How do support my partner whose father has Alzheimer's?

[sally pebbles]

Hi am new here, I am after some advice on how to support my partner, who is caring for his elderly dad. Help is very limited for him as he is an only child and there are no other family members to assist him. The dad lives with my other half, he told me that after a conversation this week with his dad, he feels that he is far worse than he realised. He cannot recall events, members of passed family, he shouts and swears at my partner despite all his efforts to ensure his dad is well looked after. I can see how much frustration and hurt this is causing him, it worries me. We both know the stages of this horrible disease, i am not sure though at what stage his dad is really at and I find it difficult to talk to him about what is to come as I know it will get much worse. I dont like to discuss it with my partner deeply as I don't want to distress him and cause additional upset. So you see if there is somebody who is in the same predicament as me or anybody who can help me to help them I would really appreciate any advice, tips or experiences that you may pass my way.... Many Thanks

 

[bilslin]

Hi Sally pebbles and welcome to TP. You've come to the right place for advice and help. theres always someone on here that can do that. has your partners dad been to the GP or memory clinic. If diagnosed, start with social service and you'll get great advice from the Alzheimer society. Then you can get the help when and as needed. Good luck. Keep posting. lindax

 

[sally pebbles]

Hi Sally pebbles and welcome to TP. You've come to the right place for advice and help. theres always someone on here that can do that. has your partners dad been to the GP or memory clinic. If diagnosed, start with social service and you'll get great advice from the Alzheimer society. Then you can get the help when and as needed. Good luck. Keep posting. lindax

Thank you for your reply. Yes, we went to the GP and the memory clinic in February of this year, he was diagnosed with Alzheimer's and Dementia, I cannot remember the correct term for the stage he was at, but he was most def not at stages 1 or 2, he may have been at 3 or 4. They are a very private family and neither father or son would want a stranger coming into the family home, also the father does not see the stress that he causes in the house at times. It's not his fault we know, but it is very difficult, it's more the emotional support and how to help both of them. My partner works on odd evenings and does not come home until very late, I try my best to stay there to give them both peace of mind so he is not worrying for his dad and so his dad is not alone, but cannot always do this as i have a child. Sometimes the dad does not take his tablet for days on end, it is very difficult to try to get him to do things that are in his best interest at times.

 

[marionq]

No matter how sensitive people are sooner or later they have to take practical steps. The first simple step is to go to the GP with a concern about memory issues. They will do a test, take some blood tests and then if necessary refer him to a memory clinic for more specific investigation. This will be further verbal tests, brain scan and possibly ECG.

If he is then diagnosed with some form of dementia you can do other things like applying for Attendance allowance followed by reduction in council tax both of which would help to pay for any help he might need in the future.

This should also kick start some information and advice about groups he might enjoy or measures you can take to help him.

Sorry, crossed over the above post. If you have a CPN contact re the medication then they should be able to give you some tips about how to deal with that. You might also benefit from a chat with Age UK.

 

[sally pebbles]

No matter how sensitive people are sooner or later they have to take practical steps. The first simple step is to go to the GP with a concern about memory issues. They will do a test, take some blood tests and then if necessary refer him to a memory clinic for more specific investigation. This will be further verbal tests, brain scan and possibly ECG.

If he is then diagnosed with some form of dementia you can do other things like applying for Attendance allowance followed by reduction in council tax both of which would help to pay for any help he might need in the future.

This should also kick start some information and advice about groups he might enjoy or measures you can take to help him.

Thank you, as I said he has already been through the tests with both GP and memory clinic and has a clear diagnosis. We have medication for him also. His father would not most probably want or be able to take part in classes ( which would be great for him) he speaks very little english, (he has been in england since 1954) I will put it to my partner that we complete the forms and that maybe enquire about groups that he may like to participate in, although I dont hold out much hope. His dad does not seem to see how he gone downhill, same conversations over and over in the course of a day, doing strange and random things, have likes for things he never liked????

