas cards. I headed for 'mum and dad' like always, then had to stop myself to find instead the 'dad' ones. I left the shop in tears and came home.

 

[JackyJ]

Oh dear, it’s all the little things that you can’t plan for. I’m worried about being on my own, I feel terribly for those people who have lost their partner. I just can’t bear to think how it must be on your own.

I’m just waiting now for the funeral, the sad thing for mum is there will only be the family, she lived in the USA for 25 years until 5 years ago when I brought her back, to be in a NH near the family. So none of my friends new her. So we’re having a drink after the funeral at our local country pub and have invited all our friends for a celebration of mums life. It’s the best I can do and I think she would have liked that.

Big hugs everyone, try and have a good day x

 

[lemonjuice]

I’m just waiting now for the funeral, the sad thing for mum is there will only be the family,

That's so often the case, even if they haven't moved country.

My mother was German and no family could come. I thought one or 2 carers from her NH where she'd lived for 6 years would come, but no. There were just 2 ex-bowling friends, husband, our two sons and wives and their in-laws. 19 in all (havig catered for 30) !
As one of her bowling friends pointed out once they go into a NH and 'are out of the loop' people just lose contact.

 

[malengwa]

Jacky, how are you doing?
And Scoutsgirl, how are things?

I went out for the first time last night, which was good. Just seems so much to do with christmas as well.
I've not been sleeping well, I wake up with really silly things on my mind. I walk with a stick, what if I fall over in the church? What if the caterers let me down? What if my brother really doesn't come to the funeral? All buzzing in my head like constant voices.

 

[Scouts girl]

Hello malengwa. I am ok but like you, not sleeping very and having some silly dreams. I dreamt last night that I forgot to take my written eulogy to mums funeral??!! What is all that about. I am fretting about the funeral too, and did go in to the funeral directors this morning to look at the draft order of service which was fine. I am sure everything will go as well as possible and just hope I can read my eulogy without breaking down. When is your funeral? I think it is the time of year too, isn’t it, with so much going on all around us and just need to take some deep breaths. Hope you are ok too JackyJ and trying to get some well deserved rest. Take care both of you. Keep posting if you can. I will write again after the funeral on Wednesday. I think tomorrow will be a difficult day for me, just try and keep busy to get through the day and try and prepare myself for Wednesday. Xxx

 

[Scouts girl]

Sorry just reread my post, should have rephrased it better malengwa, of course I meant to say your mums funeral.......my apologies, my head a bit fuzzy at the moment xxx

 

[lemonjuice]

I am ok but like you, not sleeping very and having some silly dreams. I dreamt last night that I forgot to take my written eulogy to mums funeral??!! What is all that about.

I'm not sleeping well either and mum's been gone 2 months now.

Scouts girl I printed off 3 copies of Mum's tribute.
One I left at the reception hall on her 'Memories' table, one I took with me and then I had a 'back up' copy with the cake, should anything happen to any of the others.

 

[Scouts girl]

That’s a good idea lemon juice. I might leave one taped to the front door, surely I won’t forget it then!

 

[JackyJ]

OMG cake, do I need a cake?? Lemonjuice do I need one??

I’ve come down with a stinking cold as well, my brain went fuzzy over 4.5 years ago when I moved mum home, now I have no brain at all.

It’s so busy, my dad has advanced Parkinsons so everything’s down to me, he wanted to buy a new outfit, not a problem but after managing wheelchairs him in a dressing room etc and I’ve just ironed all his laundry tags into his clothes. Then I found mums . I’ve decided my mum has been kind though, she s,wats said ask a busy woman and she’ll find the time. That’s exactly how I feel, busy with funeral, Dad and Christmas, there’s no time to sit and feel sorry for myself. So perhaps in a way that’s best, keeping busy not wallowing in sadness, just busy doing....just as mum would.

Scout girl I hope Wednesday goes well, I’m sure it will, I’ll be thinking of you. Malengwa you’ll be fine please stop worrying, our mums will be by our side helping us through the day, looking down on us with love.

If al else fails try nighnurse cold remedy, it knocks me out ....big hugs.xxxxxx

 

[lemonjuice]

OMG cake, do I need a cake?? Lemonjuice do I need one??

No you don't need one. With my mother's German heritage we just had 'coffee and cakes' at the 'wake'

 

[LadyA]

Thinking of you all. A very difficult and busy time. I'm sure the funerals will go fine. After all, it's just a gathering of people who are there to support you in your loss and say their goodbyes to your loved ones. Everyone there will be wishing you well, and nobody will mind a bit if there are any little hiccups in the proceedings.

Wishing you strength for the coming days - and I hope your cold is soon better, @JackyJ .

