• All threads and posts regarding Coronavirus COVID-19 can be found in our area specifically for Coronavirus COVID-19 discussion.

    You can directly access this area >here<.

How did you learn to cope with the loss?

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
How do you come to term with the loss of your spouse, not only to dementia, but to permanent care also? MH went into care 4 months ago and I am a basket case on a daily basis. Life has no meaning without MH in it. We were very close and very interdependent upon each other. He was my world and I was his. I know that with advancing age it should come as no surprise that the proverbial is going to hit the fan for either one, but I always thought I would be the one who either died first or had some dramatic illness to deal with. I wish he was closer so I could visit more frequently, but at this stage I have to tolerate the status quo. Although I only live for the days when I can see him, the visits are not necessarily easy as conversation is limited with him and he often gets up and wanders off outside or goes to sleep while I'm there. I could still easily pass before he does, but if he goes first I just don't think I'll be able to carry on. I will have no will to do so although I doubt I'd have the courage to end it all. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,619
0
How do you come to term with the loss of your spouse, not only to dementia, but to permanent care also? MH went into care 4 months ago and I am a basket case on a daily basis. Life has no meaning without MH in it. We were very close and very interdependent upon each other. He was my world and I was his. I know that with advancing age it should come as no surprise that the proverbial is going to hit the fan for either one, but I always thought I would be the one who either died first or had some dramatic illness to deal with. I wish he was closer so I could visit more frequently, but at this stage I have to tolerate the status quo. Although I only live for the days when I can see him, the visits are not necessarily easy as conversation is limited with him and he often gets up and wanders off outside or goes to sleep while I'm there. I could still easily pass before he does, but if he goes first I just don't think I'll be able to carry on. I will have no will to do so although I doubt I'd have the courage to end it all. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.
Oh my dear, all my thoughts and sympathy. I have been through this and my beloved husband is now dead. I have no actual will to carry on but I do. I simply hope to still do a bit of good in life for others although it does not take the pain of grief away. I suppose it lifts for about ten minutes each day. But mornings are bad. I have to appreciate to the full all input from friends and family and hide what an emotional wreck I am. Writing to you helps me to feel connected so I am grateful to you.
With love Kindred
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
Oh my dear, all my thoughts and sympathy. I have been through this and my beloved husband is now dead. I have no actual will to carry on but I do. I simply hope to still do a bit of good in life for others although it does not take the pain of grief away. I suppose it lifts for about ten minutes each day. But mornings are bad. I have to appreciate to the full all input from friends and family and hide what an emotional wreck I am. Writing to you helps me to feel connected so I am grateful to you.
With love Kindred
Thank you @kindred for reaching out. You have no idea (or perhaps you do) how much it means to me to know somebody else understands. Sometimes I think I could put up with MH's behavioural problems just to have him back here with me, but I know I would be doing it for my own selfish needs and that he wouldn't really benefit. He might be happier to be back with me, but his physical needs would go downhill and I fear his dementia would worsen to move him.
 

kindred

Registered User
Apr 8, 2018
2,619
0
Thank you @kindred for reaching out. You have no idea (or perhaps you do) how much it means to me to know somebody else understands. Sometimes I think I could put up with MH's behavioural problems just to have him back here with me, but I know I would be doing it for my own selfish needs and that he wouldn't really benefit. He might be happier to be back with me, but his physical needs would go downhill and I fear his dementia would worsen to move him.
And it means the world to hear from you. Thank you. We will keep in touch. With love, Kindred
 

marionq

Registered User
Apr 24, 2013
6,295
0
Scotland
I looked after my husband at home for seven years before a broken hip finished him off I’m sorry to say. The gradual wearing away of our relationship didn’t ease the loss but it did mean that the life I inevitably live on my own has its merits. At almost 77 I was increasingly feeling the strain of physically supporting another person without any of the emotional or other comforts that come from a good marriage which we had for many years.

I never stopped caring for my husband and my life given all that is happening at the moment is inevitably lonelier but I can’t alter the cycle of life so I accept it and move on.

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength”. Marcus Aurelius.

I’ve always been drawn to Stoicism and the homespun wisdom of Marcus Aurelius in Meditations suits my thinking. Read some of it online and it might help.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,987
0
Kent
We learn to cope with the loss @Pusskins because we must. Either we survive or waste the rest of our lives.

Many people do not have good relationships to look back on and few couples die together. This is the life which is given to us and we sink or swim.

This is what we have been given. It doesn`t make it easy and in these days of the pandemic is it more difficult than ever. It is certainly not our choice but there`s no way out and acceptance has enabled me to settle for what I have.

