HELP PLEASE AT START OF A JOURNEY

[Kar]

Dear all
I am looking for help as to what to do for the best for my 83year old mother.
She is at the moment very sick has necrotic toes due to lack of blood flow linked partly to having type 2 diabetes she has had usual memory loss for someone of her age but this year I have seen other signs this is begins she got this problem end of November which is a long process of therapy in the HO ever the loss of these toes.
This year she was more weak less willing to change clothes wash often aggressive to me.
She is not always showing this so people assume she’s ok don’t have a good gp how can I get a diagnosis if it’s vascular dementia?
I adore her she is my best friend & I feel I am loosing her she can’t cope with this problem now forgets everything including where my father is he died 31 years ago at 53 so she is often crying and very sad missing him so much.
Sometimes I think she looks vacant & her hearing seems to have got bad.
She looks ok has always looked 20 years younger than her age which again makes doctors think she’s ok.
I am so unsure who can help me as maybe a drug could help her be normal again.
Any views would be very much appreciated as she has since sick this last month was 2 nights in hospital shown real delerium and been ranting once all night how can I sleep or be there fir her when she’s like this,
I feel at my wits end this is all new to me and I just want her back .
Sorry for rambling on
Thank you all

 

[AliceA]

Share your concerns with her GP. Have you got Lasting Power of Attorney in place for Welfare and also Financial. This gives you a stronger voice.
I have some empathy for looks, I have a young face so although I am your mother's generation, I am asked what work I do. Even doctors query my age.
I point out tersely that I am young from the neck up but the rest is not!
It certainly means it does your Mum no favours when needing help.
You need to keep a diary.
Has she got Attendence Allowance? If not apply but do get Age Uk to help fill in the forms. We tend to gloss over what we do because we love the person.
Infections cause delirium, once over things usually normalise.

 

[Grannie G]

don’t have a good gp

Try writing down all your concerns about your mother @Kar.

As Alice advised, keep a diary of all your mother`s confusion and behaviours which worry you. Don`t forget to include the dates and times so the GP will begin to understand the severity of your mother's poor health.

 

[Kar]

Thank you for the advise but the gp wouldn’t care maybe I will get hospital consultant to assist. It’s very hard as my mothers deteriation is do quick probably due to her current toes problem.

 

[Susan11]

Thank you for the advise but the gp wouldn’t care maybe I will get hospital consultant to assist. It’s very hard as my mothers deteriation is do quick probably due to her current toes problem.

Is there another Dr at the Surgery you can ask to see?
You need the support of a sympathetic Dr .

 

[Kar]

Share your concerns with her GP. Have you got Lasting Power of Attorney in place for Welfare and also Financial. This gives you a stronger voice.
I have some empathy for looks, I have a young face so although I am your mother's generation, I am asked what work I do. Even doctors query my age.
I point out tersely that I am young from the neck up but the rest is not!
It certainly means it does your Mum no favours when needing help.
You need to keep a diary.
Has she got Attendence Allowance? If not apply but do get Age Uk to help fill in the forms. We tend to gloss over what we do because we love the person.
Infections cause delirium, once over things usually normalise.

 

[Kar]

We live in London no one cares our old go retired then we changed to this practice as one office is in same road so for convience changed was ok at first now have too many patients and have no time for the elderly I think her viewpoint is well what do you expect she is old so could not talk to her about my mother.
Thank you fir your kind reply

 

[Kar]

Thankyou she does get attendance allowance huw do you go about getting lasting power of attorney re welfare etc
That is maybe why the hospital doctors sometimes talk to her she doesn’t o e always hear them as has suddenly lost a lot of hearing and she doesn’t understand she is only now knowing her toes will go but sort of not they don’t understand that.
She told me they talk about my toes as if they are nothing but as she said they are part of me and served me well all this time she u deters dis that’s sort of callous.
On some respects she’s very switched on other days not.
It’s hard I am I my child so have all the responsibility and want to do the right thing my mother was always the Carer for everyone else capable very strong and hardworking drove until 10 years ago climbed ladders painted gardened until 2 years ago so very hard to accept her deteriation.
Thank yog

 

[Kar]

Thankyou she does get attendance allowance huw do you go about getting lasting power of attorney re welfare etc
That is maybe why the hospital doctors sometimes talk to her she doesn’t o e always hear them as has suddenly lost a lot of hearing and she doesn’t understand she is only now knowing her toes will go but sort of not they don’t understand that.
She told me they talk about my toes as if they are nothing but as she said they are part of me and served me well all this time she u deters dis that’s sort of callous.
On some respects she’s very switched on other days not.
It’s hard I am I my child so have all the responsibility and want to do the right thing my mother was always the Carer for everyone else capable very strong and hardworking drove until 10 years ago climbed ladders painted gardened until 2 years ago so very hard to accept her deteriation.
Thank yog

 

[Kar]

Ps sorry about spelling predictive text

 

[Grannie G]

huw do you go about getting lasting power of attorney re welfare etc

Hello @Kar

Your best bet is a solicitor who will draw it up for you. This can only be with your mother`s agreement that you can act for her and also if her doctors agree she has the mental capacity to make such a decision.

