Hi I'm new too - my mum diagnosed CVD

Discussion in 'ARCHIVE FORUM: Support discussions' started by LisaE, Jul 2, 2007.

  1. LisaE

    LisaE Registered User

    Jul 2, 2007
    5
    Can some-one help me and my mum (72). She was diagnosed with CVD about a yr ago, although we have weekly 'days of reckoning' that she understands that she has in her own words ' a bit of a memory problem'.

    In April I moved her 60 miles to be nearer to us - so I could help her - no-one was looking after her, although she believes she was 'doing ok on her own', although she could not afford her house, she was very lonely on her own, forgetting Doctor appointments and all sorts. She was very ill in Oct/Nov and dropped 3 dress sizes. I found it difficult to get to see her due to distance. She now lives in a beautiful appartment and capable of feeding, washing shopping and looking after herself. She could if she chose have a really good life. She is trying really hard at making friends and succeeding which is great.

    Mum is terribly depressed and I am being dragged down too. It is affecting my marriage and my children with her nastiness. I want to protect my family and myself - but I am not doing very well.

    No -one has mentioned how manipulating suffers can be.. is this normal? It is my fault I moved her here, although she would cry to me like a baby to 'get her out of her house'. I have depressing ansaphone messages 10 - 12 a day sometimes saying that her life is awful and wish she was back in the South. My birthday was ruined as she made me feel so guilty that I was enjoying myself and she was not invited, however if was a BBQ with my friends & their children 16 of us which she would of hated. Even if she were here she would not join in and be moreose and depressing.

    My friends say to 'harden up' don't take it personally' but the verbal battering and repetition is endless. Early morning and late night phone-calls are becoming exhausting. What do I do? Where do I go from here? It is only going to get worse? I had a beautiful image that Mum would be with us to enjoy our family life but she is making my/our lives a misery. There is no joy or laughs, just aggression, blaming, martyr tears (I've done this for you, but I don't want to be here and you don't want me here) and then she forgets and everything is alright and I feel as though I have gone through an emotional trauma. She accuses me of all sorts of things that are just not true. We now have come to a place where I have to agree with her....but it really hurts. I don't have to be right, but again 'I' m the one who is in the wrong which gives her more to blame me and I am beginning to resent her being around.

    Does anyone have any tools to help.? I have contacted her doctor and she has a new appointment with a doctor consultant phyciatrist up here - she is supposedly on anti-depressants but I don't think she takes them. She is also loosing weight, feeling sick and with panic attacks but is taking no other medication apart from asprin.

    Please help.. I'm a little bit desperate .. but that was quite cathartic!!
     
  2. Skye

    Skye Registered User

    Aug 29, 2006
    17,000
    SW Scotland
    Hi Lisa

    Welcome to TP.

    I can understand why you are so upset. Your dreams of taking care of your mum and including her in your family life have been shattered.

    I'm afraid your mum is showing classic signs of vascular dementia, many of our members are suffering in the same way.

    You have done the right thing in getting her an appointment to see a psychiatrist. There are various medications available, and hopefully he'll be able to try your mum on one of them.

    I'm not much help to you at the moment, I'm afraid, but hopefully it will help you to know you're not alone any more. Post here whenever you like, there will always be someone to listen.

    I hope all goes well with the appointment, let us know, will you?

    Best wishes,
     
  3. sunny

    sunny Registered User

    Sep 1, 2006
    598
    Manipulation

    Lisa, I know what you mean about manipulation and "nastiness" Mum who has vascular dementia has been the same for many years, but when she is a her "true" self (which is diminishing now) she is very sweet. I think you will find that your Mum will have periods where perhaps you can see her real self coming through and that will keep you going, but it is extremely hard, especially when you are such a caring person. I am afraid it is the disease that is causing this "nastiness", it must be that part of the brain that is affected, so your friends are right in saying not to take it personally, but that is easier said than done. Obviously the psychiatrist will be able to advise on medication etc and help you understand the disease better. There is a lot of info on the AS website as well which is useful. Also your local AS branch and Social Services might be able to help. You are going to be in for a tough time, but we know exactly what you are going through because we are going through the same. I think you did right to move her closer to you, because she will need all the help you can give, she can't appreciate that, and in a way it will make it easier for you.
    That saying when the going gets tough, the tough get going certainly springs to mind with us carers of people with AS. Just remember you are not alone and you cannot do this alone and try and get all the help that is on offer.xxxxxxxxSunny.
     
  4. Grannie G

    Grannie G Volunteer Moderator

    Apr 3, 2006
    69,556
    Kent
    Dear Lisa, Welcome to TP.

    I understand exactly what you are going through with your mum.

