How much longer?

[JackyJ]

JackyJ yes I feel quite lonely at times even thought my hubby is a complete rock. My brothers visit mum but do nothing else. I've tried to raise the funeral conversation with dad but I know he doesn't want to think about that yet as we have no plan in place. The world looks different when you are tired and can't sleep and for me, far away. Every time the phone goes it's 'is this the call'. I've agonused over taking time off work just to be there every day but work is keeping me sane and giving me some normality.
Yes gets keep chatting.
I saw mum yesterday a d she was the most comfortable I've seen her in a while. She even managed some smiles and blew me a kiss as I was leaving, as we have always done. The catheter has been removed and that is better for her although she isn't passing much because she is barely drinking.. I got her to have half a small cup of tea.
Xx to those going or those recently bereaved.
This too will pass.

Hi Malenga

My husband is a rock as well, but finds it hard to know how to help me. I gave up work last year, temporarily so I could spend time with Mum. Unfortunately Dad has advanced Parkinsons and he’s in a care home, and is very demanding so he takes up most of my time. However, I did manage to arrange mums funeral, it was horrible but I was going away so the NH wanted me to arrange everything.

How I’d love a smile, treasure that memory, they are priceless cherished memories.

Xxx

 

[JackyJ]

Got a call Tuesday to say mum doesn’t have long, so I’ve taken residence in the NH in a chair next to mums bed. Mum hasn’t eaten or drunk since Tuesday and has mouth swabs as her only relief, all oral meds’ have stopped, now 3 injections for pain, sedative and dry up secreations. This is hell!!!!!

My only salvation is the kindness of the staff at the NH, being supplied with cups of tea and cooked breakfasts. I feel very welcome, which helps the horrible passage of time we find ourselves in.

I just wish this would end quickly and peacefully. Yet, I wait for the next noisey breath, the occasional sigh and hand squeeze is so welcomed, with a never ending fear they will be the last.

I hate this

 

[lemonjuice]

I just wish this would end quickly and peacefully. Yet, I wait for the next noisey breath, the occasional sigh and hand squeeze is so welcomed, with a never ending fear they will be the last.

I hate this

I think everyone on here whose LO has died will sympathize with this. We've all felt that longing for it all to be over.
My mother had stopped speaking, even sighing amd I hadn't even had a hand squeeze for years beforehand, so I had lost that 'dread' years before, so to know your mother is still 'interacting' even with such basic motions must make it even harder.


As my cousin always said to to me, I wish you strength.

 

[Scouts girl]

Oh I am so sorry JackyJ as I know exactly how you are feeling at this heartbreaking time. I sat with my mum for several days and as I only lived 10 minutes away from the NH popped home for a rest as I was so exhausted and in those couple of hours I was away from her bedside she passed away. The family were able to say their goodbyes and I just constantly held her hand, stroked her head and told her repeatedly that I loved her in the hope she would have some understanding. I hope the end is quick and peaceful for you and I will be thinking of you at this very sad time. Take care xxx

 

[malengwa]

Oh Jacky I wish you strength. When we got the 'not long' call we didn't even get here in time ( yesterday). It was just a few hours, having deteriorated overnight. Mum had just gently slipped away. Today has been exhausting arranging the funeral.
I hope you mums release comes soon and you can get some much needed rest too. Do you have any siblings?

 

[JackyJ]

Hi Malengwa, how are you coping?

I have a sister, last night we both stayed with mum, I don’t feel I can leave mum. But Dad came up yesterday, which is another story, but I didn’t want him to come as he has advanced Parkinsons with Dementia, but my helpful husband bless him told him about mum so Dad insisted. So Dad was dropped off by his carehome staff, which wasn’t very helpful as it became all about Dad, finding him dinner, getting his wheelchair near mum. He said he should be staying, I understand he wants to and in his younger man self yes, but in a very ill old man it isn’t helpful or calm in supporting-mum. I know that sounds horrible, but he is a selfish man and everything is about him.

Rant over sorry.