 

[Susan11]

Hello @Kar

Your best bet is a solicitor who will draw it up for you. This can only be with your mother`s agreement that you can act for her and also if her doctors agree she has the mental capacity to make such a decision.

I would try Age UK or CAB. before you go to a solicitor . They have lots of experience ,

 

[Kar]

Hello @Kar

Your best bet is a solicitor who will draw it up for you. This can only be with your mother`s agreement that you can act for her and also if her doctors agree she has the mental capacity to make such a decision.

Thank you I do have a solicitor I will contact him.

 

[AliceA]

Good luck, let us all know how it goes for you.

 

[Kar]

I would try Age UK or CAB. before you go to a solicitor . They have lots of experience ,

Thank you I will call them have already told my mother we should do this she understands and agrees she had been ok today all day looking like infection coupled with the drugs is causing this dementia
Many thanks all

 

[Kar]

Good luck, let us all know how it goes for you.

Will do I am getting really worn out with this doctors in hospital haven’t even asked if I can cope or how my mother might cope iv drugs daily etc etc assume we can cope well only because I am a carer ti my mother as took early retirement am
so free ti do this otherwise I would have to loose a job I was working full time until 2 years ago ..Its tough beginning to think should be a op they just won’t soens money on it they meaning nhs
Bye for now & Thankyou all so much for your support .

 

[Kar]

Will do I am getting really worn out with this doctors in hospital haven’t even asked if I can cope or how my mother might cope iv drugs daily etc etc assume we can cope well only because I am a carer ti my mother as took early retirement am
so free ti do this otherwise I would have to loose a job I was working full time until 2 years ago ..Its tough beginning to think should be a op they just won’t soens money on it they meaning nhs
Bye for now & Thankyou all so much for your support .

Sorry predictive text is spend not soens

 

[AliceA]

Yes, you are right nobody checks!
My husband was asked it he wanted to go home! Of course he did.
The consultant as asked if he had any one to look after him, yes he said my wife can do everything.
I had no warning, just a call to say pick him up.
No one asked whether I had access to transport, about the suitability of the home, my own health issues. It was a late Friday decision so no chance of me getting any help.
It is shocking.

 

[Kar]

Yes, you are right nobody checks!
My husband was asked it he wanted to go home! Of course he did.
The consultant as asked if he had any one to look after him, yes he said my wife can do everything.
I had no warning, just a call to say pick him up.
No one asked whether I had access to transport, about the suitability of the home, my own health issues. It was a late Friday decision so no chance of me getting any help.
It is shocking.

Hi Alice A
I am sorry to hear that .
I hope your situation improves with my mother she’s not diagnosed but I can tell the signs & yes before her issues she has old age forgetfulness but buts if problem were creeping in ie not wanting to get up dress change or wash said too weak tired etc then the toe issues started & much much worse has bouts now of ranting crying loss of bowels etc maybe enhanced by infection but very hard to deal with .
I am not sure how to get help I want her at home with me . I don’t have a understanding gp so where do I go fir even a diagnosis as maybe s drug would help her brain?
Meant to go to have her mid line fitted later today that will be such a challenge for me she gets car sick agitated in the cars & it’s like a battle getting her to any hospital apt.
Good luck with your situation it’s so hard .

 

[AliceA]

Dear Kar, I hope you manage to get to the medical appointment. It must be extremely difficult.
You need the diagnosis, this would allow Attendence Allowance and a reduction in Council tax.
You need to get your GP on board, most surgeries have several so go to one that may be more empathetic.
Take a diary of events, moods etc. Make if brief and concise.
Take a list of questions.
Say you are at your wits end and not sure how you will cope.
Infections change behaviour in older people too.
Your mother could be depressed as well, her anxiety could be helped perhaps but there is no magic pill for the brain as yet.
There is drug treatment to help but not cure Alzheimer's people will share their experience on here.
Vascular dementia is different, there is medication to keep blood pressure extra low but that depends.
I do not have medical expertise.

We are almost four years on from when my husband was sent home. In the short term, after a bad weekend, I tried to get equipment to help me manage. I wanted to borrow for speed. I was sent to Social Services and my husband was given two weeks hospital at home. He should not have been sent home and his health had deteriorated over the weekend.
I have learned a lot over the last few years. My own age and health have not helped as I am your mothers age.
We still cope at home but appointments are a nightmare as we have no transport.

Do make sure that you have power of attorney for both financial and health and welfare.
Make sure you get a Carers Assessment this will give you advice and some support for yourself.
You must look after yourself so you are able to look after your mother. I found my local Carers Association and they gave local advice.

Take care, Alice