Holiday worries

Angel 4

Registered User
Jan 27, 2022
99
0
Essex
Hello,
Has anyone been in a similar situation… we are planning a holiday for the October half term. We have a 19, 16 & 12 year old and my eldest son 24 all want a beach holiday, spending time together & relaxing in the sun. My husband who has FAD said at first he didn’t want to come, he doesn’t really enjoy the sun and also gets very anxious with new surroundings etc. He was happy for us to go but recently he is saying he will come, I’m just worried that he won’t enjoy it and that I’ll be on edge worrying about him. He has been struggling recently with his diagnosis and things have been hard for all of us. He has mood swings often and blames me for most things. I’d hate the holiday to be ruined for the kids… it’s so hard 😞
 

Raest

Registered User
Jan 15, 2022
44
0
We are on holiday abroad now and this is the second year since diagnosis and we have noticed a big difference. He is constantly repeating phrases when he gets anxious and we have got him word searches as that seems to occupy him. I don’t think we will have another holiday abroad again as too stressed
 

Violet Jane

Registered User
Aug 23, 2021
1,965
0
Your children (and you) deserve a relaxing holiday. I would tell him that he won't enjoy the holiday because of the heat and the style of holiday (beach) and that he would be better off staying at home. I think that you need to be firm about this. Your husband shouldn't always take priority over your children. Do you have anyone who could visit or take him out a couple of times whilst you're away so that there's something for him to look forward to?

Have you asked about medication for your husband's mood swings? The right medication can really help.
 

Angel 4

Registered User
Jan 27, 2022
99
0
Essex
Your children (and you) deserve a relaxing holiday. I would tell him that he won't enjoy the holiday because of the heat and the style of holiday (beach) and that he would be better off staying at home. I think that you need to be firm about this. Your husband shouldn't always take priority over your children. Do you have anyone who could visit or take him out a couple of times whilst you're away so that there's something for him to look forward to?

Have you asked about medication for your husband's mood swings? The right medication can really help.
Thank you @Violet Jane for your reply,
It’s so good to hear someone else’s thoughts on this! I really want the holiday to be relaxing & fun for the kids.. we have just talked about it and he is saying now he won’t come, but I can’t help feeling guilty!
He is on antidepressants for his anxiety and we are thinking about increasing them, so maybe that will help with the moods.
 

Sarahkb

Registered User
Apr 3, 2022
53
0
Thank you @Violet Jane for your reply,
It’s so good to hear someone else’s thoughts on this! I really want the holiday to be relaxing & fun for the kids.. we have just talked about it and he is saying now he won’t come, but I can’t help feeling guilty!
He is on antidepressants for his anxiety and we are thinking about increasing them, so maybe that will help with the moods.
Hi I am currently on my first family holiday without my husband. He is 50 with FTD. We have a 7 and 11 year old. I knew last year that out family holidays were over. His behaviour became too difficult for me to manage alongside the children. However I just couldn’t stand the thought of never having a family holiday again so braved it mainly for the children’s sake at Easter. I booked a place we had stayed many times so all very familiar. The only way this worked was basically for me to take the children out to different activities and the beach alone. The couple times he did come was very very stressful. He is completely disinhibited, gets angry quickly, verbally abusive towards me and just gets lost etc. however it was special too for the children who just wanted daddy there.
This holiday feels very sad although the children are having fun. He is in residential care for the first time. Not going well he messages constantly asking me to get him snd leaves horrible voicemails. I’m Ignoring as no choice and I want kids to have a holiday.
My experience is that go with your instinct. I just knew when it was impossible to do and actually more damaging for him to come, for him and the children. I wish you all the best with your decision.
 

Raest

Registered User
Jan 15, 2022
44
0
Did you manage to find residential care for a younger person easy. We will have to do this next time we go away
 

Sarahkb

Registered User
Apr 3, 2022
53
0
I wish I could give you a positive answer but sadly no, it’s taken over a year and a lot of fighting with social services. This particular place is over an hour away and doesn’t actually do respite but because he is now in need of support all the time and it’s not possible for him to be safe at home they agreed to a slow transition with no more than 2 weeks between visits. It is a lovely place more like assisted living. He is the youngest but it is not ‘old’ people or like a typical residential setting.
We have used live in carers a few times over the past year which worked well. Partly because there was no residential option and also because my husband was no where near ready to stay away from home. That’s always an option to consider.
 