 

[Scouts girl]

Please rant as much as you like Jacky. When we are going through this awful waiting I found that getting things off my chest helped with the stress I was undergoing just waiting for the inevitable to happen and TP is such a comforting outlet to do this. I am now in limbo at the moment. The funeral has been arranged but is not for another 2 weeks and all the necessary things like registering mums death, and informing companies of her death etc. etc., have now been done. I feel I have been in overdrive these last few days and if I sit down then it will really hit me. I don’t want to be on my own so have tried to be with friends and family as much as possible. The nights are the worst and the doctor did prescribe me sleeping pills some months ago and take them when I am sleep deprived. If anyone has any ideas of how to get just a few hours sleep during this time I would appreciate any advice. Thinking of you Jacky, and hope the waiting will be short and peaceful for you and your family. Xxx

 

[malengwa]

Jacky, I'm OK. Yesterday was hard doing the funeral planning but I was quite calm. Today I've been all over the place, just writing the notice for the local paper had me sobbing. I'm so pleased we got a date before the end of the year.
How are you doing? You do what you need to but please don't make yourself ill if you are camping in the NH.
Scouts girl, I'm not sleeping either and im so tired. Still plenty to do, registering the death and banks, will etc. I've come home now so I'm going to find the music mum wants! I've got little to go on but will keep me busy.

 

[JackyJ]

Mum passed away Sunday morning, I feel so numb now. How am I supposed to feel??

After a 5 day vigil by her bed, she passed with me holding her hand, it wasn’t peaceful or pleasant like the movies but the end came quickly with me holding her hand.

I’m pleased she’s now at rest but feel so sad..... what do I do now?

 

[Scouts girl]

Oh JackyJ I am so sorry to hear your sad news and know exactly how you are feeling. What can one say how we are going to feel now that our lovely mums have gone. I grieved for my mum all during this past year as I lost her months ago to this awful disease and shed so many tears that I felt just numb when she died and couldn’t really cry. I went into overdrive the first few days as my brother and I arranged all the necessary things like, funeral arrangements, registering the death, informing friends and companies etc., etc., that I felt if I stopped I would just fall to pieces. The nights are the worst as that is when your thoughts reach a peak and when all the ‘what ifs’ start running through your mind. I am trying not to feel the guilt of not being able to care for her at home and I know deep down that we did what mum needed through our love for her. I don’t want to be alone and found that being with family and friends is helping me cope. It is now nearly two weeks on from when mum passed away and I still look at the clock around lunchtime thinking it will soon be time to leave to visit her. I hope like me you have many happy memories of your mum and although it is heartbreaking to lose her, that once in a while we can smile remembering the good days. Please keep posting to let us know how you are. It is so comforting, in a strange way, to know I am not the only one suffering this terrible loss. Take care and rest as much as you can. Xxxx

 

[malengwa]

Oh Jacky, I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering if you were still at your mums bedside. I'm sorry to hear your mum has now passed but take comfort from being there in those last few days. I feel exactly the same. There is no 'how should I feel?' You feel how you feel. Glad it's over, sad she went the way she did, angry at the world, smiling for some memories that touch you, numb, tearful, and just about anything in between.
you will find you are helped along the way, by the home, the funeral home, family and friends. Tell a few people and let them tell others. I've found focusing on the funeral quite cathartic, thinking about music, readings, searching out photos of the lighter side of her life. But i've also broken down at the slightest thing, such as writing the notice for the newspaper.
There are a few of us newly bereaved here, keep posting, I'm sure we can all support each other.
Is your sister still with you?

 

[LadyA]

I'm sorry to hear of your loss. Your mum is now at peace, and free of her illness, but that doesn't lessen your pain and grief any. Thinking of you.

 

[JackyJ]

Oh JackyJ I am so sorry to hear your sad news and know exactly how you are feeling. What can one say how we are going to feel now that our lovely mums have gone. I grieved for my mum all during this past year as I lost her months ago to this awful disease and shed so many tears that I felt just numb when she died and couldn’t really cry. I went into overdrive the first few days as my brother and I arranged all the necessary things like, funeral arrangements, registering the death, informing friends and companies etc., etc., that I felt if I stopped I would just fall to pieces. The nights are the worst as that is when your thoughts reach a peak and when all the ‘what ifs’ start running through your mind. I am trying not to feel the guilt of not being able to care for her at home and I know deep down that we did what mum needed through our love for her. I don’t want to be alone and found that being with family and friends is helping me cope. It is now nearly two weeks on from when mum passed away and I still look at the clock around lunchtime thinking it will soon be time to leave to visit her. I hope like me you have many happy memories of your mum and although it is heartbreaking to lose her, that once in a while we can smile remembering the good days. Please keep posting to let us know how you are. It is so comforting, in a strange way, to know I am not the only one suffering this terrible loss. Take care and rest as much as you can. Xxxx

Oh thank you and TP is really helping, I don’t think I could of made it this far without you all, it’s been 5 years since I brought mum back to the UK and she has been such a big part of my life. I gave up work May 16 to be around for her and Dad, not sure what I will do, but I’ve started keeping busy can’t stop, cleaned out the fridge !!! but I also feel like I can’t breath, it’s so strange.

