Home Alone

[Padraig]

Thank you so very much Cate, it's nice to know there are people out there who care. I'm feeling a bit better to-day and I'm pleased to have finished my book. It's been hard going at times; so painful to read. I've read a number of treads and I can relate to almost all. Many I could respond to but I have to remind myself that I view life differently to most people. Each day I just keep going always expecting the unexpected. Can it be that there is another truck load of manure about to be dumped over me. Or for a change something plesant.
One remark in a post that caught my eye was;"We're only human." It minds me of the time when my wife was in a NH and I insisted on knowing what medication they were administering.I was told I'd have to ask the doctor. The doctor started out by saying:"I'm told you visit your wife every day for up to 9 hours. I think that is wonderful." I replied; "No it's not." Surprised: "Why ever not?" Without thinking I blurted: "Don't dogs look after their pups." It took a long time to realise how realistic the answer was. Animals don't start wars and kill, that's humans domain. Of course there are wonderful humans.

 

[Padraig]

Fighting this illness is painful enough but it is made the more so, when there's a lack of proper support. It is four months since I was discharged from hospital. Two weeks after discharge I had just two visits to tend to dressings on my wounds. I'm on a journey of discovery about this gastric cancer by personal experience. The only difference between this journey and the Alzheimer's one is the discovery was by 24/7 observations. It brings home the loneliness my wife must have felt being unable to speak in her final six years. I still posses a large file containing entries relating to her illness plus many forms and instructions I cast aside. Once again I have my own large file with contain entries made three months ago. Plus I've had very long forms to fill and return on how I now feel about my time in intensive care. When will they ever learn to stop wasting time and money on postage and office staff and start action?
Strange I don't fear dying, in fact of late (most nights) I pray it's my turn to join my beloved Jean and daughter Karen. I've lived a life that over flowed with sadness and happiness, but best of all I was blessed to have found my soul-mate.

 

[alex]

Hi Padraig

Don't be in such a rush to join Jean honey..........she will always be in your life, even though your not in hers, because she's in your memory .....and neither cancer, god or any truck load of manure will take that from you.

Glad your recovering from the flu.

Take care honey
Love Alex x

 

[Cate]

Hi Padraig,
Good to see you are feeling a bit better, I suspect though there are still good days, and not so good days.

You have obviously been very busy to have finished your book, please let me know when its published and I shall put my order in.

I agree with Alex, you shouldnt be in a rush to join your Jean, she is always in your heart, and you have the rest of the family to think of, I doubt they are anywhere near ready to let you go, so sorry old friend, you have a duty to continue the fight and keep ducking that manure.

Thinking of you.
Love
Cate xxx

 

[hazytron]

Hi Padraig, you are an inspiration to us all. I Hope today will be a good one for you.

Thinking of you.
Hazel

 

[Izzy]

Sending my own thoughts for you today Padraig and wishing you strength to continue to deal with things in your own amazing way. x

 

[Padraig]

Cate, Hazel and Izzy, Thank you so very much for your kind words and support. Yesterday afternoon I felt real bad and decided to phone the nurse and asked to know what kind of support there was: "Get in touch with your GP." came the reply. I thought; what's the point he/she are not specialist, and left it at that. At around five o'clock I had a phone call from a lady doctor to tell me she was coming around to see me after surgery at six. One feels such a nuisance bothering a doctor after duty. She arrived after 8 o'clock. As is usual I questioned her about everything to do with my illness and symptoms. She offered different medications to ease pain and I promised to try one. Time passed quickly and I kept telling her I was sorry to hold her up but she insisted on staying and remarked: "I could listen to you all night your so fascinating." She left around twenty to ten!
Cate, With reference to the book; there are parts of it I can't stop thinking about. The saying "Better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all" rings in my mind. I never knew my birth mother and what I've found out about her I can only feel sad for her. She was one mixed up woman. I don't think she knew the meaning of truth. I met her briefly in 1947 and learned recently that she died in 1986 in Manchester! As for my father I also just learned he fought tirelessly for the release of both my sister's and I from detention. Was it better to have had the chance to love them? I don't know, but I do know when you never had love then experience it for the first time you never let it go and treasure it all the more.

