How can I answer my mother when she insists on going home?

[Jane Vanessa]

My mother has been in her current care home (the fifth one!) for over 18 months now and cannot seem to settle. She did have very challenging behaviour but with support from a psychotherapist, excellent care home staff and new medication that has calmed in that she's not throwing tv's on the floor and her lunch all over the place etc. However, she continues to say she hates it there, it is the worst place she has ever been and I that I have to get her out of there. Both the psychotherapist and I know she is in the best place and the social workers agree. She also has a DOLS against her for another 11 months and at the moment is under the Court of Protection due to her constant wish to be returned home. The hearings start this month.
She has deteriorated so much she struggles to speak, certainly cannot comprehend much and is now unable to walk more than a few paces - on a good day. But she can speak enough to say she has to go home
However, in the meantime I am at a loss as to what to say to her when she tells me she cannot bear it any longer and that I have to get her out of there etc etc. The care home have advised not to tell her she has dementia. She often asks me what is wrong with her and believes that it is the care home not looking after her properly that has caused her situation. I have tried to reassure her that they have her best interests at heart and that she's in the best place also that is 93 and unwell and so needs to be cared for by several carers which would not be practical at home. But that doesn't help at all. She just gets angry. (She would also fall out with any carer within 24 hours. At the care home they use a retreat and return approach.)

She's constantly angry with the staff and frustrated with me as I won't do what she asks me to do. I just don't know how to handle it any longer.

 

[Sarasa]

Hi @Jane Vanessa , I doubt that anyone would agree that your mother should go home. I think she probably imagines that if she did ‘go home’ she’d be fine as she thinks where she is is the problem not herself.
Can you tell your mother that rather than having dementia she has memory problems? My mum was forever going to the GP with new health problems. I think she knew something was wrong but didn’t recognise it was her brain rather than something physical. The GP told her, that just as her joints were wearing out, so was her brain. I’m not sure she understood but I thought it was a good way of explaining it.
If visiting your mum isn’t helping either your or her, maybe not visit for a while. You know she’s safe.

 

[Jessbow]

Blame the Dr.

I'll take you home when the Dr says I can

You know that day is never going to come.

 

[Jane Vanessa]

Thank you Jessbow for your help. I have actually tried this one but in spite of the fact that she has seen two nhs doctors at the care home over her time there, she has no faith in them and says they are not proper doctors. So I got a private doctor to come and visit her and my mother told me she was no good! I will have another go this afternoon when I go in just in case it works this time - who knows!

 

[canary]

Hello @Jane Vanessa

I think that where ever your mum is, whatever you do or say, your mum is not going to be happy because she is unable to even comprehend that she herself is the problem. It will always be where she is living or other peoples fault that she is like she is, because in her own mind there is nothing wrong with her. So, to her, if only she went home she will escape all the confusion and everything will be back the way it used to be. She does not realise that she will simply take it all with her.

I dont honestly think that there is anything that you can say to pacify her. Reasoning wont work, trying to explain wont work and it doesnt sound like "love lies" are working either. You may have to resort to "Im sorry you feel like that" and walk away when it all gets too much. I wondered whether it would be better to cut down on your visits too
xx

 

[Collywobbles]

Unfortunately, “home” actually means “somewhere I used to feel safe and not confused”. It’s not really an actual place, more like a time in her life. “Home” is just a way of expressing that.

When my Mum was in hospital she was the same, and all I could do with her alternately furious then pleading demands to come home, was to reply that the doctors had the final say so we just had to wait for them. It honestly didn’t help Mum or the situation, but more than anything, it gave me something to say. I knew that if we’d packed her bags and taken her home then and there, she wouldn’t have wanted to be there, either.

All the best to you.

 

[Jane Vanessa]

Hello @Jane Vanessa

I think that where ever your mum is, whatever you do or say, your mum is not going to be happy because she is unable to even comprehend that she herself is the problem. It will always be where she is living or other peoples fault that she is like she is, because in her own mind there is nothing wrong with her. So, to her, if only she went home she will escape all the confusion and everything will be back the way it used to be. She does not realise that she will simply take it all with her.

I dont honestly think that there is anything that you can say to pacify her. Reasoning wont work, trying to explain wont work and it doesnt sound like "love lies" are working either. You may have to resort to "Im sorry you feel like that" and walk away when it all gets too much. I wondered whether it would be better to cut down on your visits too
xx

Thank you so much for your comments I found them very wise and comforting. You are so right everything is everyone else's fault and if she could escape all would be well. I think perhaps I will try again to cut down my visits a bit as all I seem to do is make her more cross as I'm not doing what she is telling me I have to do! xx

 

[Jane Vanessa]

Unfortunately, “home” actually means “somewhere I used to feel safe and not confused”. It’s not really an actual place, more like a time in her life. “Home” is just a way of expressing that.

When my Mum was in hospital she was the same, and all I could do with her alternately furious then pleading demands to come home, was to reply that the doctors had the final say so we just had to wait for them. It honestly didn’t help Mum or the situation, but more than anything, it gave me something to say. I knew that if we’d packed her bags and taken her home then and there, she wouldn’t have wanted to be there, either.

All the best to you.

I think you are so right, in my heart of hearts I know that if I take her back home that won't be right either as it won't make her problems go away, in fact it will give her more problems as she won't have so many carers to play against each other so she will fall out with them within hours. Plus she will still be unable to walk, or speak like she used to. Thank you for your good wishes and support.