Hostess Mode

Batsue

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
4,893
0
Scotland
Does anyone have a good description of hostess mode that I could print out to show someone.

Today mum has been asking over and over when we are leaving to go home and has been going through her wardrobe and drawers most of the day. This evening during a telephone conversation with a relative home was mentioned and she plainly said that she was at home which makes me look like I'm exaggerating. Mum often does this when talking to other people which makes her seen much better than she actually is for a short time.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
I'm sorry, reedysue, I don't have a document about this. I can confirm, though, that my mum would say quite similar things until recently. She was able to 'say the right thing', ie say what she seemed to know was expected of her, to such an extent that, as you say, some people did I'm sure believe that she had more capacity than she did. It's very frustrating, isn't it, sometimes? I hope someone comes up with a proper account for you.
Lindy x
 

Rosettastone57

Registered User
Oct 27, 2016
1,839
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Does anyone have a good description of hostess mode that I could print out to show someone.

Today mum has been asking over and over when we are leaving to go home and has been going through her wardrobe and drawers most of the day. This evening during a telephone conversation with a relative home was mentioned and she plainly said that she was at home which makes me look like I'm exaggerating. Mum often does this when talking to other people which makes her seen much better than she actually is for a short time.

This is my personal definition based on my MIL who has tried to control her abusive behaviour for years way before dementia took over:

The ability to put on a public face. Being able to put efforts into appearing normal, so they don't appear to be any different to those with whom, for a short time they want to interact with. The inability to maintain this mask for long periods before becoming tired and then showing their true colours.
 

Kikki21

Registered User
Feb 27, 2016
2,270
0
East Midlands
Hostess mode is the ability of appearing normal & saying relatively normal things in a normal conversation albeit for a short period of time. It is like a mask appears over the PWD & they can switch between this fake persona & who they are.
My mum has an awesome hostess mode but if you try & speak with her beyond 15 minutes then you will start to realise that she doesn’t understand you & that the conversation goes round & round & you don’t get anywhere.
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
My own definition:
The ability (probably sub-conscious) to be able to suppress the symptoms of dementia for short periods of time when social occasions demand it. Usually this is in the presence of authority figures, medical staff and relatives who they do not see often. It takes a great deal of mental effort, can only be maintained for short periods of time (which gets less as the dementia progresses) and leaves them exhausted afterwards.
 

Lindy50

Registered User
Dec 11, 2013
5,242
0
Cotswolds
My own definition:
The ability (probably sub-conscious) to be able to suppress the symptoms of dementia for short periods of time when social occasions demand it. Usually this is in the presence of authority figures, medical staff and relatives who they do not see often. It takes a great deal of mental effort, can only be maintained for short periods of time (which gets less as the dementia progresses) and leaves them exhausted afterwards.

Brilliant definition canary! My mum to a T until the last year or so.....sadly she simply can't put on a front any more.
 

850 norton

New member
Dec 1, 2017
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That is 3 very good descrptions of hostess mode & as Lindy says it is quite simply an ability to; "say the right thing". I have asked this before, is there a medical definition of "hostess mode"? Because if there isn't......this tells me the medical profession aren't studying dementia thoroughly enough
 

Batsue

Registered User
Nov 4, 2014
4,893
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Scotland
Many thanks everyone, I think you have all answered my question, there does not appear to be any official medical definition.
I understand what hostess mode is as I have seen it in mum for the last 4 years, what I was hoping for was a sheet I could print off, there appears to be one available for every other aspect of Alzheimer's.
 

Kaylar2020

Registered User
Nov 23, 2020
13
0
My own definition:
The ability (probably sub-conscious) to be able to suppress the symptoms of dementia for short periods of time when social occasions demand it. Usually this is in the presence of authority figures, medical staff and relatives who they do not see often. It takes a great deal of mental effort, can only be maintained for short periods of time (which gets less as the dementia progresses) and leaves them exhausted afterwards.
 

Kaylar2020

Registered User
Nov 23, 2020
13
0
@canary so that’s what you call Host mode ? It drives me insane my Mom is perfect at mastering this at the moment and making me look like some little nobody who knows nothing and it’s so frustrating when medical professionals, family, friends etc say she does not look like she got Dementia or sound like it. I thought I was being played for a while. It’s so difficult because Mom tells quite a few lies too before diagnosis of dementia.
I’m just so out of my depth with no other sibling support all on my shoulders
 

Kaylar2020

Registered User
Nov 23, 2020
13
0
Mom has care in which we pay for. But my only sibling has not seen mom for 3 months now and only telephones her. We are not speaking or communicating only when it’s urgent for mom. I am finding it very difficult to deal with on my own
 

canary

Registered User
Feb 25, 2014
25,018
0
South coast
Hi @Kaylar2020 , it is always confusing when you first have to deal with dementia. If your sister is only phoning, then your mum is undoubtedly in hostess mode during that time and your sister wont see the problem.

I remember when my brother, who never visited mum (such relatives are known as "invisibles" on this forum) went to see her when she first moved into her care home. He said that she seemed perfectly normal and he couldnt understand why she was "in that place". Mum had told me that "two men" had visited and I guessed that one of them was my brother but I asked him who the other one was - was it one of his sons? He paused and then said that it was his wife and he was quite upset that mum thought she was a man. I had to explain that mum could not remember who they were. I think it was a harsh dash of reality to him.