There is no timescale for grief and I found accepting it and learning to live with it the best way through it.

Allow yourself the sorrow you feel. The hole in your heart and your life will shrink slowly.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
I looked after my husband at home for seven years before a broken hip finished him off I’m sorry to say. The gradual wearing away of our relationship didn’t ease the loss but it did mean that the life I inevitably live on my own has its merits. At almost 77 I was increasingly feeling the strain of physically supporting another person without any of the emotional or other comforts that come from a good marriage which we had for many years.

I never stopped caring for my husband and my life given all that is happening at the moment is inevitably lonelier but I can’t alter the cycle of life so I accept it and move on.

“You have power over your mind - not outside events. Realise this and you will find strength”. Marcus Aurelius.

I’ve always been drawn to Stoicism and the homespun wisdom of Marcus Aurelius in Meditations suits my thinking. Read some of it online and it might help.
Thank you for that @ marionq. I Googled his quotes and will continue to read his wise words.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
We learn to cope with the loss @Pusskins because we must. Either we survive or waste the rest of our lives.

Many people do not have good relationships to look back on and few couples die together. This is the life which is given to us and we sink or swim.

This is what we have been given. It doesn`t make it easy and in these days of the pandemic is it more difficult than ever. It is certainly not our choice but there`s no way out and acceptance has enabled me to settle for what I have.

There is no timescale for grief and I found accepting it and learning to live with it the best way through it.

Allow yourself the sorrow you feel. The hole in your heart and your life will shrink slowly.
Thank you @Grannie G for those wise words. It all helps, as will time, I hope. x
 

DennyD

Registered User
Dec 6, 2016
186
0
Porthcawl, South Wales
How do you come to term with the loss of your spouse, not only to dementia, but to permanent care also? MH went into care 4 months ago and I am a basket case on a daily basis. Life has no meaning without MH in it. We were very close and very interdependent upon each other. He was my world and I was his. I know that with advancing age it should come as no surprise that the proverbial is going to hit the fan for either one, but I always thought I would be the one who either died first or had some dramatic illness to deal with. I wish he was closer so I could visit more frequently, but at this stage I have to tolerate the status quo. Although I only live for the days when I can see him, the visits are not necessarily easy as conversation is limited with him and he often gets up and wanders off outside or goes to sleep while I'm there. I could still easily pass before he does, but if he goes first I just don't think I'll be able to carry on. I will have no will to do so although I doubt I'd have the courage to end it all. Any advice or input would be greatly appreciated.
You've described it so accurately. My husband was admitted just before Christmas and we are now waiting for discharge into residential care. The first few weeks I felt numb, now I sense his presence around me, not only in the house but in whatever I do. Increasingly I have visions of the man he was and want to reach out. He also wanders off during visits and is not able to connect with me. He looks to staff for support, it's painful. GrannieG,s words ring true. I was fortunate to have had such happy times together. That's probably what makes it so hard. It's the road to acceptance - a long one but will get there - that is the way to keep going for me. Maybe silly to some, but I am grateful for my cats who keep me grounded. My thoughts are with you.
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
You've described it so accurately. My husband was admitted just before Christmas and we are now waiting for discharge into residential care. The first few weeks I felt numb, now I sense his presence around me, not only in the house but in whatever I do. Increasingly I have visions of the man he was and want to reach out. He also wanders off during visits and is not able to connect with me. He looks to staff for support, it's painful. GrannieG,s words ring true. I was fortunate to have had such happy times together. That's probably what makes it so hard. It's the road to acceptance - a long one but will get there - that is the way to keep going for me. Maybe silly to some, but I am grateful for my cats who keep me grounded. My thoughts are with you.
Thank you @DennyD . I'm so glad I had the courage to post my message as the responses I've had have been really helpful. We had a very happy marriage and relationship up until a few years ago when I was unwell and MH was also getting dementia. Neither of us realised the other was sick but it was impossible for us to enjoy the same depth of relationship that we had previously. I think that is what upsets me the most now, because I can neither explain it to MH or go back and do things differently. However, I understand that with time (I hope) I will come to accept my situation. x
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
72,987
0
Kent
We had a very happy marriage and relationship up until a few years ago when I was unwell and MH was also getting dementia. Neither of us realised the other was sick but it was impossible for us to enjoy the same depth of relationship that we had previously

Oh this was us in a nutshell.

I was losing my sight with cataracts and had to take early retirement on health grounds.

