Holiday or not

[simpknt]

Hi.

I'm in a real quandary about a few days away with my partner. She has dementia. We were going on a four weeks holiday, staying with old friends in places she has visited before. We had to come home after 3 days because Janet just went over the edge and ended up in a comatose state for a couple of hours. We had an incident like this last year when we went away. The trouble is we have paid for a cottage in Pembrokeshire for two weeks. The plan was to have people staying with us the whole time. I intend to go and spend a few days with my brother and his family for a few days in the second week. Janet will have 24-hour care at home during this time. Janet keeps insisting she wants to go to the cottage for the first few days with a friend and me.

I'm very worried that we will have a rerun of the first few days. Our friend says she is happy to at least give it a try and see how it goes. If it happens again, we will come home early. I just don't have the heart to tell Janet she can't go. So as it stands, we are going to give it a go, but I'm so worried. Is this the right decision? Does anybody else on here have this experience? I just don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks for reading.

David

 

[at wits end]

I dont have any experience of taking a dementia sufferer on holiday but I can feel how badly you want to go!

I would say go, try it, but know you MAY have to come home early. After all it's not the other side of the world.

I hope you have a lovely time

 

[Izzy]

I think that as you have a friend who realises the holiday may have to be cut short and you are being realistic about it you should give it a go. I find self catering the best fr holidays now. Less pressure and freedom to do things (or not) as you choose.

I hope it works out for you.

 

[Butter]

Give it a go and don't be afraid to give up. My last holiday with my husband was for four days and I decided it was the last.

 

[Canadian Joanne]

You can try for a couple of days and perhaps that will mollify Janet. I think you should start considering that this may be your last holiday away.

 

[simpknt]

Holoiday Or not

Thank you all for your kind comments. I've booked our rail tickets (with an open return!) so we'll be going. I hope Fiona can cope with Janet OK. She hasn't seen Janet for a few months and may not realise how much she has deteriorated. We'll see.

I do realise this will be our last holiday together. I hope it's not memorable for the wrong reasons. Fingers crossed....

David

 

[yecats]

yecats

Hi David

I have just have a weeks holiday with my husband ( he has dementia and C.O.P.D.)
Because of the C.O.P.D. he can't go out when the is cold or wet, so I booked a sea
view room in a hotel, so if it was bad we could watch the world go by. I really thought I had thought of everything.
it was a disaster. he got really disorantated he did not know where anything was. He was not going to go in that shower. He could not walk as far as usual.
What I am trying to say is that as much as you plan, it does not always work out. I can't do it again. He does go in for respite care but I really wanted us to have a holiday together.
I hope things work out better for you than me.

All the best,

Barbara

 

[1954]

We tried 2 nights away in Hastings with my MIL and hubby a couple of weeks ago. NEVER again! She was so confused. Everything was out of routine. It was dire. The only positive thing I can say is we tried it! Our memory of the holiday is not good at all. There was nothing good about the days away. It just cost us a lot of money. Hubby lost 2 days work. MIL remembers nothing so nothing was gained by any of us

Sorry but I hope your experience is better than ours

 

[Izzy]

I have to say that this is very much down to individual circumstances - and knowing when it's time to stop. I would say that my husband is at stage 6 with his dementia (Alzheimer's). Since January we have been to Lanzarote and Italy as well as having a week in various spots in England (which included meeting up with TPers at Launde Abbey). Next week we are going to Banchory for a week. It isn't always easy. I admit that. I am lucky that at present the good is outweighing he bad. When that balance tips the other way we will stop.

 

[Jaycee23]

When I read other peoples experiences regarding taking members of the family away who have dementia, it does not usually turn out a positive experience. We took mum away when she could reasonably be happy but it was not a holiday for us! She was having to be constantly supervised and when we went out somewhere nice she would not see further from her nose and asked to go back, all the time . If you ask those with dementia of course they want to go and of course they want their own way as they seem to lose the ability to see what others want only themselves and that is the problem. If it was me I would definetely get respite in and actually have a respite holiday for yourselves. Strange surroundings are not good and as much as we try and convince ourselves that they will be fine, nine times out of ten they are not and you can come back exhausted and disappointed. I think as you are feeling you need to ask deep down you may know the answer which is very hard to accept.