 

[gigi]

Dear Padraig,

I read your posts and find them very thought provoking.

You have lived such a different life to many of us and I admire your fortitude of spirit and acknowledgement of love.

I grew up with parents who were strict and somehow I always felt "in the way". For many of us I don't think childhood was the "ideal" that these days people think it should be.

But we make our own way in life and you have certainly made yours..and made your mark in doing that.

No point in looking back with regret..carpe diem..seize the day.

You had true love with Jean and have a loving and caring family because of that love.

And that's a miracle of life....

I'm sure you still have a lot to give..I'm learning a lot from you.

Thankyou.

I do hope that you have accepted pain relief from the lovely doctor who visited you and are feeling more comfortable tonight.

Love xx

 

[Padraig]

Gigi,
For most of my life I kept my background secret, one because of shame and stigma and two if I were to tell, no one would believe. Now it matters little because the truth is out there at last. Sadly too late for so many. It is almost impossible for most people to comprehend the idea of single sex children being raised the same as battery hens. It was not till I was 17 that I learned the difference between boys and girls! Many of the other kids who 'did time' ended up in adult prison, and were happy. Many others were unable to cope in the outside world and took their own lives.
Each time I reflect on my life I can't help but laugh, then wonder: did I do that? If only some of the people who worked for me knew of my background I wonder what they would have said. With freedom came the opportunity to learn how society operated in the conventional manner. When required I approach problems in a non-conventional way. As I see it there are many fisher men/women chasing the fish. It's easy to get hooked. I avoid the bate, be it food, the latest fashion or 'in thing' to do.
Like a kid, I still ask 'why' to each problem I encounter. So you see having no one to turn to, has been a blessing. I've learned to work out life's problems on my own.
As for how I turned out; the answer is simple. My wife was my salvation and like many on here who suffer, I miss her dearly. She was the ideal of what I imagined a Mum to be. At the end I told her it was OK to let go as she had done her work to made me whole.

 

[Cate]

Hi Padraig

I am so sorry to read that you have been feeling unwell, I have come to know you a little, and I would guess if you called the doctor, my goodness it must have been bad. It sounds as if she was one of the good ones, yes they are few and far between, I hope what she has given you has helped.

I have been thinking over what you have said about your early life, and I do think our path is marked out for us, yours was so very harsh, its hard to comprehend that such inhuman treatment of small children went on. Having said that I believe it made you so very strong, your fight for and with Jean was nothing short of remarkable, and I do wonder if you hadnt learnt to fight from such a small age, would you have been so resourceful in your fight for Jean, somehow I dont think so. You learnt to question everything, I feel so sure that was so fundimental in your wonderful care of her.

What I am trying to say, and I fear I am not saying this very well at all, if Jean's path in later life was going to be AD what better person could she have had but you. I hope that makes some sort of sense. You can obviously tell who between is the writer!

Hope you have a peaceful night.
Love
Cate xxx

 

[Padraig]

Thanks Cate, I've had a good night last night for a change. I've yet to take medication as I'm still trying to discover the underlying cause of my problems.
With reference to the book I've handed it over to our son to arrange for the publication. I'm looking forward to hear what he thinks of it once he's read it. Presently I'm at a bit of a loss about my next move, as my research has thrown up a lot of loose ends. No doubt there may be some who wish to know if I followed them up. It appears I have two half brothers living in Ireland, a half sister in England and another half brother. The latter half brother was a child born out of wedlock to my birth mother. She kept trying to give him away and managed in the end when he was three years old. She handed him over to a Protestant Organization who in turn had him adopted. He married and has a daughter. The whole story is crazy, you couldn't make it up and yet I have all the supporting document from the 1930s.
It's true that my wife has been my saving grace and has left me with a family to be pleased with. Our son derives great rewards from teaching chronically disfigured and disabled children.
I'm rambling sorry.