Sarahkb

Registered User
Apr 3, 2022
53
0
I should add the live in carers were used also as a means of getting the children used to daddy not always doing things with us. Like a weekend away, didn’t really want a weekend away but it was a means of supporting the children emotionally with daddy’s deterioration and us being a 3 now.
 

Grannie G

Volunteer Moderator
Apr 3, 2006
81,215
0
Kent
It's such a balancing act when younger people with dementia and their children are involved. And once again, it`s the primary carer who is expected to do the balancing.

I`ve no experience of younger children having a parent with dementia but I`m sure they must suffer unbelievably. I imagine the best part of any year is devoted to the welfare of the person with dementia and perhaps it's only fair the children should be able to have a carefree holiday for one or two weeks out of the fifty two.
 

Angel 4

Registered User
Jan 27, 2022
99
0
Essex
Hi I am currently on my first family holiday without my husband. He is 50 with FTD. We have a 7 and 11 year old. I knew last year that out family holidays were over. His behaviour became too difficult for me to manage alongside the children. However I just couldn’t stand the thought of never having a family holiday again so braved it mainly for the children’s sake at Easter. I booked a place we had stayed many times so all very familiar. The only way this worked was basically for me to take the children out to different activities and the beach alone. The couple times he did come was very very stressful. He is completely disinhibited, gets angry quickly, verbally abusive towards me and just gets lost etc. however it was special too for the children who just wanted daddy there.
This holiday feels very sad although the children are having fun. He is in residential care for the first time. Not going well he messages constantly asking me to get him snd leaves horrible voicemails. I’m Ignoring as no choice and I want kids to have a holiday.
My experience is that go with your instinct. I just knew when it was impossible to do and actually more damaging for him to come, for him and the children. I wish you all the best with your decision.
Thank you @Sarahkb, it’s so hard isn’t it.
I think I know that it won’t go smoothly! From experience recently, we’ve had lots of bad days. He is in the early stages (I think, how do you know?) it’s his anxiety and moods that just him and then he takes it out on me.
We spoke about the holiday yesterday and he is now saying if he ups his medication (anti depressants) he will be better. Then started saying I don’t want him to come.. 😞 I tried to explain that’s not the case but he just doesn’t really understand.
 

Sarahkb

Registered User
Apr 3, 2022
53
0
Thank you. That’s exactly it. The children need to be children but the guilt is so hard. My husband repeatedly asks to come with us then gets upset with me for “not letting him go” the children also ask why I’m not letting him go. Although they now are understanding more. I don’t want their childhood to be missed. Or my best years with them either.
 

Didi504

Registered User
Nov 30, 2015
2
0
Please don’t feel guilty about leaving your husband in respite care while you’re on holiday. My husband seemed quite ok to go into respite while i went to my sisters for a week and I left him there quite happily. Later in the evening he rang up and was quite abusive saying that he thought it was just for one day. I was so upset and later phoned the manager who went to see him and reported back to me that he was quite ok and happily tucked up in bed!! I did go away for a week after a sleepless night and he had a good time so please don’t give up hope.
 

