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He's in Paradise now. But I'm not

Discussion in 'After dementia — dealing with loss' started by EllyPaddington, Dec 26, 2015.

  1. EllyPaddington

    EllyPaddington Registered User

    Feb 3, 2014
    My grandad passed away today. 5 minutes before we arrived, he decided to go when we weren't there on his own terms.

    Except when we got there, we went in to see him. I saw my grandad, cold and soulless, and I don't know how to deal with it. He was lying there, mouth open and eyes closed, his face sunken, his skin mottling and his skin white and cold. And we spent an hour with him.

    I spent an hour sitting in his room unable to take my eyes off of him. My brain is now imprinted with an image of his lifelessness and I don't know how to cope with it. How do I do this? How do I sleep when every time I try to close my eyes all I see is his face?

    I love him so much and want to remember him as the clever grandad I once knew, but no matter how hard I try I simply can't
  2. Dill

    Dill Registered User

    Feb 26, 2011
    Hi EllyPaddington
    I'm so sorry for your loss.
    I know how you are feeling. I went to visit my Dad in his care home and found he had passed away without the carers knowing. It was an enormous shock. I thought I would never forget the way he looked.
    All I can say is this imprint on your brain will pass, just keep trying to think of happy memories and the bad ones will eventually fade. You are in shock at the moment so look after yourself. If you can't sleep, do something to take your take your mind off things and rest when you can.
    Thinking of you, keep posting, writing it here will help you to process things more clearly.
    Dill x
  3. Slugsta

    Slugsta Registered User

    Hi EP, I am so sorry for your loss. I adored my own grandfather and it is easy to remember how devastated I was when he died, even though it is more than 30 years ago.

    What you are experiencing is natural. In time you will be able to remember your grandfather as he was, full of life. For now, it is just something else that has to be endured until time does its healing.

    I hope that you and the rest of your family are able to support each other at this difficult time.
  4. Adcat

    Adcat Registered User

    Jun 15, 2014
    Your in shock. I'm so sorry that you've experienced the passing of your granddad in this way. The intensity of this experience will fade in time. Try and be kind to yourself at this time x
  5. Onlyme

    Onlyme Registered User

    Apr 5, 2010
    Go somewhere quiet, take something he gave you, remember the love that was in the gift. You will realise that while you saw his left-over body his love carries on in your heart. I lost my Mum very recently but have overwritten her death with the love she gave me over the years.

    Very large hugs.
  6. kingmidas1962

    kingmidas1962 Registered User

    Jun 10, 2012
    South Gloucs
    You can also contact CRUSE who offer support and counselling to bereaved people. Even check out their website or try their helpline. I'm so, so sorry for your loss and I can understand why this was so shocking for you x
  7. sue_ellen

    sue_ellen Registered User

    Dec 26, 2015
    I'm so very sorry for your loss. My heart goes out to you

    Sent from my iPhone using Talking Point
  8. Selinacroft

    Selinacroft Registered User

    Oct 10, 2015
    Hi Elly
    Sorry to hear of your loss. You will be haunted for a while by todays images but at least you spent time with him which will help to come to terms with things.
    Why not keep the light on tonight and put tv on quietly. Accept the fact you won't sleep well and don't stress over not sleeping.
    I think facing up to things you have witnessed today will help you grieve and in time the happy memories of your active Grandad will return.
  9. Kristivazq

    Kristivazq Registered User

    Jun 6, 2015
    OH sweetie, I'm so very sorry. You are definitely in shock, but in time you will remember him as he was before this horrid disease. My Dad has only been gone 2 weeks, but already the final days and visions of him as and after he died are starting to fade. I don't think I will ever forget them, mainly because I don't want to. He was there when I came into this world and I was there when he went out. It was as precious to me as it was heartbreaking, but I now also see him smiling that silly crooked smile of his. I don't believe people when they tell me that time will heal all wounds. I think that with time we just learn to live with the situation. I pray that you will find peace and strength in the coming days. Big hugs from America!!

  10. LadyA

    LadyA Registered User

    Oct 19, 2009
    It is a shock, when you realise that what we always thought of as the person we loved is now just an empty shell - they seem to have gone and left it behind. I think that's why we feel so bereft - they've left us behind too. My husband was so poorly when he died - he was no longer mobile, could no longer eat or drink, and was so terribly thin. After he died, I surrounded myself with photos of him in earlier, happier times. I still remember how he was at his death, but the main images I have of him are from earlier times, when he was in better health. Right now, you are probably in a bit of shock, and as time passes, you will find earlier memories coming in. Concentrate on those, and encourage them. xx
  11. Gigglemore

    Gigglemore Registered User

    Oct 18, 2013
    British Isles
    So sorry for your loss. I hope Lady A's suggestion of photos from happier times will help to erase the final image of him, although the memories of the happy times you will never share again will bring their own tears. Take care.
  12. Kristivazq

    Kristivazq Registered User

    Jun 6, 2015
    I have been thinking of you

    How are you doing sweets? I have been worried about you. I hope that you are as well as you can be at this time.

    Just wanted to let you know that we are still thinking of you and caring about you.

    Hugs from New York.

  13. sunray

    sunray Registered User

    Sep 21, 2008
    East Coast of Australia
    In time the image in your head will be overwritten by other images that are part of your grandfather in the past full of the joy of being alive, vital and beaming on you with his loving smile. It took a while for me to recapture that image after my father died. Twelve years later my husband and then my mother died. It took longer for those images to fade but fade they did.

    It is early days for you yet and hopefully the shock will soon wear off. Do look at old photos and recall good times, discuss your grandfather with others who knew and loved him and hopefully happier memories will overlay that image that shocked you so. So sorry it happened this way, I guess nothing really prepares us for our loved ones final exit from life.
  14. Saffie

    Saffie Registered User

    Mar 26, 2011
    Near Southampton
    I too have been haunted by the image of my husband who had died some hours before I was able to see him. It wasn't pleasant and he was so terribly cold. The nursing home had delayed the funeral director's arrival until I had seen him.
    Your image sounds similar to mine.
    I will never forget it but it is now, some 18 months on, one of many rather than the over-riding one.
    You, too, will find that past pictures of your grandfather will lessen the impact of this one. It is after all, not the image of the living grandfather you so obviously loved.
    Lots of sympathy. x

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