Home alone

[jan.s]

Thank you Haylett. Yes, it has been a struggle, but I also know that it was the only way we would both be able to cope with his illness.

You are spot on when you say that I can only hope that the atmosphere at the home is an extension of our home life.

I am feeling far more positive this morning and looking forward to going to see him today, hoping that he is fairly settled.

Thank you for your support.
Jan x

 

[piedwarbler]

That's good to hear Jan. Go gently on yourself,

Love ,

Pied xx

 

[Padraig]

Jan, I think I know how you feel as I've been there. For almost a year my wife was in a NH while I was in the process of selling our house to downsize.

I can say that was the very worst period of our journey. It was a time full of stress, frustration, anger and many sleepless nights. Though I visited every day and spent 8 to 9 hours with her I felt lost. In my case, I was very fortunate in removing her to care for her on my own till the end.

It will be five years in Dec since she passed and though I live alone she is always with me. So I understand what you say. When she entered my life we became one. She enriched my whole life and the saying; better to have such a love, than never to have loved at all, says sums it up. I see her in the faces of our son and daughter, our 9 grandchildren and yesterday a new great-grand son bringing a total of 9 great-grandchildren. Now I count my blessings. Hope this is of help.
Note: I never refer to my children as many do, they will always be OURS.

 

[Butter]

Jan -

I am so very sorry. I so hope your visit today went gently and peacefully.

I know that my father now finds my mother's carehome is an extension of their home that he still lives in. Whenever I visit my mother I can tell my father has just been or is about to come again.

I wish you courage as you begin to adjust to this over-whelming change

Butter

 

[tre]

Dear Jan,
I hope your husband was OK in the CH. My husband is 72 and I tend to think of him as young to have this illness and then I see what you are having to face with your husband only 62.
I had been my husband's sole carer until October 2011 when he went to his first day care session. I cried my eyes out on the way out when I first left him. It seemed like the beginning of another phase. Now here you are in the next phase. I understand completely how it feels different from the hospital, because you can sort of fool yourself that he might come home from hospital. It is the finality of facing up to the CH that makes it difficult.
My husband is like yours, a loving gentle man as far as is possible at this stage and I am sure we are both very grateful for that. I know the white lies or sidestepping the truth is neccessary on occasion to avoid distress so like you I do it but you hit the nail totally on the head by describing how uncomfortable this feels in a relationship where there has been nothing but honesty.
I am not a religious person but my aunt used to say she prayed for the strength to change what could be changed and to accept what could not be changed and the wisdom to know the difference.
The thing that shines through for me from your posts is the love you have for your husband. I really hope everything goes as well for both of you as is possible,
Love Tre

 

[jimbo 111]

Dear Jan, ---------------
".I am not a religious person but my aunt used to say she prayed for the strength to change what could be changed and to accept what could not be changed and the wisdom to know the difference. "

Love Tre

Tre
I to am not particularly religious , but the prayer quoted above has sustained me
without fail since my wife died nearly two years ago
The prayer in full is

Please God
Grant me the Courage to change the things that can be changed
The Serenity to accept those things that cannot be changed
And the Wisdom to know the difference

My wifes death followed a heart attack so her death was relatively sudden
I can only add my sympathy to Jan and all of those members who are in a similar position to her
I really do feel for the pain ,anguish and fortitude that must be required in the circumstances of leaving a husband or wife it must take a lot of courage
I am often misunderstood when I tell people that the pain felt by people who have to leave their loved ones is worse than a sudden death
I love my wife dearly and two years on I still feel her death , but I am aware that our parting is irrevocable
My sympathy to Jan and tre and all those who continue to share that anguish
Even without being particularly religious the prayer quoted above ( with others ) does continue to bring me some comfort
Please take heart
Best Wishes
jimbo 111

 

[Contrary Mary]

Jan, I feel for you having reached this stage of the dementia journey, and the difficult adjustments to life that have to be made. I do hope that the home turns out to be as good as you hope and that you can now share the care.

Thanks to Tre and Jimbo for mentioning the prayer. We have a plaque on the wall with praying hands and the prayer. Not being in the mood yet to be very houseproud I had forgotten all about it.

Mary
x

 

[jan.s]

Padraig. Thank you for your kind words. Yes, we have a similar relationship whereby we became one; since he became ill and struggled with things, I always say to him "we are a team". That then allows me to help him.

Butter. I do hope that the care home will be an extension of our home, and that we can spend quality time together. Thank you.

Tre. I too cared for my husband until January of this year, when it all became too much for both of us. It is good to know that I am not alone in crying my way home! It felt like leaving my little one at boarding school for the first day - I'm still labelling his clothes! I do try to remain as honest as I can, but sometimes it is just kinder. I think he believes that I live there too. Thank you for your kind thoughts.

Jimbo. Thank you for the prayer. I shall copy and paste it and use it as a reminder to help me through the bad bits, as I am sure there will be many more! You are so right too when you describe the anguish, it's like losing him a bit at a time. I am still thankful that he is a kind person.

Mary. Thank you too for your kind words.

Everyone has made such a difference, even if you have made me cry even more!!
thank you.

J x

 

[jan.s]

Thank You and an update

Thank you all for your comments - it means so much to me to know that there are so many people who care. I've never met you, but you are there, sharing your love and encouragement, understanding how I feel and that makes such a difference.

I must admit, I wasn't sure what I was going to see when I got to the CH today. I rang late morning, just to see how he was, so I could prepare myself. I felt sick in case he was unhappy!! But no, they told me that he had been fine. He had accepted help with washing and dressing; that can be a contentious issue!!

