How did you let her get so bad?

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,833
0
My relatives of today have even stopped seeing another relative at 91yrs as she has lost it a bit, does t recognise them anymore :mad:
I best drive next week or a wine may tip me into a soap box rant:D
 

Pinkys

Registered User
Nov 13, 2014
157
0
South of England
I so agree with the comments on 'use it or lose it'. Because it is possible to make yourself ill by, for example, smoking, we seem to think it is possible to prevent all illness by adopting a 'healthy lifestyle'. It isn't. And the downside of this attitude is that when we become ill, there is always a slight sense of guilt. Should I have...(fill in latest healthy fad)?
I think we do this to give ourselves some sense that we can control illness and cheat death. Witness the recent announcement that the founder of Facebook (?) is giving loads of money to conquer all diseases! As if we could! Or should.

it is extraordinarily offensive and insulting and ignorant to attach any hint of blame to anyone who is ill, or is caring for someone who is ill.

I would not have kicked the invisible cousin down the hall, tempting though that would have been but I would have insisted on knowing exactly what she would have done differently. And I mean insisted!!
 

Marnie63

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
1,637
0
Hampshire
Dave - I wouldn't entertain such a relative in my presence again! Everything that has been said by those not 'in the know' not understanding any of what we go through is so true. Fortunately mum and I don't have many close, interfering relatives to contend with, but I've had absolutely ridiculous comments from some of her remaining friends/peers (she is 90) - "have you tried giving her some honey - it may help", "is she getting any better?", "it's your fault this happened as you didn't let her mix with her own people" (I did!), "this happened because you moved to where you are" (and then quoted a part of the country over 100 miles away!), and, more recently, her brother from overseas on the phone - "but listen, I'm trying to remind you".

Mostly I'm avoiding speaking to these people as they just wind me up (I certainly don't ever let them speak to mum on the phone). I think conversations with the brother overseas will have to stop as well.

All we can hope is that one day these people may have some understanding of what we've been through. Either way, some of them have annoyed me so much with their insensitivity that I don't ever want to speak to them again. Once mum has gone I will, fortunately, never have to have anything to do with them ever again! Maybe at that point I will really tell them what I think of them. I've been far too polite so far!

The only thing that bothers me a bit is .... and I know this is awful while mum is still alive ... but ... there are certain people I absolutely would not want to come to mum's funeral, when the time comes (because of what they have said). I might just forget to tell them!
 

cragmaid

Registered User
Oct 18, 2010
7,936
0
North East England
Everyone who has posted here is much nicer than me. :confused: I would have given a two word answer:confused:, the second word of which would have been " off" I leave the choice of the first word to you:eek::rolleyes::rolleyes::mad::p
 

Kjn

Registered User
Jul 27, 2013
5,833
0
everyone who has posted here is much nicer than me. :confused: I would have given a two word answer:confused:, the second word of which would have been " off" i leave the choice of the first word to you:eek::rolleyes::rolleyes::mad::p

:d:d:d
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
Dave - I wouldn't entertain such a relative in my presence again! Everything that has been said by those not 'in the know' not understanding any of what we go through is so true. Fortunately mum and I don't have many close, interfering relatives to contend with, but I've had absolutely ridiculous comments from some of her remaining friends/peers (she is 90) - "have you tried giving her some honey - it may help", "is she getting any better?", "it's your fault this happened as you didn't let her mix with her own people" (I did!), "this happened because you moved to where you are" (and then quoted a part of the country over 100 miles away!), and, more recently, her brother from overseas on the phone - "but listen, I'm trying to remind you".

Mostly I'm avoiding speaking to these people as they just wind me up (I certainly don't ever let them speak to mum on the phone). I think conversations with the brother overseas will have to stop as well.

All we can hope is that one day these people may have some understanding of what we've been through. Either way, some of them have annoyed me so much with their insensitivity that I don't ever want to speak to them again. Once mum has gone I will, fortunately, never have to have anything to do with them ever again! Maybe at that point I will really tell them what I think of them. I've been far too polite so far!

The only thing that bothers me a bit is .... and I know this is awful while mum is still alive ... but ... there are certain people I absolutely would not want to come to mum's funeral, when the time comes (because of what they have said). I might just forget to tell them!
Oh how I second that last thought! I can imagine standing there listening to a lot of ignorant and empty words. They didn't just lose the person who' s funeral it is, they lost him when they stopped visiting, when he needed them.
 

Soobee

Registered User
Aug 22, 2009
2,731
0
South
I am gobsmacked by this person's crass stupidity. I am unsure what I would have said but it would not have been polite (or acceptable to Talking Point). These words make me feel livid!

I just don't see how anyone can think that you can stop a progressive disease, let alone think you're somehow responsible for a decline. It sounds like you're doing great.

I am sure this person would not be welcome in your life again.
 

Marnie63

Registered User
Dec 26, 2015
1,637
0
Hampshire
Everyone who has posted here is much nicer than me. :confused: I would have given a two word answer:confused:, the second word of which would have been " off" I leave the choice of the first word to you:eek::rolleyes::rolleyes::mad::p


Cragmaid - I did use the phrase ending in 'off' when we were visited by a complete numpty of a friend. Her obnoxious behaviours over those few days are too numerous to list (though worth mentioning that during the visit she spent two hours giving herself a manicure!!!). I haven't heard from her since, thank goodness, and if she were to think it OK to one day turn up at mum's funeral, I would have no qualms at all about having someone remove her from the premises. In fact, I already have a list in my head of people who would definitely not be welcome and have to think of who I could line up as 'bouncers to remove any unwelcome attendees. Who would have thought that experience of a relative with dementia would lead to events making you think and feel like this. Its surreal!
 

Rageddy Anne

Registered User
Feb 21, 2013
5,984
0
Cotswolds
Cragmaid - I did use the phrase ending in 'off' when we were visited by a complete numpty of a friend. Her obnoxious behaviours over those few days are too numerous to list (though worth mentioning that during the visit she spent two hours giving herself a manicure!!!). I haven't heard from her since, thank goodness, and if she were to think it OK to one day turn up at mum's funeral, I would have no qualms at all about having someone remove her from the premises. In fact, I already have a list in my head of people who would definitely not be welcome and have to think of who I could line up as 'bouncers to remove any unwelcome attendees. Who would have thought that experience of a relative with dementia would lead to events making you think and feel like this. Its surreal!

It isn't just Dementia either. My lovely cousin died of Cancer, and her daughter was so convinced her mum got the Cancer due to an obnoxious colleague who harassed her so much her immune system was compromised.. The woman was actually warned not to attend the funeral.... We would have driven her off if she'd shown her face.
 

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