Please keep posting as well I feel so comforted to speak to others going through the same.

Everyone keeps asking if they can help in anyway, I didn’t know what to say. So I now have told those who ask

“ Oh thank you, You can do a few things for me please. Wear a smile and a Christmas jumper, tell the people you love that you love them and have an extra special Christmas. That would make my mum and me really happy xxxxx

Big hugs.

Oh Jacky, I was thinking about you yesterday and wondering if you were still at your mums bedside. I'm sorry to hear your mum has now passed but take comfort from being there in those last few days. I feel exactly the same. There is no 'how should I feel?' You feel how you feel. Glad it's over, sad she went the way she did, angry at the world, smiling for some memories that touch you, numb, tearful, and just about anything in between.
you will find you are helped along the way, by the home, the funeral home, family and friends. Tell a few people and let them tell others. I've found focusing on the funeral quite cathartic, thinking about music, readings, searching out photos of the lighter side of her life. But i've also broken down at the slightest thing, such as writing the notice for the newspaper.
There are a few of us newly bereaved here, keep posting, I'm sure we can all support each other.
Is your sister still with you?

Hi Malengwa, thank you for your words. I find my biggest feeling is an overwhelming feeling of not being able to breath, like there’s a weight on my chest. I know it’s panic & anxiety and that is so not normal for me. I cope like so many of us by keeping busy, I’ve rushed to the funeral directors and have booked a funeral for next week, I’m so pleased that it’s before Christmas. Im just afraid to stop and have time to think.

But, I did lose the plot today when I was called by a funeral directors to say they had mum, but it was the wrong company. The nursing home called the wrong one! I went into melt down as I couldn’t bare to think mum was on her own at the wrong place.

M6 husband is being really supportive, he can’t do enough. But my sister lives 150 miles away, but she’s coming back tomorrow so we can plan and organise.

Sorry I’m going on, just don’t know how we could do this without support8ng each other.

Big hugs x

 

[Izzy]

I'm so sorry for your loss Jacky. I'm glad you were with your mum and holding her hand at the end. Wishing you strength.

 

[Cat27]

I’m so sorry. My thoughts are with you.

 

[Scouts girl]

My mums funeral is next week too and had a visit from the celebrant yesterday who is conducting the service. She was so lovely and calm and was a great help in planning the order. It is just all surreal still at the moment and 2 weeks have passed since I lost mum, but I still can’t register in my head that she is not here. Mum loved Christmas so we as a family will celebrate but with great sadness too. I have decorated the tree and made the house look Christmassy but I just feel so sad that mum will not see it, as she liked to come and see the tree all decorated. I have even decorated her own little one she used to have at home. It will be the first Christmas in 68 years that she will not be with us but I hope in a way her spirit will. Just dreading next week and hope that I can get through it with some composure. We have a long journey ahead of us dealing with our loss but I hope that in time, although we will never forget our lovely mums, we can cherish our memories of them to help us live our lives without them.

 

[malengwa]

Jacky, I feel the same. I've been cleaning the kitchen to within an inch of its life this morning. I'm on my own for the first time as my hubby had a hospital appointment. Christmas will be hard, I have never been a fan because I lost my best friend at Christmas too, and I'm usually a bit wobbly.
keep on waffling. Mums funeral is the week after, you did well to get one so soon, and yes it will be hard. I want to do mum proud, so I'm worrying about the slightest little thing. But it's part of it isn't it. Stay strong, cry when you need to, smile when you can, and if you have jobs for people, do let them do things.

 

[canary]

Im so sorry Jacky.
Numb is how I felt after mums passing too.
Be gentle with yourself and remember that there is no "right" way to grieve.

 

[Scouts girl]

It is being on my own that I find the most hard, I am just trying to find things to do all the time. Went out this morning to do some shopping and order the flowers for mums funeral. My husband is working this afternoon so will be on my own. It was always the afternoon that I visited mum so feel at a loss knowing what to do to keep me occupied. My husband says I must relax when I can, but it is so difficult just gives me more time to think. Like you say malengwa we must try and be strong and don’t stop the tears flowing.

 

[JackyJ]

I find It’s so frightening at night when the house is quiet laying in bed, thinking and thinking. I listen to my husband breathing for comfort but can’t sleep. I’m shattered but as soon as I wake it’s busy busy busy.

On Thursday I planned an outing with my 18 month grandson to see Father Christmas in Milton Keynes, but I’m going to try and do it. Mum would love it, so I’m hoping she’s going to be watching.