Hoping for mother to be assessed as needing to be in a care home?

[Muttimuggle]

I’ve been astonished by my mums swift physical decline, which I put down to the long hospital stay. Yes they were trying to get her up and walking but everything else was brought to her. She has declined even more in the home (only 9 nights!) and now only leaves her chair when going for a shower, she refuses her bed at night. ?

That must feel very sad for you. Do you think t is a sort of giving up. I wonder about my mother and how she will be when in a care home.

 

[Muttimuggle]

From what you describe, it doesn't sound as though your mum is particularly difficult! (You may think differently...!)

Most homes can cope with all the things you mention, as long as they know that's how it will be. But help with mobility and showering is pretty much par for the course. Ditto incontinence - I don't know if she is...

The sort of things they struggle with are: unpredictable behaviour, maybe violent or aggressive, particularly if the person is likely to bother the other residents. Resistance to personal care. Again, violence of any sort obviously makes personal care very difficult. Other factors might be considerable nursing needs though it doesn't sound like that's an issue. (Not all homes have a nurse present. A place that calls itself a nursing home does - they will have a nurse on the premises 24/7.)

Other things to ask might be funding. Ask the home what would happen once your mum runs out of money. Some places will accept the LA rate (much less than most self-funders pay) if a person has been resident in the home for a couple of years +, paying the full whack. Others won't. Once SS start contributing to her funding, they will dictate (pretty much) where she stays and they may want to move her to a cheaper place that will accept their rate. But that's in the future, and who knows what the future holds...?

Hope that helps a bit!

Yes it does - and yes my mum is fairly easy in the respect of not showing a difficult nature(Who knows what changes though? ) She does have a number of medical needs which the NHS is aware of and are being kept as manageable as possible with the intervention of drugs...and she has always been very willing to accept medical intervention. The thing about them potentially wanting to move her out of an expensive one is a worry. She might have enough to see through a year, or maybe 2. I need more assistance really from my sister in law(who is married to my brother(!). Working on it !- first by telling my mother on the phone that she must tell my brother when he makes one of his rare visits to her today, tell him what her wishes are, that she does not want to go home and that I am researching care homes and that I'd like a bit of help to choose the most suitable one. I am am not aware that she has even broached the subject with him. It is her tendency not to say the things which might disappoint the other person.I'll have to see what happens next!

 

[Jaded'n'faded]

Yes it does - and yes my mum is fairly easy in the respect of not showing a difficult nature(Who knows what changes though? ) She does have a number of medical needs which the NHS is aware of and are being kept as manageable as possible with the intervention of drugs...and she has always been very willing to accept medical intervention. The thing about them potentially wanting to move her out of an expensive one is a worry. She might have enough to see through a year, or maybe 2. I need more assistance really from my sister in law(who is married to my brother(!). Working on it !- first by telling my mother on the phone that she must tell my brother when he makes one of his rare visits to her today, tell him what her wishes are, that she does not want to go home and that I am researching care homes and that I'd like a bit of help to choose the most suitable one. I am am not aware that she has even broached the subject with him. It is her tendency not to say the things which might disappoint the other person.I'll have to see what happens next!

I really wouldn't get your brother or his wife involved! He's shown his true colours many times and you really don't need his input for this. Trust your own judgement because you are right and also because you know far more than he does. What does he know about care homes and the way SS funding works?

If you feel you really must involve him, I'd just drop him an email saying what you are doing and that if he wants to have some input into which home your mum moves to, he'll need to research care homes himself and come up with alternative suitable suggestions with vacancies.

 

[Muttimuggle]

I really wouldn't get your brother or his wife involved! He's shown his true colours many times and you really don't need his input for this. Trust your own judgement because you are right and also because you know far more than he does. What does he know about care homes and the way SS funding works?

If you feel you really must involve him, I'd just drop him an email saying what you are doing and that if he wants to have some input into which home your mum moves to, he'll need to research care homes himself and come up with alternative suitable suggestions with vacancies.

Thing is Jaded'n'faded - My mother has an ISA and some savings and a current account and other stuff which my husband and I are finding hard to decipher...such as whether or not she can draw stuff out easily. My sister in law was fairly high up in a bank before she retired so she was responsible for many of these investments. If I don't get advice from them, the only way, without current POA( In pipeline - waiting on Office of the Public Guardian) I may soon, or in the near future, have to take my mother, + wheelchair maybe..and worsening dementia to bank(s) to decipher. I was wanting him involved really only to help with these funds- the understanding of them, and if I thought that maybe if my mother said to him that I'd like some help in choosing the right care home for her it would be an opening to discuss the funds she has available and , in (maybe) getting his approval on a care home out of a few I have narrowed it down to he might feel consulted and less angry. (maybe??) I could not envisage taking him with me to see any(ha ha - noooooo!) but if for example, he agreed that the expensive one with the friend in whom she knew(which I will not see until tomorrow) is the best this would open the need for his involvement with the money - and the daunting task of selling her house which is in much need of repair. He and his wife also knew this friend from their younger days so he might(might not??!!) like this. It is a gamble. I just need him/them to do enough to help and I will do the rest.What do you think? And yes - I am risking a nasty hurtful comment....but I'll probably get one anyway. xx