Help!

[Cocoa2]

It feels like we’re a bit lost and out of our depth right now. Dad has dementia but has been ok and still lives a busy varied lifestyle. This week he has been totally out of character and believes that something is going on with my mum, that she’s having an affair, and has been aggressive, nasty and constant with his shouting and accusations. It’s totally not him as he’s the most placid man ever!
It got to the stage that I had to be with them to try (unsuccessfully) to calm him down. He ended up collapsing, mini heart attack and is now in hospital. Thought he might have forgotten about it and why he was so angry but every time he sees mum, or he rings her it’s the same accusations again. How can we deal with this? Is he likely to forget and go back to his calm self? If he gets the all clear for his heart today he will come out of hospital but I can’t have him so nasty and angry at mum. They’re both in their 70s and we have no outside help as yet. Has anyone been through this kind of behaviour?
Please help!!!! Any advice greatly appreciated!!

 

[Jessbow]

Sadly people with dementia imaginee all sorts of strange things.

Unfortunately you wont change his mind, as far as he is concerned , its true!

Things like this often ramp up where the person has an infection or is unwell, Hopefully things will improve before he comes home

 

[Cocoa2]

Sadly people with dementia imaginee all sorts of strange things.

Unfortunately you wont change his mind, as far as he is concerned , its true!

Things like this often ramp up where the person has an infection or is unwell, Hopefully things will improve before he comes home

Thankyou for replying, I’m totally out of my depth here, it just seems like a switch went in dads head on Wednesday and he’s rapidly changed.
He’s been tested for infection and he wasn’t unwell. How do we cope? ?

 

[Bunpoots]

Hi @Cocoa2 welcome to Dementia Talking Point

I’m assuming your dad hasn’t had any recent change of medication to potentially cause these changes? My dad had very vivid dreams while he was on 10mg of Donepezil which caused a lot of upset and out of character behaviour. It took me months to figure out what was happening. He was fine on 5mg.

I found that agreeing with my dad generally kept him calm but obviously you don’t want to agree that your mum is having an affair!! Perhaps something in this will help https://forum.alzheimers.org.uk/threads/compassionate-communication-with-the-memory-impaired.30801/

I’m keeping my fingers crossed that your dad will have calmed down by the time he comes home. If he hasn’t then please let his GP know what’s going on as sometimes medication can help to calm the PWD (person with dementia).

I think it’s a good idea to get carers in if possible as it sounds as though your dad’s condition is getting worse and he may behave better for someone else. My dad was always much more co-operative with people in uniform than he was with me! Even if it’s just someone to to the cleaning to start with it’ll help your mum and get your dad used to having strangers in the house.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @Cocoa2

Unfortunately these accusations are quite usual in some people with dementia. They are very hurtful and reasoning will have flown out of the window so denial falls on deaf ears.

I really don`t know how I`d have coped with this.

I can only suggest you contact the Dementia Connect Helpline

Dementia Support Line

If you need dementia support, we’re here for you. Get personalised information, support and advice by calling us on 0333 150 3456.

www.alzheimers.org.uk

Monday to Wednesday	9am – 8pm
Thursday and Friday	9am – 5pm
Saturday and Sunday	10am – 4pm

 

[canary]

I had accusations of having affairs and he was also convinced that our daughter was not his (she is). I think it stemmed from a fear of being abandoned, because at some level he knew he could not cope without me, but he was unable to understand this. He was convinced that there was nothing wrong with him and I was making up stories about him (its called anosognosia), so his brain concocted the delusion that I was having an affair to make sense of the fear of abandonment.

It has passed now, but it was a very difficult time and he was more able then, so I could go out and leave him when he started going on about it. Verbal aggression can easily turn into physical aggression, so I think you are right to be concerned. I would get in contact with the hospital Social Worker and explain your concerns. If he does get sent home, tell your mum to keep a charged mobile phone on her at all times and if he kicks off call the police. The police are used to dealing with this sort of thing and have the authority to call out the emergency psychiatric team, and they will send a report to SS. This will start the ball rolling to get your dad the help he needs

 

[Cocoa2]

Thankyou everyone for your advice, it really does help to hear from other people, think maybe mum might benefit from this forum too.
One more question that maybe someone could answer. Will dad forget about this so called affair? Or will this be how he thinks all the time? And how can it be so sudden? Fine one day then all this aggression and confusion? I’m struggling to understand

 

[Cocoa2]

I had accusations of having affairs and he was also convinced that our daughter was not his (she is). I think it stemmed from a fear of being abandoned, because at some level he knew he could not cope without me, but he was unable to understand this. He was convinced that there was nothing wrong with him and I was making up stories about him (its called anosognosia), so his brain concocted the delusion that I was having an affair to make sense of the fear of abandonment.

It has passed now, but it was a very difficult time and he was more able then, so I could go out and leave him when he started going on about it. Verbal aggression can easily turn into physical aggression, so I think you are right to be concerned. I would get in contact with the hospital Social Worker and explain your concerns. If he does get sent home, tell your mum to keep a charged mobile phone on her at all times and if he kicks off call the police. The police are used to dealing with this sort of thing and have the authority to call out the emergency psychiatric team, and they will send a report to SS. This will start the ball rolling to get your dad the help he needs

Oh my goodness, thankyou. I think it’s exactly that, mum wanted to go out on her own and it’s stemmed from there. We want her to have some time for herself and she desperately needs it. Now we’re worried about his heart if he’s going to work himself up so much, and it doesn’t help that I was with him, he’s still so angry with her

 

[canary]

Your dad will forget, but I dont know how long it will take. In OHs case it came on suddenly too. It seems to be the way it happens. My mum suddenly decided that an old and very dear friend of hers was stealing from her (thats a common delusion too). It went away once mum moved into her care home and in OHs case it passed once I gave up work. In both these cases it stopped once they were not left alone, so it may (and Im only saying may) have been triggered by him being "left" in hospital and will go away once he is home. But please dont depend on that,

 

[canary]

Crossed posts.
OK, if it started at home before hospital and stems from your mum wanting to go out, that is more dangerous. Could you arrange for him to go to day care so that he is not left alone and your mum can have some time alone?