My husband , as yet undiagnosed, had no understanding and would leave shoes in the middle of the floor for me to trip over and kitchen cupboard doors open for me to crash my head against.

When we shopped together, he saw it as a competition and was pleased with himself when he found an item while I was still looking.

It was such a painful period. I had no idea he was developing dementia even though both parents had it. His was so different.
 

Angtrog

Registered User
Mar 25, 2020
103
0
That is a question I keep asking myself ,how do you learn to cope with the loss? OH is now in a residential care home for 6 weeks its not even the end of week 1 and the feelings I have are over whelming . I keep breaking down the house is so quiet especially after the last few months . I have been sorting out photos to put in an photo album so I can take in when I am allowed. Looking at the photos you can see how much he has deteriorated over the last year. OH is in self isolation for at least another week and there is no guarantee I will be allowed to see him in person on March 8th as I was told that the care home havent decided what to do yet if there were letting one person visit after a covid swab and ppe I will have to settle for half an hour a week in a pod. I havent seen or heard from him since feb 2nd and I am dreading that first visit I dont know if he will recognise me or tell me to go away. He had only been in a day when CH rang to tell me he has had a fall so now I am trying to prepare for the fact that he will never come home. I miss him dreadfully we have never been apart since we were together and even when he was in hospital a few times over the years I have never felt like this. I would give anything to have him home again but I dont think it would be fair for me or OH.
It has been a lovely weekend and my OH loves gardening before he went into hospital he would tell me in his own way we have a lot to do in the garden ( or shall I say I have a lot to do in the garden) So now I shall go into the garden and and plant these pansies that we did together last year.
Nobody can really understand how I am feeling apart from the TP forum. I shall too be reading some of Marcus Aurelius online to try and help me.
Take care everyone
 

Peace lily

Registered User
Jan 30, 2020
62
0
My dad went straight from hospital into a care home for a six week assessment, It's been such a difficult transition for us. My mum is beside herself, like her world has stopped turning. I feel as if we are grieving. I suppose we are grieving for a part of our life that we have lost. I imaging my dad sitting in his chair. He is everywhere in their house. It's painful. I feel so anxious and just want my dad back home, but this isn't going to happen. My mum isn't eating properly as says that there's no point just cooking for one. She says she's lonely and doesn't know what to do with herself. She has had all the family photos out and going through all his belongings. The manager of the home where my dad is said to that he has really settled in well and seems to be enjoying communal living. He enjoys the company of two male residents. That's a blessing I suppose, but I still long to see my dad at home with my mum. I don't know think that we were prepared on just how difficult it would be. Now I worry about how my mum is doing living by herself and how my dad is doing in the care home?
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
Oh this was us in a nutshell.

I was losing my sight with cataracts and had to take early retirement on health grounds.

My husband , as yet undiagnosed, had no understanding and would leave shoes in the middle of the floor for me to trip over and kitchen cupboard doors open for me to crash my head against.

When we shopped together, he saw it as a competition and was pleased with himself when he found an item while I was still looking.

It was such a painful period. I had no idea he was developing dementia even though both parents had it. His was so different.
I understand completely, Grannie G. Painful memories seem to be par for the course. xx
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
That is a question I keep asking myself ,how do you learn to cope with the loss? OH is now in a residential care home for 6 weeks its not even the end of week 1 and the feelings I have are over whelming . I keep breaking down the house is so quiet especially after the last few months . I have been sorting out photos to put in an photo album so I can take in when I am allowed. Looking at the photos you can see how much he has deteriorated over the last year. OH is in self isolation for at least another week and there is no guarantee I will be allowed to see him in person on March 8th as I was told that the care home havent decided what to do yet if there were letting one person visit after a covid swab and ppe I will have to settle for half an hour a week in a pod. I havent seen or heard from him since feb 2nd and I am dreading that first visit I dont know if he will recognise me or tell me to go away. He had only been in a day when CH rang to tell me he has had a fall so now I am trying to prepare for the fact that he will never come home. I miss him dreadfully we have never been apart since we were together and even when he was in hospital a few times over the years I have never felt like this. I would give anything to have him home again but I dont think it would be fair for me or OH.
It has been a lovely weekend and my OH loves gardening before he went into hospital he would tell me in his own way we have a lot to do in the garden ( or shall I say I have a lot to do in the garden) So now I shall go into the garden and and plant these pansies that we did together last year.
Nobody can really understand how I am feeling apart from the TP forum. I shall too be reading some of Marcus Aurelius online to try and help me.
Take care everyone
Yes, @Angtrog , the overwhelming grief and the loneliness are hard to bear. There seems to be no way out. Perhaps time will help. On the very rare occasion, I am glad it's me suffering like this and not MH, because if the boot had been on the other foot, I feel sure he'd have had an immediate nervous breakdown with the strain and loss.