Louise dionne

New member
Jun 19, 2023
1
0
Hello,
Has anyone been in a similar situation… we are planning a holiday for the October half term. We have a 19, 16 & 12 year old and my eldest son 24 all want a beach holiday, spending time together & relaxing in the sun. My husband who has FAD said at first he didn’t want to come, he doesn’t really enjoy the sun and also gets very anxious with new surroundings etc. He was happy for us to go but recently he is saying he will come, I’m just worried that he won’t enjoy it and that I’ll be on edge worrying about him. He has been struggling recently with his diagnosis and things have been hard for all of us. He has mood swings often and blames me for most things. I’d hate the holiday to be ruined for the kids… it’s so hard 😞
Hi there, I'm not sure I'm in the right section because I'm 60 and look after Dad who 93 (6 years now). However my perspective might help. You have a long long life ahead of you right now. The least things you give up on in general, is the better scenario. My advice is if everyone wants to go on holiday, then everyone should. A sort of holiday that gives everyone more rest, more space, beautiful and different surroundings, creating special memories, relaxing activities like music or music entertainment, sitting round a pool, or looking at the ocean is always going to be beneficial, it's always going to be worth it, although it might be difficult on occasion. Holidays aren't necessarily for being more active, or for doing completely nothing, in my opinion it just breaks the home routine up in a positive way. Holidays are to have something to look forward too, as well reminiscing about, when you're back home. Especially if there's lots of photographs/video clips. Overall, I would say holidays are worth every minute, even though there might be extra work or unforseen difficulties. Even though my Dad has dementia and is 93 1/2, he is in my opinion a one off. We've always taken him on holiday several times a year, even on a plane abroad. (Every 4 months ish) He loves it overall, and so do we. We're going again on Sunday. Me, Dad, my sister, my nephew his wife, 2 children 5 and 7. Considering the whole holiday thing, the biggest difficulties are practical ones. I can't take him on my own, simply because I can't push a wheelchair with both hands, and have a hand free to pull a suitcase behind me. !!! He can walk fine, but not at any speed or distance at the airports. We go to familiar holiday places so it's home from home, the South Coast or The Canary Islands - no where else, and no where he doesn't know already. Dad can be challenging sometimes, with moods, night times, eating, etc. But he also can be happy, longer sleeps, enjoying local foods, loves the ladies that sing, really enjoys trips to our favourite little bar, chatting with familiar faces. Families will learn what it's like looking after a member of the family whilst still enjoying their surroundings. Not all things in life are ever going to be fantastically perfect, so it teaches real life as it really is. A good lesson. Please don't give up with life and all its pleasures so quick. Keep going, keep trying, think positive, try and involve everyone, have a sense of humour, always hope for the best. I could write another 100 pages, so I'd better not!!
 

Evo 2810 ke

Registered User
Oct 17, 2022
10
0
62
Staffs
Hello,
Has anyone been in a similar situation… we are planning a holiday for the October half term. We have a 19, 16 & 12 year old and my eldest son 24 all want a beach holiday, spending time together & relaxing in the sun. My husband who has FAD said at first he didn’t want to come, he doesn’t really enjoy the sun and also gets very anxious with new surroundings etc. He was happy for us to go but recently he is saying he will come, I’m just worried that he won’t enjoy it and that I’ll be on edge worrying about him. He has been struggling recently with his diagnosis and things have been hard for all of us. He has mood swings often and blames me for most things. I’d hate the holiday to be ruined for the kids… it’s so hard 😞
Hi
we are just on our way back from a beach holiday with our son partner and their 5 year old son
My husband is 15 years into parkinsons with last 2 years dementia added
John is 67
I can't give you any pointers really other than be mindful of their changes in surroundings
Keep a calm.enviroment and use plenty of 're assurance
I feel personally that our situation has promoted anxiety for the rest of the family which I feel guilty for
John certainly did not enjoy the sand the uneven surface made it extremely awkward for him to walk and unfortunately sand doesn't go well with wheelchairs
I have made a decision not to repeat these efforts again
But you will never know your outcome unless you try
Good luck and safe travel
 

Brisy Chris

New member
Aug 13, 2023
9
0
I've just cut short our holiday with my son and his family because of my husband who has Alzheimers/vascular dementia. His state of mind wasn't too bad when we booked but in the last couple of months has deteriorated considerably. He first of all refused to get dressed and into the car, but I did persuade him, he then spent the 4 hour journey complaining he didn't want to go. I thought once he got there and saw the grandchildren, spent time on the beach and walking he would be ok. Sadly, he couldn't settle, was argumentative, contrary, did some very strange things and had us all on edge. So to prevent the grandchildren from seeing him in this state and also ruining my son's holiday we came home after 2 days. there will never be another family holiday, which was very upsetting, but it's no holiday when you are permanently on edge. Everyone is different, so go with your gut and I hope you get to have an enjoyable break.
 

Sarahkb

Registered User
Apr 3, 2022
53
0
So sorry to read this. I can relate to the sadness about realising there will be no more family holidays. I had our last family holiday with my husband (FTD) and 2 young children at Easter. This summer we just could manage because of the support he requires and difficult behaviours.
It’s so hard. Sending you best wishes.