I arrived a bit early today, and found him just finishing his lunch and how pleased he was to see me. A big smile. GREAT! He was chatty with staff and was fairly relaxed, a good start. We went through to the day centre for a singing session, which he enjoyed (especially waving his flag to Land of Hope and Glory!).

So far, so good. I can only hope this continues. I asked him if he was happy and he said yes and smiled. I really hope that we can enjoy a good relationship, without me having to be involved in the contentious bits.

I'm sorry, I've rambled, but I am pleased that he has started to settle. Thank you all for your support.

Jan xx

PS Just had a call from the CH - he pushed someone tonight!! Both are OK, He objected to her keep shouting. I bet he didn't get a Brownie point for that one.

 

[Butter]

I hope your day today is gentle too. I'm sorry you were called last night about a 'push'. I'm not sure what you were expected to do about it!!! If my mother's CH called every time there was a 'push' they would never get anything else done!!!!!! Your husband must be in tender and attentive hands - with people who have enough time.

 

[jan.s]

Dear Butter
Thank you so much. I was surprised to get the call, and worried all night about it!

I have spoken with the home this morning and been told he wont eat, wont take meds and is very quiet. I hope this is just settling in and they are going to look for ways to deal with this, as I want a good relationship with him, not constantly having to shove food and meds into him!!

Time will tell. I said I would see what I could do this afternoon.

I only hope he is in good place this afternoon, as I am still not feeling very strong, after all the battles of the past weeks.

Thank you again for your kind words, it helps me to cope.
Jan x

 

[tre]

Your husband sounds very similar to mine. My husband is extremely distressed by loud noises and shouting too. After my husband had an accident at Day Care they said it would be a good idea if they kept a spare set of clothing for him. I ordered the name tapes at M & S then sat in the car and wept. I remember sewing these on for my mum when she went into residential care and it just seems one more step closer.
I really hope things go well for your husband at the CH. They were very nice to my mum where she was but there were some very loud residents which I know would be a problem for my David. At Day Care they have a small quiet group and he has settled well there.
Love Tre

 

[MissisT]

Dear Jan
Your post has described exactly what I have been so worried about since my husband's diagnosis. He was 68 and he died at home in his sleep on March 30th. I was his comfort blanket and I know he needed me to be there so much - I was the only one who made him feel secure and safe. I was terrified of having to deal with what you're going through and I am so, so sorry. The last 3 weeks for me have been easy compared to what you are experiencing.

I'm sure he will settle and of course it's for the best and you mustn't feel guilty and ..... big hugs from me. Teresa xxx

 

[Contrary Mary]

Jan, if it's any small comfort I never put Mum into respite because I was scared of how it would go. When I had no choice but to put her into care it took at least three weeks for her to settle. Hang on in there, if the eating is a problem, perhaps they would give him some supplement drinks to see him through.

Thinking of you

Mary
x

 

[piedwarbler]

Just sending a hug Jan. Hang on in there. I'm thinking of you xxx

 

[Butter]

Jan - It will not be easy. And if your husband has had a bad day it does not mean he will have a bad day tomorrow. You will be so very tired. I think being sad is tiring all on its own.
Butter

 

[jan.s]

Thank you all again. I think (or hope) things are improving.
Tre, it is such a shame when they know that noise upsets them. I have to say though when I was talking to the Head of Care, she told me that the woman who was shouting was driving them mad too, and that hubby had sat very quietly and remorsefully after - he knows it's not right to push people.
Theresa, you are so rght, I am his security blanket, we have been soulmates for 40 years now, so it's tough. That is why I want the CH to be an extension of our home, and I can spend quality time with him.
Mary. Thanks - I spoke with them today abut food, and suggested they let him eat finger foods, which they did this afternoon and he cleared his plate (with a bit of support from me)
Pied, thank you for your good wishes, when I know you have so much on your plate. I a persevering and optimistic.
Butter, I so appreciate your words. Yes, sadness is tiring (crying makes my face ache!!), but at least I do get off to sleep at night now.

When he saw me this afternoon his whole face lit up, and we had a lovely time together. He tells me he likes it there (phew!) and that people are kind to him. Most of the residents are a lot older than him, but I guess that would be the case in most CHs. He told me he likes the tea now too!! Like a child, I continually praise him for doing the right things, so he feels good about himself.

Thank you all for your support. When there is only me and little dog, sometimes it's hard. Little dog does listen to what I say, but doesn't say too much!!

I shall persevere and hope all works out well, I think it will as the CH seem so supportive in trying to do the right things for both of us. I believe in working together to achieve the best, so let's hope.

Jan xx

 

[Grannie G]

You are doing well Jan in looking for the positives.

 

[omi2]

hello, jan,
just would tell you that you are in my thoughts... although I cannot imagine what
happened to you I feel it must be so hard, so strange.. perhaps you feel a kind of
faithless, as it's your partner??? but you know it was the only way..!!!!!!

there are no more the olden times when ppl had lots of kids sharing these duties...
like my beloved mom-in-law when she got alzheimer's...
she had 7 children, one abroad, so 6 children, each of them for one day of the week,
and at weekend we paid for a professionell calling it *friend*. and all the time when
we had our turn, we both were with her within 24 hours, my husband like all men
during the night, and me like all women, daughters and daughters-in-law, during the
day.. nursery houses are not that common, very rarely........

I send you my greatest hugs and wishing you all my best!!

 

[jan.s]

Thank you Sylvia, yes,I am trying to be positive, because I know I can't change anything and wallowing doesn't help! I did wallow on Thursday night, because I felt so alone, but by Friday had rearranged my thinking and am trying hard to look for the best bits. I admit, I am still struggling, but I am sure things will get better with time.

Your kindness Omi is very much appreciated thank you. I am sure I will get used to my new life, given time.

Jan x