Hostess Mode

[Batsue]

Does anyone have a good description of hostess mode that I could print out to show someone.

Today mum has been asking over and over when we are leaving to go home and has been going through her wardrobe and drawers most of the day. This evening during a telephone conversation with a relative home was mentioned and she plainly said that she was at home which makes me look like I'm exaggerating. Mum often does this when talking to other people which makes her seen much better than she actually is for a short time.

 

[Lindy50]

I'm sorry, reedysue, I don't have a document about this. I can confirm, though, that my mum would say quite similar things until recently. She was able to 'say the right thing', ie say what she seemed to know was expected of her, to such an extent that, as you say, some people did I'm sure believe that she had more capacity than she did. It's very frustrating, isn't it, sometimes? I hope someone comes up with a proper account for you.
Lindy x

 

[Rosettastone57]

Does anyone have a good description of hostess mode that I could print out to show someone.

Today mum has been asking over and over when we are leaving to go home and has been going through her wardrobe and drawers most of the day. This evening during a telephone conversation with a relative home was mentioned and she plainly said that she was at home which makes me look like I'm exaggerating. Mum often does this when talking to other people which makes her seen much better than she actually is for a short time.

This is my personal definition based on my MIL who has tried to control her abusive behaviour for years way before dementia took over:

The ability to put on a public face. Being able to put efforts into appearing normal, so they don't appear to be any different to those with whom, for a short time they want to interact with. The inability to maintain this mask for long periods before becoming tired and then showing their true colours.

 

[Kikki21]

Hostess mode is the ability of appearing normal & saying relatively normal things in a normal conversation albeit for a short period of time. It is like a mask appears over the PWD & they can switch between this fake persona & who they are.
My mum has an awesome hostess mode but if you try & speak with her beyond 15 minutes then you will start to realise that she doesn’t understand you & that the conversation goes round & round & you don’t get anywhere.

 

[canary]

My own definition:
The ability (probably sub-conscious) to be able to suppress the symptoms of dementia for short periods of time when social occasions demand it. Usually this is in the presence of authority figures, medical staff and relatives who they do not see often. It takes a great deal of mental effort, can only be maintained for short periods of time (which gets less as the dementia progresses) and leaves them exhausted afterwards.

 

[Lindy50]

My own definition:
The ability (probably sub-conscious) to be able to suppress the symptoms of dementia for short periods of time when social occasions demand it. Usually this is in the presence of authority figures, medical staff and relatives who they do not see often. It takes a great deal of mental effort, can only be maintained for short periods of time (which gets less as the dementia progresses) and leaves them exhausted afterwards.

Brilliant definition canary! My mum to a T until the last year or so.....sadly she simply can't put on a front any more.

 

[850 norton]

That is 3 very good descrptions of hostess mode & as Lindy says it is quite simply an ability to; "say the right thing". I have asked this before, is there a medical definition of "hostess mode"? Because if there isn't......this tells me the medical profession aren't studying dementia thoroughly enough

 

[Batsue]

Many thanks everyone, I think you have all answered my question, there does not appear to be any official medical definition.
I understand what hostess mode is as I have seen it in mum for the last 4 years, what I was hoping for was a sheet I could print off, there appears to be one available for every other aspect of Alzheimer's.

 

[Kaylar2020]

My own definition:
The ability (probably sub-conscious) to be able to suppress the symptoms of dementia for short periods of time when social occasions demand it. Usually this is in the presence of authority figures, medical staff and relatives who they do not see often. It takes a great deal of mental effort, can only be maintained for short periods of time (which gets less as the dementia progresses) and leaves them exhausted afterwards.

 

[Kaylar2020]

@canary so that’s what you call Host mode ? It drives me insane my Mom is perfect at mastering this at the moment and making me look like some little nobody who knows nothing and it’s so frustrating when medical professionals, family, friends etc say she does not look like she got Dementia or sound like it. I thought I was being played for a while. It’s so difficult because Mom tells quite a few lies too before diagnosis of dementia.
I’m just so out of my depth with no other sibling support all on my shoulders

 

[nae sporran]

Welcome to DTP @Kaylar2020. You are not the only one feeling a bit out of your depth here, and to have no family support makes it so much harder.

 

[Kaylar2020]

Mom has care in which we pay for. But my only sibling has not seen mom for 3 months now and only telephones her. We are not speaking or communicating only when it’s urgent for mom. I am finding it very difficult to deal with on my own

 

[canary]

Hi @Kaylar2020 , it is always confusing when you first have to deal with dementia. If your sister is only phoning, then your mum is undoubtedly in hostess mode during that time and your sister wont see the problem.

I remember when my brother, who never visited mum (such relatives are known as "invisibles" on this forum) went to see her when she first moved into her care home. He said that she seemed perfectly normal and he couldnt understand why she was "in that place". Mum had told me that "two men" had visited and I guessed that one of them was my brother but I asked him who the other one was - was it one of his sons? He paused and then said that it was his wife and he was quite upset that mum thought she was a man. I had to explain that mum could not remember who they were. I think it was a harsh dash of reality to him.

Anyone who has cared for someone with dementia recognises the phenomenon of host/hostess mode, but I dont think that I have ever seen it documented anywhere and doctors do not seem to recognise it.

 

[Kaylar2020]

Strange you say that I had to take my Mom to A an E the other day and the Dr recorded Mom was alert and could use full sentences but she could not remember why she was at the hospital. I’m so fed up of people saying she looks fine to me

 

[canary]

I’m so fed up of people saying she looks fine to me

Oh, the Eyeball test!
I hate it too - its not very reliable, although many people seem to use it.