How do I deal with my conflicting emotions


New member
Dec 3, 2023
Hello. My mother has Alzheimer’s. Me and my brother had to make the hard decision to move her into residential care. I am overcome with guilt because I don’t live near to her care home. We moved her to a place that was close to my brother as she was very close to him. Until recently I had been FaceTiming her every week. I haven’t done this for a while because the last time was extremely stressful and distressing for me and my mother. She has no idea who I am and was spiteful and nasty throughout the call. I really feel torn because she’s my mum and I don’t want to lose contact but I also don’t want to upset her and my by calling. I know it’s the disease that making her this way but I just don’t know how I should be feeling or how to deal with the situation


Registered User
Feb 18, 2017
Hello @traceyhulbert this must be so sad for you to deal with. As you say, it is the dementia not your mum doing this but I think as carers we find it hard to separate our loved one form what this disease does to them.
I think you are right to step back from the video calling, it obviously too much for both of you and serves no purpose other than to distress you both. You can still call the home though and ask for progress reports on her. You still have a very important roll to play in being there for your brother, who I assume visits her often. He will need to off load and by supporting him , you are supporting your mum.
You can feel however you need to feel and acknowledge those feelings as valid. There is no rule book for this, we just have to manage the best we can, what ever that looks like. Take care of yourself.


Volunteer Host
Apr 1, 2016
Hello @traceyhulbert welcome to the forum.

Knowing that the spiteful behaviour is part of the disease doesn’t make it any easier does it? I know how hurtful it is but I think in these situations you have to protect yourself and step back. I agree with @SAP its not doing either of you any good and keeping in touch with the home will help you to feel involved.

I’ve seen it suggested that picture postcards can be a good way to keep in touch when other communication is too distressing.