Help!!

[cags3]

My Dad was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago and has recently been diagnosed with Alzheimers just recently. In the last few months he has deteriated and his personality is changing. He is becoming aggressive with my mum. She used to use the internet but has had to give that up as he was accusing her of talking to men which is so obviously ridiculous. She has always taken care of their finances and he is now saying that she is stealing from their bank account. Mum is under so much stress she is 78 and dad is 84. My parents are very proud people and see getting help as a failing. Mum is relying more on us to help but we just don't know how too.

I take Mum out once a week and phone her every day but she is becoming more and more tired. Can anyone help with advice on how we can deal with Dad.

 

[fredsnail]

Is your Dad on any medication? If so it maybe worth speaking to his GP or consultant to get the dose changed?

Good luck and keep posting - there will be others with some better advice along soon.

 

[Nebiroth]

It really must be referred to a doctor. Sadly these sort of accusations are very common and almost always aimed at the person nearest yet least likely to have done anything. They are usually caused by delusions (false beliefs). The ideas could come from anything, including plots on TV, anything like that. The idea that someone is stealing money is extremely common too, often the cause is again a delusion about money that never existed, their minds try to make reality (what a bank statement says perhaps) with the false idea (a lot more than the bank statement) the easiest explanation is a thief, no matter how irrational the idea is.

Agression has a habit of getting worse and could be dangerous for an elderly lady. At the very least your mum should make herself a 'safe room' this is somewhere she can lock with a phone available. If she does not have a mobile then buy her one, she should carry it at all times.

Sorry to sound dramatic but agression can turn very nasty without any warning.

As for the refusal to get help, perhaps you could put it to your mum as "ifyou had a broken leg would you go to a doctor, or just take aspirin and hope it would get better?"

Sadly it may be very difficult to get your dad to a doctor as he willlikely think there is nothing wrong with him and his ideas are all normal. To him they are reality.

In that case your mum must go, a doctor will have to listen to her concerns. If she ever feels at risk she must call for an ambulance/police. They have seen all of this before and will know what to do.,

 

[cags3]

Is your Dad on any medication? If so it maybe worth speaking to his GP or consultant to get the dose changed?

Good luck and keep posting - there will be others with some better advice along soon.

Thank you for your reply

 

[cags3]

It really must be referred to a doctor. Sadly these sort of accusations are very common and almost always aimed at the person nearest yet least likely to have done anything. They are usually caused by delusions (false beliefs). The ideas could come from anything, including plots on TV, anything like that. The idea that someone is stealing money is extremely common too, often the cause is again a delusion about money that never existed, their minds try to make reality (what a bank statement says perhaps) with the false idea (a lot more than the bank statement) the easiest explanation is a thief, no matter how irrational the idea is.

Agression has a habit of getting worse and could be dangerous for an elderly lady. At the very least your mum should make herself a 'safe room' this is somewhere she can lock with a phone available. If she does not have a mobile then buy her one, she should carry it at all times.

Sorry to sound dramatic but agression can turn very nasty without any warning.

As for the refusal to get help, perhaps you could put it to your mum as "ifyou had a broken leg would you go to a doctor, or just take aspirin and hope it would get better?"

Sadly it may be very difficult to get your dad to a doctor as he willlikely think there is nothing wrong with him and his ideas are all normal. To him they are reality.

In that case your mum must go, a doctor will have to listen to her concerns. If she ever feels at risk she must call for an ambulance/police. They have seen all of this before and will know what to do.,

Thanks for your response very helpful.

 

[Big Effort]

Some suggestions

Hi Cags3,

This sounds very tough on your mother and I am not surprised she is fraught and tired. Unfortunately aggression and delusions and paranoia are common enough, and if you spend time on the forum, you will read of others with this problem.

Just a few random thoughts.
First, dementia is on the move all the time, so what is a problem today may alter, so there is no guarantee it will be like this for ever.

I think the personality change is often linked to frontal lobe dementia - you could look this up, see other threads about FLD, and google it. Sometimes just understanding what is going on helps us cope better.

For your Mum, I agree a safe room is crucial. One with a lock and a phone, so she can call for help. These are basic safety precautions, especially necessary for an elderly lady. Once she has this safe no-go area, the computer and financial stuff can be moved in there..... so while it isn't perfect, she can still get on line and also pay bills etc.

Also, I think she would really appreciate all the help she can get. If there are siblings, off-spring and so on, getting time off and away would be a mercy. Perhaps you could organise a rota, so she knows that at some time of the day, she will be free to be herself and think her own thoughts. Having to think for the ill person is so so so wearing. If this were me, this is what I would like my children to do.

These are just suggestions, but I hope some thing can be done to ease this poor lady's distress and let her rest from time to time. All the best, BE

 

[cags3]

Hi Cags3,

This sounds very tough on your mother and I am not surprised she is fraught and tired. Unfortunately aggression and delusions and paranoia are common enough, and if you spend time on the forum, you will read of others with this problem.

Just a few random thoughts.
First, dementia is on the move all the time, so what is a problem today may alter, so there is no guarantee it will be like this for ever.

I think the personality change is often linked to frontal lobe dementia - you could look this up, see other threads about FLD, and google it. Sometimes just understanding what is going on helps us cope better.

For your Mum, I agree a safe room is crucial. One with a lock and a phone, so she can call for help. These are basic safety precautions, especially necessary for an elderly lady. Once she has this safe no-go area, the computer and financial stuff can be moved in there..... so while it isn't perfect, she can still get on line and also pay bills etc.

Also, I think she would really appreciate all the help she can get. If there are siblings, off-spring and so on, getting time off and away would be a mercy. Perhaps you could organise a rota, so she knows that at some time of the day, she will be free to be herself and think her own thoughts. Having to think for the ill person is so so so wearing. If this were me, this is what I would like my children to do.

These are just suggestions, but I hope some thing can be done to ease this poor lady's distress and let her rest from time to time. All the best, BE

Thank you for your advice My sister and I are trying to sort something out with getting my mum out a bit more so she can have some me time. My brother lives quite away away and can't get down so often. Problem is she don't like leaving my dad it's very difficult.

 

[little shettie]

I had similar problems with my mum and dad though its mum with the dementia and she was violent to dad, he was quite unsteady on his feet and mum shoved him over several times and stabbed him in the back of the hand with a knife!! Its such a difficult situation but dad refused help initially but we took it upon ourselves to get some help and with carers coming in it did help. Sadly he passed away in Feb this year and we are left to deal with mum from a distance as we do not live that close to her. You must be insistant about your mum asking for help and getting dad onto some meds that will help calm him. I wish you luck and hope things are sorted out for all your sakes. x

 

[cags3]

I had similar problems with my mum and dad though its mum with the dementia and she was violent to dad, he was quite unsteady on his feet and mum shoved him over several times and stabbed him in the back of the hand with a knife!! Its such a difficult situation but dad refused help initially but we took it upon ourselves to get some help and with carers coming in it did help. Sadly he passed away in Feb this year and we are left to deal with mum from a distance as we do not live that close to her. You must be insistant about your mum asking for help and getting dad onto some meds that will help calm him. I wish you luck and hope things are sorted out for all your sakes. x

Thank you for your reply and sorry for your loss. I will tell mum to insist on some medication for Dad. Hopefully that will help.