We had an "invisible" distant Cousin from the other side of the family show up uninvited a few days back. After coming in and talking to my Mother (While the nurse and carer were both trying to work with her already) for a few minutes, she pulled me aside and hissed, "How did you let her get so bad?" I was a bit stunned by the question.
My Mother was well fed, clean, freshly showered, well hydrated, free from bumps and bruises, decently dressed, sitting in a clean, safe room and sitting on a fresh, dry chair pad. She has no skin breakdown, her blood pressure is under control and all of her medications are properly administered. I said, she's doing quite well and the nurse agreed with me, telling me to keep doing what I was doing, and she would see about slight medication adjustment. The cousin replied, "She doesn't even recognize me, and she can't string three words together! How can you say she is doing okay?"
I explained the type of dementia she is suffering from (Vascular) and how er chemo from the cancer created some confusion and added to the circulation problems. I told her about having to watch her 24/7, lift her on and off the toilet a dozen or more times a day, cooking three meals from scratch to maintain sodium and cholesterol levels, coordinating all of her medical care with four specialists, arranging Physical, occupational and cognitive therapies, doing her exercises with her on the days she didn't have therapy, taking her out to social engagements. trying to keep her entertained and involved at home dealing with the extreme insomnia at night and all of the other things it took to keep her healthy. Unimpressed, she replied, "Well, I never would have let her get that bad!"
What I said was something to the effect of, "I'm sorry you are upset by her mental state, but we have done all we can to slow her decline as much as possible and keep her as safe and comfortable through this whole mess."
What I really wanted to say was, "Okay superwoman, don't let the door hit you in the butt on you way out!" The Hospice Nurse thought she was lucky not to have a size 14 footprint on the back of her dress.
How many of you have felt, at one time or another, you, as a caretaker, were being held responsible for your loved ones disease? This dimbulb was pretty extreme, but I have felt the same disappointment from others lately. Most of them start out with something like, "If you had given her this miracle herbal treatment that my Chiropractor's wife sells out of her house, she would be doing better now." It seems to be people who are very disconnected from the daily routine of our lives. Most of the people who are even remotely involved with us are grateful to see that she is still in good spirits and fairly pain free.
As I said in an earlier thread, sometimes I would appreciate it if the "Invisibles" were just a little bit more so!
My Mother was well fed, clean, freshly showered, well hydrated, free from bumps and bruises, decently dressed, sitting in a clean, safe room and sitting on a fresh, dry chair pad. She has no skin breakdown, her blood pressure is under control and all of her medications are properly administered. I said, she's doing quite well and the nurse agreed with me, telling me to keep doing what I was doing, and she would see about slight medication adjustment. The cousin replied, "She doesn't even recognize me, and she can't string three words together! How can you say she is doing okay?"
I explained the type of dementia she is suffering from (Vascular) and how er chemo from the cancer created some confusion and added to the circulation problems. I told her about having to watch her 24/7, lift her on and off the toilet a dozen or more times a day, cooking three meals from scratch to maintain sodium and cholesterol levels, coordinating all of her medical care with four specialists, arranging Physical, occupational and cognitive therapies, doing her exercises with her on the days she didn't have therapy, taking her out to social engagements. trying to keep her entertained and involved at home dealing with the extreme insomnia at night and all of the other things it took to keep her healthy. Unimpressed, she replied, "Well, I never would have let her get that bad!"
What I said was something to the effect of, "I'm sorry you are upset by her mental state, but we have done all we can to slow her decline as much as possible and keep her as safe and comfortable through this whole mess."
What I really wanted to say was, "Okay superwoman, don't let the door hit you in the butt on you way out!" The Hospice Nurse thought she was lucky not to have a size 14 footprint on the back of her dress.
How many of you have felt, at one time or another, you, as a caretaker, were being held responsible for your loved ones disease? This dimbulb was pretty extreme, but I have felt the same disappointment from others lately. Most of them start out with something like, "If you had given her this miracle herbal treatment that my Chiropractor's wife sells out of her house, she would be doing better now." It seems to be people who are very disconnected from the daily routine of our lives. Most of the people who are even remotely involved with us are grateful to see that she is still in good spirits and fairly pain free.
As I said in an earlier thread, sometimes I would appreciate it if the "Invisibles" were just a little bit more so!