Anyone who has cared for someone with dementia recognises the phenomenon of host/hostess mode, but I dont think that I have ever seen it documented anywhere and doctors do not seem to recognise it.
 

Kaylar2020

Registered User
Nov 23, 2020
13
0
Strange you say that I had to take my Mom to A an E the other day and the Dr recorded Mom was alert and could use full sentences but she could not remember why she was at the hospital. I’m so fed up of people saying she looks fine to me
 

JanBWiltshire

Registered User
Jun 23, 2020
217
0
Gloucestershire
Hostess mode…..can I please nominate my mother for the Gold Medal with knobs on for exemplary performance?

It has caused so many problems. Each time my father called because she was having a meltdown then I would try to help but by the time we had a doctor there, she had pulled herself together.

I actually recorded her on my phone as the only way to prove this supposedly sweet old lady was anything but.…..I don’t feel guilty about it as I was just sick to death of the duplicity.

She isn’t now so capable of doing it and is totally confused but I am very much hoping her hostess mode days are done.
 

CAL Y

Registered User
Jul 17, 2021
632
0
Host mode was a great excuse for my husbands daughters . They hardly saw him, in the last 6 months . They said that when he spoke on the phone he always said he was fine. They chose to ignore that fact that he couldn’t string a sentence together.
These women live 10 miles away.
My sister and brother in law live 300 miles away and have been here every 3 weeks and stayed for a week each time giving me invaluable help.
Im now the wicked stepmother for not asking them to visit.
Speechless.!
 

End of my tether!

New member
Jun 11, 2021
9
0
I found this description of hostess mode (or showtime as described in this article) and actually printed it out for my mum's social worker who clearly had no idea that this was even a thing. The article comes from a publication called Coping Today, possibly American, hence the term "showtime" I hope you find it useful.

"What does “Showtime” mean?​

This is probably a term that you are not familiar with but have seen it happen, especially in the early stages of Alzheimer’s or dementia, there is a surprising phenomenon that we caregivers have seen many times, and it is referred to as “Show Time.” When people with dementia are still cognitive enough to realize there is a problem, they often have the ability to put on a convincing façade of normalcy for a short period of time, say ten or 15 minutes. It is an ability that can be quite exasperating for the caregiver.
For example, you’ve been struggling with behaviors all day, especially with trying to get your loved one with dementia to get ready to see the doctor. It is always like this. He won’t acknowledge your requests or instructions. He can’t dress himself. He fiddles around while you are trying to get him to focus. It is almost as if he is deliberately trying to be late. Maybe so.
Then, you finally get in to see the doctor. You are absolutely frazzled, and you are sure that this time the doctor is finally going to understand how much your loved one has declined. But what does your loved one do? He’s smiling, bright, chatty, utterly convincing that everything is just fine. You leave the doctor’s office feeling angry and defeated. The doctor surely thinks you are the one with a problem. You’ve just experienced “Show Time!”
As long as people with dementia have the ability to “pull it together,” this behavior is understandable. They know something is wrong, and the last thing they want is for people outside the family to realize it. They are embarrassed or ashamed of their condition, so they put on a happy face. As long as it does not require logic or complex thinking, it is possible to carry on small talk and answer the doctor’s simple questions. “How do you feel?” “Fine.” “Have you been sleeping?” “Yes.” And they keep smiling.
“Show Time” can cause serious problems in families. Usually, based on living circumstances, one sibling will be in proximity to the parent with dementia and take on the task of providing care. Other siblings may be more than willing to help, but they live miles away. They may check in with you by phone, and they hear you describe all of the problems you are having.
Then the parent gets on the phone for a few minutes, and it is show time again. Your brothers and sisters can’t fathom what you are complaining about. Everything sounds fine to them. This can lead to serious disagreements about money, care practices, and family responsibilities. It’s a serious problem."
 

MartinWL

Registered User
Jun 12, 2020
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67
London
Many thanks everyone, I think you have all answered my question, there does not appear to be any official medical definition.
I understand what hostess mode is as I have seen it in mum for the last 4 years, what I was hoping for was a sheet I could print off, there appears to be one available for every other aspect of Alzheimer's.
That is something the AS could do, it might well be useful to a lot of carers. There are plenty of stories of professionals not understanding that what a person says in a short meeting may not be the true picture. For example my dad told a nurse he walks a mile each day, but he could not walk a mile and goes for a shorter walk now and again. But she wrote that on her notes.
 

JanBWiltshire

Registered User
Jun 23, 2020
217
0
Gloucestershire
That is something the AS could do, it might well be useful to a lot of carers. There are plenty of stories of professionals not understanding that what a person says in a short meeting may not be the true picture. For example my dad told a nurse he walks a mile each day, but he could not walk a mile and goes for a shorter walk now and again. But she wrote that on her notes.
I do agree.…the problem I have is that both my parents can seem perfectly rational. Even to the point my mother seems to think my father can go and collect her from hospital, never mind the fact they haven’t had a car for two years and he can’t walk more than a few paces! One of the saddest aspects is I’m continually seeing their ineptitude but in their own minds they think they are just as they were.