1. Expert Q&A: Protecting a person with dementia from financial abuse - Weds 26 June, 3:30-4:30 pm

    Financial abuse can have serious consequences for a person with dementia. Find out how to protect a person with dementia from financial abuse.

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How do you deal with mean and hurtful responses ?

Discussion in 'I care for a person with dementia' started by Bear44, Oct 13, 2015.

  1. Bear44

    Bear44 Registered User

    Sep 28, 2015
    127
    USA
    I'm still trying to find a way to handle my dad's mean, disrespectful, angry responses..

    He says things to me I'd rather not repeat

    I know it's mainly the disease and frustration talking, it still hurts.

    Please help
     
  2. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    I know from experience a this site that you will get some really god advice from some wonderful people. I think the best strategy is to walk away and not respond rise to it as you say it is the disease talking not your dad. In reality I do this lot of the time but some times I give it back with some vengence then leave and go out for the day without looking back,feeling cross with myself for doing it. When I get home its a new beginning and he has forgotten all.
     
  3. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,768
    Merseyside
    #3 Cat27, Oct 13, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015
    I eat too much chocolate & swear all the way home in the car.
    I've found myself shutting off emotionally to cope with the nastiness.
    I go into another room or make him a drink to try break the tirades.
     
  4. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    Good advice to walk away temporarily, maybe into another room.
    Mindy, how does your OH cope with your sudden exits? Is he safe on his own and able to make himself a meal? I understand about him having forgotten the reason for you walking out, but would he not be anxious as to where you were?
     
  5. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,244
    Female
    England
    #5 jaymor, Oct 13, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015
    Best to say " I am sorry you feel that way" and then just walk away. To retaliate just makes you feel worse because you have not handled it very well and have perhaps made it easier for your Dad to continue to hurt you. By walking away you give your Dad time to calm down and hopefully be able to realise that his behaviour is getting him nowhere.

    You have to remember too that you are only human and there will be times when you will loose it and give as good as you got, don't beat yourself up over it, again walk away. There are limits and I am sure every carer has reached that limit at some time or other I know I have.
     
  6. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,244
    Female
    England
    #6 jaymor, Oct 13, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015

    I have walked out of the room, closed the door and stood rudely gesturing to my OH through the door and using every swear word there is and a few made up ones too. I have then taken a deep breath and walked back into the room and very nicely asked him if he would like a nice cup of tea and a biscuit. :). I would have liked to have poured it over him but knowing he had dementia I refrained and put it in a cup.
     
  7. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,768
    Merseyside
    Oh Jay that has made me laugh. :D
    I rarely swore before dementia raised its ugly head & now I'm ashamed of myself :eek:
     
  8. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,244
    Female
    England
    My husband or myself never swore before dementia. I shocked myself the first time I did but was surprised how much better I felt and like a naughty child did it again because I got away with it.

    Words now for my husband are very rare and when he has them they are jumbled but when agitated the swear word will be loud and very, very clear. It makes me smile.
     
  9. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,768
    Merseyside
    I think we belong on the naughty step :D
     
  10. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    I must admit to doing similar, jaymor!
    Mindy, we've probably all felt really rotten after not handling it right, I know there are instances that I don't care to remember myself.
    Is there any way you can get some organised time off caring?
     
  11. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    773
    #11 MrsTerryN, Oct 13, 2015
    Last edited: Oct 13, 2015
    Bear when my mum was in that phase (currently is pleasant and has been about 3 months) my response was crying my eyes out , yelling back , not visiting for a while and definitely eating chocolate and fish and chips. On the swearing I definitely did some of that .
    None of which did anything for mum but I felt dreadful.
    Unfortunately she was vitriolic for about 12 months. It was quite a tense time.
    Fortunately everyone else in my very small extended family were lovely.
    I know people it is just the dementia but it really doesn't help. Mum was mean and nasty.
    I think from what I have read on talking point for most people (though not all) the nastiness does eventually cease.
    Mum did say things like wish you were never born , I hate you etc
    Edited to say
    Sorry I really don't have any hints but I can offer sympathy
     
  12. jaymor

    jaymor Volunteer Moderator

    Jul 14, 2006
    12,244
    Female
    England
    Please join me Cat, I have the sweetly jar and it is full.:)
     
  13. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,768
    Merseyside
    Yay! Sweets :D
     
  14. sleepless

    sleepless Registered User

    Feb 19, 2010
    3,232
    Female
    The Sweet North
    Some tough times for you there.
    I hope this good phase is permanent.
     
  15. MrsTerryN

    MrsTerryN Registered User

    Dec 17, 2012
    773
    Thank you sleepless so do I. Currently my stress levels visiting mum are nowhere near where they used to be
     
  16. reedysue

    reedysue Registered User

    Nov 4, 2014
    4,563
    Scotland
    Me too, I stand outside the door making rude signs and muttering all kinds of things I would not normally say. If someone saw me they would probably get a straight jacket. Sometimes I go outside and throw rocks into the lochan behind our garden. :D
     
  17. 1mindy

    1mindy Registered User

    Jul 21, 2015
    539
    Female
    Shropshire
    No he generally hasn't eaten much maybe fruit or something so I make him something when I get in. He is never anxious about where I have been I think because time means nothing . He ,I think usually sleeps his day away as he is in the same chair that I left him in when I return. I know its not the right thing to do but if I just go in another room or the garden he follows me to continue the abuse.
     
  18. Cat27

    Cat27 Volunteer Moderator

    Feb 27, 2015
    9,768
    Merseyside
    I think the naughty step will become very crowded :D
     
  19. Pear trees

    Pear trees Registered User

    Jan 25, 2015
    442
    I no longer let my mum say the same nasty thing to or about me more than 3 times, then I just say very firmly 'stop it you bad woman (or similar words!) and either walk away or put the phone own. Then I go back in or phone again and she talks to me civilly for a while. My father was the only person who ever stood up to her or answered back.
     
  20. rhubarbtree

    rhubarbtree Registered User

    Jan 7, 2015
    439
    North West
    Make room on the naughty step

    Had a good swear last night but still annoyed this morning so swearing didn't work. Have a strong urge to start throwing things around the house - feel china against walls might help. Problem is I know who would have to clear up and it might upset the dog. Wish I had some rocks and a lochan.
     

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