 

[Beezed]

Dear Padraig,

I love reading your "ramblings" as you call them. Growing up in a very victorian patriarchal family in Ireland I have some inkling of the attitudes you faced at the time.

My mother was watched like a hawk, lest she go the same way as her mother having children out of wedlock etc.

It is good that it is all out in the open now and your story needs to be told. Not just for yourself, but for all the others who needlessly suffered in that unenlightened age.

Hoping you are feeling reasonably well and that I haven't spoken out of turn.

Sending my best wishes,

Jeanne.

 

[Padraig]

Jeanne, It's nice to know you find my ramblings of interest. There are so many snippets of information I've come across that make interesting reading. The sheer stupidity of some actions make me laugh. Rich people use to visit the orphanages in Ireland looking for children to adopt.

One story goes; this woman was at a party and got a little too much to drink. She told her daughter that she had a brother and explained she had to have him adopted.

A high powered lawyer in the US sent his wife to adopt a boy from an mixed sex orphanage. She fell in love with a little boy. The problem was the boy was very close to a little girl who put her arms out to her. She phoned her husband and asked if he was willing to adopt two. He agreeded to donate a handsome sum to the Orders for the pair. 'Buy one get one free' hadn't yet started.
On hearing the story the daughter hired an investigator to track down her brother. The Mother and daughter found the adopted daughter. They learned the boy became a high powered Lawyer and had died of AIDs and was buried in Ireland in accordance with his wishes. The president's wife Nancy Regan had attended his funeral!
The mother and daughter plus the adopted girl visited the grave. Sad she never got to see her son grow up.
For long periods I use to hope and pray that some one would pick me, but as time passed I accepted it was not to be. However it was well worth the wait to be accepted by a very special girl; Jean who made me whole. I told her so days before she passed.

 

[Padraig]

Update

Just thought I'd up date how things have been going. For about a week I felt real bad and medication had little effect. But then I never place much faith in medication. This last week I felt a lot better and started to begin to run a little during my early morning walks. Today I did a number of half mile runs and thanks to what Alix said that I'd be back running, I believe I'll be able to run the complete the three and a half mile course in the next month or so.
As my book is ready for publication, I've started on the story of our Alzheimer's journey. Each day when I drop in to read the postings I'm reminded of all the issues I learned to deal with both mentally and physically. It would be a shame to not share all I learned.
Since I live alone I rarely feel lonely as I have regular visits from our daughter. She's been on a two week visit with her husband to the villa in Spain and I look forward to seeing her on Saturday afternoon. Her husband then returns to Iraq. Two other members of the clan are off to Afghanistan for a brief period.
As I told my wife when I knew it was near the end: "You have done your work. You were sent to make me whole."
Now I see the effects in our family. Our Son teaches badly disfigured and disabled children and now his eldest daughter has joined him in his work. She was scared at first but now is overjoyed that she found her niche in life. She can still run her own business as a hairdresser. Then there's our daughter's eldest girl who has her own business and is paying for sign language classes from the profits. Once again she's loving working with deaf people in the evenings and weekends. A third grand daughter is nearing her final year studying psychology to work with patients with dementia.She helps out at weekends and holidays in NHs. Though I rarely see any of them it's nice to know some of the goodness of my special lady has been passed on.
Sorry for such a long ramble. Live each day as though it's your last, What's age got to do with it?

 

[rosaliesal]

Lovely family

I just love what I am reading about your family. How caring and loving. This is what the world needs. Sometimes I think that suffering teaches others to care even more, which is spread to others. You must be very proud of all of them.

