Hello we have just put mum into a home recently, which I have found difficult and upsetting, along with all the guilt that goes with it.i feel we could do better for mum, but my sisters are worried about these top up fees when mum's money runs out.Im not sure if it's a good place or not but dread going as it's very sad and depressing, my mum is ok but not really happy there.
I take it that you want to find a "nicer" home for your mum, by which Im guessing that you mean one that looks like a hotel with more upmarket decor and furnishings and perhaps has facilities like a bar, cinema and bistro? These sort of homes are invariably more expensive, but are not always (often?) suitable for people with dementia. Many of the managers put the money into superficial things that will appeal to the "discerning relative" (but will not necessarily benefit the resident with dementia) and skimp on the carers budget. Consequently, although it is fine for the residents who are elderly and perhaps frail, there is not the number of carers, and they are not usually sufficiently trained or experienced enough to support residents with dementia past the initial, easy stages. These sort of homes, even though they say they accept people with dementia, cannot meet the needs of those whose dementia is more advanced, so there will come a time when they will ask that resident to leave. Im not saying that they are all like this, but an awful lot of them are.
When you are looking at care homes, you have to look beyond the decor, bells and whistles and look at the actual care provided. How many staff are there around? How do they interact with the residents? Are there times when the residents are left unsupervised? What happens at night? What behaviour will they
not tolerate - and often the behaviour that they wont tolerate is normal dementia behaviour! Talk to the manager, be brutally honest about your mums behaviour and ask them how they would deal with it - woolly answers probably mean that they have little experience. My mum was in a dementia care home that looked a bit shabby and old fashioned, but the care was wonderful and they looked after her right up to the end.