 

[Raggedrobin]

Hello to all of you who have posted on this thread. i just want to express my sympathy. My mother is 100 and still going, barely and I was attracted by the thread title of 'How Long...'. I realise I am still at the waiting point and you are now grieving but many of your comments hit me. Also about feeling lonely with it all.
i have got used to Mum's crises and the rollercoaster stuff of whether we are nearing end of life or not but yesterday I went in and looked at her, her skin like parchment, her slipping in and out of sleep and I just wept, for the strong, fierce woman my mother used to be and the little tiny fragile shell of a woman she is now. And still I ask, how long?

 

[lemonjuice]

Hello to all of you who have posted on this thread. i just want to express my sympathy. My mother is 100 and still going, barely and I was attracted by the thread title of 'How Long...'. I realise I am still at the waiting point and you are now grieving but many of your comments hit me. Also about feeling lonely with it all.
i have got used to Mum's crises and the rollercoaster stuff of whether we are nearing end of life or not but yesterday I went in and looked at her, her skin like parchment, her slipping in and out of sleep and I just wept, for the strong, fierce woman my mother used to be and the little tiny fragile shell of a woman she is now. And still I ask, how long?

Only wanted to post to give you a virtual hug ((( Raggedrobin))). My mother had 10 'crises' this year, having had 8 last year and I lost count of the number of times I cried out ,"How long?" When the end came it wasn't even an emergency, just went to sleep for a couple of days, from which she never woke.

 

[Raggedrobin]

Thanks LJ. Gosh I would love it if my Mum just went to sleep like that, sounds like the best way to go, although sad for you that she didn't wake at some point so you could say goodbye. Thanks for the hug - I needed that!

 

[JackyJ]

Raggedrobin I’ll give you a big virtual hug, when I asked the question how longer? I wanted mum to be realised and to be resting peacefully and the crises to be over.

It’s been a week and 2 days since mum left and now I realise I lost her 3 times in my life, but it’s only now I can grieve. She visited me in her dreams last night which was lovely as it was her old self, not the shell of an old lady that she had become. I’m feasting myself on old pictures in preparation for the funeral, I’m filling a photo album of mum so people can see who she was not what the illness had done to her. I urge you all to do the same, relight the images of the real person, after all its them we need to remember not the illness.

Big hugs to everyone and thank you for being here with me and making it all more bearable

 

[Scouts girl]

It is 3 weeks today since I lost my lovely mum. How lovely for you Jacky that she visited you in your dreams and she was her old self and that is what we try and hold on to how they were before this dreadful illness took them from us. It is a lovely though to do the photo album of your mum. I put together a memory book for mum while she was in care with photos of her, dad and the family with little appropriate sayings and poems and for a short while she did have some recognition of everyone but sadly she lost that. I will make it available for friends and family to see tomorrow as, like you say, Jacky I want everyone to remember her life before her illness and not what the illness took away from her. I just hope we do mum proud tomorrow and that she will be by my side to help me cope. Thank you too, from me, for all your kind words it has been such a comfort.

 

[lemonjuice]

sounds like the best way to go, although sad for you that she didn't wake at some point so you could say goodbye.

That didn't matter at all.
I'd said 'Goodbye' so many times over the past 5 years or so. All those things you say, I love you / forgive me / I gorgive you etc had been said years ago and she'd stopped responding over 2 years ago.

 

[malengwa]

I've spent today looking at old photos today. What shone through everything mum did was how incredibly talented she was and most of our stories relate to her creative talent, whether paiting, dessert making, her cakes (we have literally hundreds of cake pictures..She made wedding and novelty cakes). I'm putting together some if her random sketches into a scrap book to be there at her wake. It has helped me in these darker moment when I wish my brothers were helping more.
Jacky it's lovely you mum visited you in your dreams. Probably repeating myself but after the snow melted last week there was mums favourite red rose in flower at the bottom of the garden. It doesn't flower in December. We chose red roses for her coffin
scouts girl ill be thinking of you tomorrow, mums is next week. Jacky, when is your mums funeral? I think you said Wednesday?

 

[JackyJ]

Hello Malengwa, lemonjuice and Scout Girl I hope you are all ok? Merry Christmas to you all I hope you all have tried to have a good Christmas? Mums funeral was on Thursday and went really well, a good turn up of our friends and family, and I must say the wake was lovely, it was a lovely evening of chatting and sharing memories of mum. I had to much champagne and woke with a sore head but happy memories.

I was dreading Christmas Day, as Dad was coming to dinner, but instead we were called to A&E as Dad had been taken very ill. I was told to expect the worst and he had already been resuscitated once, so Christmas Eve was spent alongside his bedside (here we go again) Christmas Day no improvement he has double pneumonia and is at end of life, he has Parkinson’s and dementia.

Well it’s the end of the day and Dad is still with us.... what’s horrible is he has taken all the limelight now, sorry does that sound horrible of me??? But I’m exhausted, I was hoping to start to grieve mum not jump back into hospitals and illness so quickly.

One thing I have learnt is to talk to Dad about his funeral and also book and pay for one up front as it did help with mums.

Oh I’m sorry to sound so gloomy but I’m shattered ...... xxxxx

 

[The searcher]

All things must pass, bloody awful disease