 

[Padraig]

Rosaliesal,
There is a lot to what you say and I have often wondered why it was as a young man I could not refrain from losing my cool when ever I saw a child or woman being abused. So often my wife use to say: "Please don't show me up." I could not help it; to look the other way was not an option.
Now I understand, I learned as I witnessed all kinds of abuse inflicted on so many children over so any years. Life is richer and better with kindness and love.
As for pride, that's something I can't handle. I'm pleased for my family and wish each of them well and am happy that they can look beyond the exterior make-up of people to see the true person. Pride was one sin the Religious Orders managed to get to stick with me. Learning the Commandments as a child was confusing. Take 'honour thy father and mother', how could I do that when I had neither? Then, they spoke of our Four-fathers; I should be so lucky, one would have been enough for me! As seven year old boys we were not allowed to question statements. One could be forgiven not understanding: Thou shall not commit adultery; I never saw a dull tree!
I'm having a real bad day today. Hope I have a better night than last night. Thank God Jean is not here to see me suffer.

 

[Padraig]

Daughters and sons

Tomorrow our daughter takes me to Gloucester hospital for a check-up by the specialist. There are so many questions I have to ask about my body's reaction to the major surgery. The mental aspect is not a problem for me as I learned to cope in my own cold logical way from the start of life.
The problem is how do I protect our daughter and son from emotional pain? There is little I can recall of my weeks in hospital and have to ask them, who came to visit me? They tell me that it was touch and go as to whether I made it as they watched doctors and nurses dash frantically about.
Reading posts on this site I've become aware of the deep pain and suffering endured by daughters and sons at the loss of their Mum or Dad. It makes me realise the pain our children suffered at the loss of their Mum and Nan, though I can never really truly know the feeling.
'Boys don't cry' I learned very young. Why would they and what for anyway. I've often wondered what it feels like to grow up within a family or to have a friend. I had make-believe friends. The point I'm trying to make is, since this cancer our son and daughter have shown such kindness and support, it's heart breaking to accept. Aren't Dads meant to be there for their family. Now, I'm aware that big boys do cry when no one is looking. It's easier to give, than receive and strays make the most loyal pets.

 

[Beezed]

Dear Padraig,

Accept the kindness and support, you have always been there for your children and they now have an opportunity to repay that.

In my own case it was a pleasure to care for mum in some small way as she was/is the best.

Hope the hospital visit goes okay tomorrow and that your questions are answered.

Take care,
Jeanne.

 

[Padraig]

Thanks Jeanne, I accept their support, but I don't think they understand the emotions I feel. I've learned many things from what are referred to as my formative years and put them to good use.
They are called formative because they are the years that form the foundations of a person's character. It determines who we are. As with most people there are positives and negatives to be seen in our upbringing. The positives I learned was to find my way successfully in a strange world and to have fallen for a king gentle girl, who became my salvation. I've never understood why her love was unconditional and I never ceased asking her. The
answer was always the same: "Because I love you!"
The negative aspect is best explained as follows: While I was caring for Jean i received a letter from a Professor At Dublin University informing me that I was one of a selected few who had spent time in the child labour camps and was invited to attend a research interview. Needless to say I was not prepared to leave my wife's side. They did however send two people over to interview me. The one question that stood out was: "Did they tell you, 'you were no good and that no one wanted you'?". My reply: "No, if you send a child out to do some shopping and when he returns to find a 'Sold' sign outside his house and his family have vanished; he kinda gets the message."
I'm still fighting and feel a bit rough today as I hit the road at 05.15 AM and completed my first full three mile run since my operation. Why do I do it? There are too many answers for now. Oh, how I miss my soul mate, but she gave me wonderful children in her image. Sorry for the long rambling.

 

[maryw]

Dear Padraig, your story never ceases to amaze me as does your defiant determination to fight your illness. I understand your concern for your children. I am sure they are handling it as your fighting genes have been passed on to them! Very few escape dealing with the death of a parent, and yes, it is traumatic, but it happens - part and parcel of life, and it has teaching values too..... as you yourself have said, it brings about an awareness of one's own mortality and an awareness of a need to live one's life to the full.

I also understand how you feel a little uneasy about the role reversal. If they had had surgery you would be doing the same for them - it's called love, and it works both ways!

I hope the hospital appointment went well today xx