Stay strong. xx
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
My dad went straight from hospital into a care home for a six week assessment, It's been such a difficult transition for us. My mum is beside herself, like her world has stopped turning. I feel as if we are grieving. I suppose we are grieving for a part of our life that we have lost. I imaging my dad sitting in his chair. He is everywhere in their house. It's painful. I feel so anxious and just want my dad back home, but this isn't going to happen. My mum isn't eating properly as says that there's no point just cooking for one. She says she's lonely and doesn't know what to do with herself. She has had all the family photos out and going through all his belongings. The manager of the home where my dad is said to that he has really settled in well and seems to be enjoying communal living. He enjoys the company of two male residents. That's a blessing I suppose, but I still long to see my dad at home with my mum. I don't know think that we were prepared on just how difficult it would be. Now I worry about how my mum is doing living by herself and how my dad is doing in the care home?
I understand how you and your mum feel, except with me, I am eating more than I should and rubbish foods in an attempt to comfort myself. Life seems so unfair at times. xx
 

blackmortimer

Registered User
Jan 2, 2021
93
0
I understand how you and your mum feel, except with me, I am eating more than I should and rubbish foods in an attempt to comfort myself. Life seems so unfair at times. xx
I know exactly how you feel. When my wife with LBD first went into hospital (she is now in a nursing home sadly permanently) I tended to comfort eat. I don't smoke or drink but I am a chocaholic and was inclined to over indulge simply to comfort myself when the gnawing pain of loss and grieving overwhelmed me.

I had a wake up call when as a result of a routine blood test for something else I discovered I was diabetic - only just, not needing medication thankfully, but enough to be a warning to do something about it. So I took the advice about diet, increased the amount of my exercise and hopefully have stemmed the tide. Thankfully we have a dog who insists on "walkies" so I have to go out - which is good mentally as well as physically, at least for me.

Believe me, I know the sheer emptiness, beyond sadness, that you feel when someone who's always been there and round whom your life has revolved for as long as you can remember,, particularly in the last few years of intensive caring, is suddenly no longer there. All I can say is that you have to accept what you can't change. It sounds trite when you see it written down bur I've found that it's true. But what is also true is that by posting on a forum such as this you can learn to live it by knowing that you're not alone, that there are people out there who know what it's like and have suffered even more than you have and whose advice and experience is worth listening to. It has helped me more than I can say.

So, look after yourself, junk the junk food ,get stuck into Marcus Aurelius and remember that your loved one is still there , better looked after in care than ever you could have done alone , talk to him as though he were sitting in his chair, tell him what you feel, what you're doing and as the mystic Mother Julian said:-

"All shall be well
and all manner of thing shall be well"

God bless
 

Bezzy1946

Registered User
Jul 18, 2017
53
0
74
Watford
I still love to come on to this forum and can relate to so much that is written. When my lovely husband went into care last February I cried all the time and felt so lonely and felt so guilty that he wasn’t at home with me. Then came COVID and we saw him so few times last year but I felt happier as he was being cared for which I couldn’t do any longer. Unfortunately my sweetheart died on 5 January this year. Nothing to do with dementia but sepsis. I have felt denial, anger, so sad and crying all the time but I am trying to get on with life as I know he would be angry with me if I wasted whatever time I have left he would be giving me a good talking to. I have very supportive children but it’s when I am on my own. Love and best wishes to all of you xx
 

Pusskins

Registered User
Jun 6, 2020
215
0
New Zealand
I still love to come on to this forum and can relate to so much that is written. When my lovely husband went into care last February I cried all the time and felt so lonely and felt so guilty that he wasn’t at home with me. Then came COVID and we saw him so few times last year but I felt happier as he was being cared for which I couldn’t do any longer. Unfortunately my sweetheart died on 5 January this year. Nothing to do with dementia but sepsis. I have felt denial, anger, so sad and crying all the time but I am trying to get on with life as I know he would be angry with me if I wasted whatever time I have left he would be giving me a good talking to. I have very supportive children but it’s when I am on my own. Love and best wishes to all of you xx
@Bezzy1946 I'm so sorry for your loss. It's a really hard road with your spouse having dementia as you grieve when you lose them to a care home and then grieve again when they die. MH would be telling me now not to let it overwhelm me, but that's easier said than done I find. ❤️