 

[1954]

We took mum away when she could reasonably be happy but it was not a holiday for us! She was having to be constantly supervised and when we went out somewhere nice she would not see further from her nose and asked to go back, all the time . If you ask those with dementia of course they want to go and of course they want their own way as they seem to lose the ability to see what others want only themselves and that is the problem. If it was me I would definetely get respite in and actually have a respite holiday for yourselves. Strange surroundings are not good and as much as we try and convince ourselves that they will be fine, nine times out of ten they are not and you can come back exhausted and disappointed. I think as you are feeling you need to ask deep down you may know the answer which is very hard to accept.

Jaycee23

So true so true. Wished I could have expressed it so well.

Yes respite it will be from now on. I sound hard I know but we came back exhausted/emotionally shot and broke!

Hubby wants his mum in respite in September but I feel we should wait until next spring. Who knows what's best?? Mind you a week away with hubby.......bliss xx

 

[Jaycee23]

Thankyou 1954, I think you deserve a holiday with your hubby and have something to look forward to in this tough old world. Life would not be worth living if we are swept up with emotional guilt if we as much as want to be human. We don't have dementia and its not our FAULT! Dementia can happen to any of us and if it happens to me then the last thing I want is for my children to suffer because of me. If I demand or want then tough. Trouble is when my mum was able to be lucid she was always telling me to put her in the home and have a life but the dementia said different. Happens all the time and will never be any different.
Take care and I hope all of us have a holiday at least four times a year

 

[simpknt]

Taking Janet Away For A Break

thank you to those who responded. I was thinking of taking my partner, Janet (4th year of dementia) for a few days break at a holiday cottage in Pembrokeshire. We went and I thought I would give an update on how it went. We didn't have to come back early, but Janet was a problem, of course. She only went 'nuts' on one occasion when out with our friend. Poor Fiona was shell-shocked for some hours! Janet did demand, loudly, to get off the train at every station. It was a 5-hour journey. On the funnier side, she seemed to have some interesting chats with the log pile outside the cottage! I brought her home on the Wednesday and then went back to the cottage on Friday for a 5-day respite with my brother and his wife. It was very relaxing, but I missed Janet terribly. I organised 24-hour home care for her whilst I was away.

We're very lucky with Social Services in Lewisham. We have two lovely ladies who look after her for four afternoons a week. It costs us £1,000 a month, but money well spent as it gives me a little break.

Would I take Janet away again? No, but I'm glad we gave it a try.

On the home front things are not going so well. Janet has a habit of suddenly dashing out into busy roads because she decides she wants to catch a bus. Her carers are very worried about this and they may refuse to take her out if she carries on doing it. She doesn't do it with me, oddly enough. Probably because I threaten to break her arm if she tries! I can't imagine how ladies cope with male sufferers as the man is likely to be much stronger.

Some of the stories I read on this forum fill me with horror. How on earth do you find the strength to carry on? It puts my problems into perspective, I can tell you.

Thanks for listening. It helps me a lot.

 

[jaymor]

During my husband's 7 year journey we took two cruises, one with my brother and his wife and the second on our own. We holidayed in Italy and Prague. We had a long weekend away in Rome with my brother and his wife and we had several holidays in Ireland staying with my brother. We also did touring holidays of Ireland.

Our last holiday in Ireland was difficult so I decided that 2/3 days away not too far from home was the way to go. The first of these was not good but and the second was horrendous. How I wished I had stopped at the first 3 day. I was wrong to try another short holiday but giving up holidays was such a hard thing to do when we had had so many good ones. It was so difficult to know when to give up on so many thing when dealing with dementia.


Jay xx

 

[Stovey]

Carer/loving wife Sheila

Loved reading all holiday advice. Lucky to have had so many lovely hols over the years but just about coping with 3 nights with difficulty. On a different note has anyone noticed their partner getting unusually high if they have a glass of low calorie low alcohol wine? Could not believe it this weekend.

