Help! Mum in Dementia Hospital Unit and Dad having major heart surgery

[MissBB]

Hello there
Things are getting on top of me and I wondered if anyone has been through this - both parents seriously ill.
Mum has been in a specialist dementia unit since January, and some months last year too.
She was sectioned twice. A care home was tried out but unfortunately she wouldn't settle so back in dementia ward.
Dad (82) has been visiting every day since January - totally devoted. But he's got a heart complaint and collapsed last saturday - now in hospital with a date for major heart surgery at Papworth.
I live away, have a small child. Have been visiting weekly then fortnightly for a year - but now with dad ill too feel I should be there more. He's really worried mum will forget him.
I try all the reassurance... tell him it's out of our control. But he just keeps on needing me to say it over and over again (I worry about his state of mind!). Along with all sorts of other things he needs from me. I'm doing my best, being patient, kind, visiting as much as poss. But tonight I just flipped out! I'm so fed up with it!
This is such a nightmare and it feels like it's just going on and on. I never have energy for my child. My marriage is strained. My part time job is suffering... and I see it going on for years

 

[FozzyC]

I really feel for you. Dad has mixed dementia, mom complex medical issues, multiple falls and broken bones. Not at same stage as your parents yet, dad's early stages, mom has been ill for years though. I know the pressure of dealing with two parents with their own issues and the dynamics of their relationship too. At end of my tether.

Sorry, just sending some empathy, and also to say you need to think where your energies need to be devoted (easy for me to say) but you have a young child and I would put my priorities with the future, you never get those childhood years back.

Would any parent choose this for their child? I know my parents would be appalled if they knew how my life is dominated by their plight.

 

[MissBB]

Thanks fozzyc. It so helps to hear these words from people who are going through similar.
My husband is supportive but he doesn't know what it feels like - the emotional enormity of it. And at time I think he's just plain fed up with it too.
Sometimes I just need a big old moan to let off steam... Thank goodness I can do this here.
Thank you for your kind and sensible words and empathy.
I hope you are also managing to retain some energy for yourself - be kind and considerate to yourself too xx


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[FozzyC]

It's a mess isn't it, but we are all doing our best, I don't have the tools and capability of many on this forum and hats off to them!

I loved and relied on my parents and we were so so close, that makes the guilt monster so huge, but it's not sustainable. I have a friend who I admire beyond words as her mom was given eight weeks and made bit less than that with terminal cancers, it was beyond belief, but it had an end and what I have with two parents doesn't have a defined end point. I should be grateful, and I am, but it's a blessing loaded with so much more?xx

 

[MissBB]

Yes it's the 'ongoing' bit that at times seems so hard - but I know exactly what you mean - when 'the end' comes that will be bad too! I see a counsellor - that helps - constant adjustment and finding coping mechanisms. He helps me to keep negative thought patterns at bay - mindfulness - be aware they they are just thoughts...
Dealing with guilt is a constant for me too. But I know I am doing as much as I can with limits - those limits are a) not make myself ill and b) retain some energy for my own family and myself. I think my parents would forgive me for that. I don't think they'd want my life to completely fall apart. Its a bottomless pit so u have to set limits, and if u didn't (and fell apart) u'd probably still feel guilty! So try to set the limits guilt free. (Altho even saying all this I feel I'm being too hard!)
Everyone deals with this unchartered territory in their own way.
Thank you for replying again I find it so helpful to be in touch with people going through similar. Xx


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