    My husband is 75. We moved down from the north, 5 years ago to be nearer our son. My husband was longing to come, we had visited for 10 years and he loved the place.

    Now he spends all his life wanting to get back, blaming me, our son and DIL for making him come here.

    I am lucky as I don`t have other responsibilities like you. You have your young family to consider and your mother`s demands must be draining.

    It`s so much easier said than done to `harden up` and `not take it seriously`. The people who give this advice, don`t have to live with personal verbal abuse, constantly repeated questions and unreasonable demands.

    The only way I cope is by walking away from it and trying to shut myself off. Even then, I don`t always succeed. If I feel angry with my husband and distance myself, I eventually feel guilty because I know he can`t help it. If I`m impatient and shut myself off, when he tells me he`s lonely and has no-one to talk to, I feel bad again.

    But when I do give him company, all he talks about is going home, so it`s a no win situation.

    Hopefully, there might be help available firom the psychiatrist. You might also be able to get help from SS, to ensure she eats regularly and takes her medication properly.

    Sorry I can`t be more positive. For what it`s worth, you have my sympathy.

    Love xx
     
  5. LisaE

    LisaE Registered User

    Jul 2, 2007
    5
    ...Today.. I took her phone!

    Today I took Mum's phone! 4 messages asking for it back and for me to bringit to her, ranging from polite sweet and kind to 'WHERE ARE YOU? CALL BACK NOW'! 'THIS IS H**L (opposite of heaven) I DO NOT WANT TO BE HERE'. I was at work, a normal occurance.

    As a treat yesterday I thought I would pick her up as she had been on her own for the day and take her to McDonalds ( I know how to really treat some-one!!), but it was late and the kids hadn't eaten. Consequently I then stole her phone when I picked her up????? No rational at all. The previous week she called out BT to fix it, so he or she must have thrown it away or put it some-where because it was faulty, but she couldn't find it so it was my fault.

    I I hate the horrible messages and everytime the phone goes now I have to brace myself and feel real fear before I answer it. Everytime I think it is Mum with some other tale of woe, negativity and distress that will leave me feeling depressed, emotional and tearful. I did think about getting another telephone line installed at my home and then I can take her calls when I am feeling strong and not when I am low and tired .... or getting rid of the ansaphone.

    The other real problem I have is my husband is away alot of the time so I am like a single parent so dealing with mum, work and kids 24 -7 is making me ill. I am feeling very resentful -my life should not be like this.

    Thank you ladies for your replys. I will try just walking away. Mum can be quite persistant and keep going on at me. Any advice will be greatly appreciated.

    Thank you Sylvia - it made me smile as it is my mothers name! I really wish and pray it was her giving me this advice and I would not be in this situation - that then made me cry.

    Lisa x
     
  6. Taffy

    Taffy Registered User

    Apr 15, 2007
    1,314
    Dear Lisa, I also welcome you to TP. I really feel for you, looking after a family and also working is challenging enough but to also care for someone with dementia:eek: it's no wonder you are feeling down. I do hope that you get some help real soon. Sorry I can't suggest anything helpful but fingers crossed the psychiatrist will be able to suggest the best way to go about behavioural management. I wish you well. Taffy.
     
  7. Margaret W

    Margaret W Registered User

    Apr 28, 2007
    3,725
    North Derbyshire
    Mum and phone etc.

    Oh, gosh, I can't help. This takes me back over the last 15 years since my father in law died, and my mother in law rang us 10 times a day for the next 12 years, about nothing at all. She didn't have dementia, she was just a pest. She would ring to say she was lonely while she had a friend visiting her! I don't know how she managed it but she had visits from 10-12 people a day, and still declared she was lonely. She emotionally blackmailed people to visit her, they didn't visit cos they wanted to but because they couldn't get out of it.

    Anyway for your situation, you have done your best. It sounds to me like it is YOU who needs help in coping with this. Ask your GP for a referral to a stress management consultant or similar. I think you are doing fine, you just need help.

    How to stop mum ringing 10 times a day - you are asking the wrong person, cos I never managed to stop it. It almost engineered a divorce once a month at least. Very, very hard and unreasonable. I wonder if you could say to her "Look mum, would you please limit your calls to twice a day, cos John and I are really under pressure in our jobs and can't cope with more than a couple of calls. If they carry on like this one of us is going to have to give up our job to deal with it". No, probably not a good idea, but just a thought.

    Ooh, I really feel for you with this. We never resolved it until she died.

    In all honesty, you would not be happy at changing your phone number, but do get Caller Display so you know who is ringing and can decide not to answer.

    Hope you find a coping strategy. I do understand the drain on you.

    Much love

    Margaret
     

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