 

[channa]

Hi David,

My parents emigrated 19 years ago, to live closer to three of their children. Every year they would go back to see their daughter and family. However, my father can't go anymore. My parents live in sheltered living and once a year my mother goes away on her own. My father very much wants to come with her, but the family is not understanding. It hurts very much, but the disastrous things that have happened in the past were worse. My mother needs her break, otherwise she can't handle my father. When she is away, my sisters and I visit my father every day. This helps a bit.

Channa, who loves and respects her father still very much
i

Hi.

I'm in a real quandary about a few days away with my partner. She has dementia. We were going on a four weeks holiday, staying with old friends in places she has visited before. We had to come home after 3 days because Janet just went over the edge and ended up in a comatose state for a couple of hours. We had an incident like this last year when we went away. The trouble is we have paid for a cottage in Pembrokeshire for two weeks. The plan was to have people staying with us the whole time. I intend to go and spend a few days with my brother and his family for a few days in the second week. Janet will have 24-hour care at home during this time. Janet keeps insisting she wants to go to the cottage for the first few days with a friend and me.

I'm very worried that we will have a rerun of the first few days. Our friend says she is happy to at least give it a try and see how it goes. If it happens again, we will come home early. I just don't have the heart to tell Janet she can't go. So as it stands, we are going to give it a go, but I'm so worried. Is this the right decision? Does anybody else on here have this experience? I just don't know what to do for the best.

Thanks for reading.

David

 

[RAINBOWROD]

Holidaying with dementia

This is really for anyone considering a holiday with a partner with dementia. We had a disasterous holiday on the Isle of Man 2 years ago, staying at my wife's late brothers house which she has visited regularly. My wife was virtually suicidal and we had to fly back after 3 days.
Last year we spent 3 weeks touring the West Coast of America and it was a triumph!!!! Our daughter, son in law and their 2 teenage children came with us which was the key to the success of the holiday. My wife had familiar people around her daily even though the hotels were all different and the views changed daily. Sometimes my son in law drove for 8 hours with a stop for lunch. We visited Los Angeles, Palm Springs, The Grand Canyon, Las Vegas, Death Valley, San Fransisco etc.
Timing was everything as it would not be possible to go this year as my wife's sight has deteriorated as has her dementia. We have wonderful memories of our holiday which took a year to plan. I decided to take a wheelchair with us as I had no idea what distances we might have to walk. It came in very handy walking around the rim of the Grand Canyon.

My parents emigrated 19 years ago, to live closer to three of their children. Every year they would go back to see their daughter and family. However, my father can't go anymore. My parents live in sheltered living and once a year my mother goes away on her own. My father very much wants to come with her, but the family is not understanding. It hurts very much, but the disastrous things that have happened in the past were worse. My mother needs her break, otherwise she can't handle my father. When she is away, my sisters and I visit my father every day. This helps a bit.

Channa, who loves and respects her father still very much
i[/QUOTE]

 

[GrannyAnn]

I took my husband for a holiday a couple of years ago and it was a disaster, so I decided never again. That means I am trapped too. I can't send him to a respite care home because that will also upset his routine. I do have people who come to our home three times a week for a couple of hours each time, so am able to shop [I even went swimming a couple of times] without having to worry about him. I lock the front door and hide the key, tho he hasn't tried to go out for months now.

 

[Rageddy Anne]

What do you do if the person with Dementia is aware that a holiday is a possibility, and thinks they are looking forward to it...but WE know it will be a disaster? I can't imagine saying to my husband that I plan to go away but he won't be coming. It would break his heart.

So I try never to mention any holiday possibilities. And he often says " why don't we have a holiday?" He cannot imagine that it won't be like other holidays. So either way, he's puzzled and frustrated, but aware enough to think he's missing something. And I can never get away.

 

[Vin]

Level of the disease

I see someone has mentioned "level six" How does one ascertain this?

My doctor has just said that we shouldn't travel anymore which confirmed what I had already been thinking. My husband had a seizure followed by a scan and it seems he will get more of them. That was the reasoning behind what our doctor had said.

It is six years since he was diagnosed with Alzheimers disease and since the seizure his condition has deteriorated quite rapidly.

I appreciate all that I read on the forum but try not too get too bogged down by the negatives. I am trying to stay positive and still have a life albeit somewhat restricted.

I don't feel I am in a position to comment on the question of a holiday, that is such a personal thing.