 

[bilslin]

SP people with dementia often eat lots of sweet things. I know its very difficult but adventully some sort of care might need to be put into place and as this horrible disease takes hold it might be necessary. can I just say I care for my mum who has AD and at the beginning she didn't want care worker or to go to any club or day centre but as the years have gone on she's accepted the help that she needs. First of all the cw only came in for her to take her meds 15 mins each morning. Then it gradually the care package was added to. Good Lusk lindax

 

[Beate]

Obviously I don't know where your partner's father lives but here in London there are countless groups for other nations so the fact that he speaks little English wouldn't matter that much.
I know that it is more about emotional support for you but the more practical support he and your partner receive the better he will cope.
Get your partner to have a carer's assessment and explore all options with Social Services like carers coming in or Day Care Centres, sitting services, telecare (trackers, memory devices etc.). Have him apply for Attendance Allowance for his father, it's not means-tested.

 

[sally pebbles]

Obviously I don't know where your partner's father lives but here in London there are countless groups for other nations so the fact that he speaks little English wouldn't matter that much.
I know that it is more about emotional support for you but the more practical support he and your partner receive the better he will cope.
Get your partner to have a carer's assessment and explore all options with Social Services like carers coming in or Day Care Centres, sitting services, telecare (trackers, memory devices etc.). Have him apply for Attendance Allowance for his father, it's not means-tested.

Thank you very much for your reply, I will talk to my partner about the issues i have raised here, he doesn't even know that i have joined this very helpful site. i wish to know how I can give them both emotional support and how best to defuse the arguments and frustrations that occur, as it does neither of them good. I just want everything to go as easily as possibly can.

 

[sally pebbles]

SP people with dementia often eat lots of sweet things. I know its very difficult but adventully some sort of care might need to be put into place and as this horrible disease takes hold it might be necessary. can I just say I care for my mum who has AD and at the beginning she didn't want care worker or to go to any club or day centre but as the years have gone on she's accepted the help that she needs. First of all the cw only came in for her to take her meds 15 mins each morning. Then it gradually the care package was added to. Good Lusk lindax

Thank you for taking the time for your kind words. At some point care will have to be introduced, coming from a very private Italian family and his dad being a very headstrong gentleman, I think we may have a fight on our hands

 

[jeany123]

I wonder if it would help if you and your partner read this thread it gives some very good ideas, I hope it will be useful,

http://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/show...emory-Impaired&p=413710&viewfull=1#post413710

 

[sally pebbles]

Hi, many thanks for the thread, I found it very useful, some of the points we do practice others we dont, so I will suggest we put these into use. I am sure many others will find it useful also.

 

[Beate]

Giving emotional support for your partner means supporting him in his decisions, maybe accompanying him to meetings with doctors or social workers, helping him fill in forms and above all listening if he wants to talk. What annoys me is when friends think everything's fine just because I haven't mentioned something for 2 days. That's why we're here on Talking Point, so we can talk and whinge to others. Your partner may think he should not talk to you about it so as not to distress you and you think you should not talk to him so as not to distress him. But he might really want to so gently encourage him to talk to you? Also, reassure him that you know it's the disease not the man who shouts at him.

 

[sally pebbles]

Giving emotional support for your partner means supporting him in his decisions, maybe accompanying him to meetings with doctors or social workers, helping him fill in forms and above all listening if he wants to talk. What annoys me is when friends think everything's fine just because I haven't mentioned something for 2 days. That's why we're here on Talking Point, so we can talk and whinge to others. Your partner may think he should not talk to you about it so as not to distress you and you think you should not talk to him so as not to distress him. But he might really want to so gently encourage him to talk to you? Also, reassure him that you know it's the disease not the man who shouts at him.

Hello, thank you for replying, I do try to support where I can, have been to the hospital with them both. Every day I ask after his dad to see how he is doing, I try to stay with them as much as possible, I take him shopping to pick up bits that they may need so he is not out of the house for too long. Having another person round the house tends to defuse the conflict at times. Although it is so difficult to see my partner hurting because as he says he can see his dad as he knew him slipping away. We try to take each day at a time, although I really do think that it would be most sensible to complete the relevant forms for future times. My partner tends to put things off rather alot, I think it's because it brings it home to him even more of his dads illness.when he talks about his dads progression with his condition I know it's only going to get alot worse but I don't and cant bring myself to say that as I know it would cause so much more stress and upset. Sometimes I worry that my partner will have a breakdown through all the stress. As always though we have good days and bad days.