Hi all

[Annie Marie]

I have no idea where to go next.
MWD diagnosed 2019.
Now has severe heart failure following numerous heart attacks.

I’m now retired, living with my parents.
Dad just doesn’t get dementia- keeps asking mum why she repeats things, keeps asking where I am. He’s told her she changes at night and why she does that - sundowning.
He gets pretty frustrated with her - we all know how frustrating it can be.

I’ve suggested outside help - he says that’s his decision not mine.

He says it’s ok for me as I get to do what I want.
That is so not true. I deal with all of the appointments, medications for both parents etc etc. We always end up arguing and the mum defends him!

It’s affecting me now physically and mentally.

I’m desperate to look after Mum to the best of my ability but it’s made harder and harder each day.
I can’t carry on like this but can’t leave Mum!

Any thought ideas or comments gratefully received.
A

 

[leny connery]

I have no idea where to go next.
MWD diagnosed 2019.
Now has severe heart failure following numerous heart attacks.

I’m now retired, living with my parents.
Dad just doesn’t get dementia- keeps asking mum why she repeats things, keeps asking where I am. He’s told her she changes at night and why she does that - sundowning.
He gets pretty frustrated with her - we all know how frustrating it can be.

I’ve suggested outside help - he says that’s his decision not mine.

He says it’s ok for me as I get to do what I want.
That is so not true. I deal with all of the appointments, medications for both parents etc etc. We always end up arguing and the mum defends him!

It’s affecting me now physically and mentally.

I’m desperate to look after Mum to the best of my ability but it’s made harder and harder each day.
I can’t carry on like this but can’t leave Mum!

Any thought ideas or comments gratefully received.
A

 

[leny connery]

It is very difficult as mum still has her husband/dad who understandably feels he has all the rights. he does not get it, and presumably is not interested reading and learning about it, right? I found the hardest thing for me is to learn not to argue. arguing is exhausting and goes nowhere.
It is lovely that you want to help mum but would it be possible to talk with your dad with the GFP or health and care nurse/officer? maybe a professional could help dad understand and accept your help?

 

[Annie Marie]

I have no idea where to go next.
MWD diagnosed 2019.
Now has severe heart failure following numerous heart attacks.

I’m now retired, living with my parents.
Dad just doesn’t get dementia- keeps asking mum why she repeats things, keeps asking where I am. He’s told her she changes at night and why she does that - sundowning.
He gets pretty frustrated with her - we all know how frustrating it can be.

I’ve suggested outside help - he says that’s his decision not mine.

He says it’s ok for me as I get to do what I want.
That is so not true. I deal with all of the appointments, medications for both parents etc etc. We always end up arguing and the mum defends him!

It’s affecting me now physically and mentally.

I’m desperate to look after Mum to the best of my ability but it’s made harder and harder each day.
I can’t carry on like this but can’t leave Mum!

Any thought ideas or comments gratefully received.
A

It is very difficult as mum still has her husband/dad who understandably feels he has all the rights. he does not get it, and presumably is not interested reading and learning about it, right? I found the hardest thing for me is to learn not to argue. arguing is exhausting and goes nowhere.
It is lovely that you want to help mum but would it be possible to talk with your dad with the GFP or health and care nurse/officer? maybe a professional could help dad understand and accept your help?

Thank you for your reply - very much appreciated.
You are spot on! The family dynamic is out of kilter. Dad is a proud man who wants to remain in control. Which I try to respect

 

[Annie Marie]

Thank you for your reply - very much appreciated.
You are spot on! The family dynamic is out of kilter. Dad is a proud man who wants to remain in control. Which I try to respect

Sorry - pressed send too soon.!!
I’ve bought books, printed off articles, taken him to a training course run by local charity.
He doesn’t read the things I give him.
This is affecting his mental health too.

I did try to get Dad to drs but he refused to go.
Think I will try to speak to GP myself and see what they think.

Thanks for listening

 

[Louise7]

Hello @Annie Marie and welcome to the Dementia Support Forum. Sorry to hear about the situation with your parents, unfortunately it's not uncommon for difficulties to arise when someone is struggling to accept or deal with dementia in their partner. It's understandable that this is affecting you, as you are trying to do your best for your mum, but as you're experiencing, arguing with your dad or giving him information to read isn't helping. As this is now effecting you mentally and physically, and your dad's mental health too, it might be helpful for you to speak to someone about the best way forward for you all. Admiral nurses offer support to families, and the Dementia Support Line will also be able to provide personalised advice for you, details below. You will also find friendly support here from people who understand and are happy to help if they can. I hope this helps.

What is an Admiral Nurse and how can they help?

Dementia UK is a charity that provides Admiral Nurses for families affected by dementia. Call our Dementia Helpline to find out how we can support you.

www.dementiauk.org

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk