Mum's birthday today - 83 years old - came with the realisation that she doesn't know who I am!
I don't see her as often as my heart would like - circumstances, working long hours, no independent car, as well as that horrific feeling almost always after leaving her,selfish it might be, but it makes me a mental wreck for days/weeks after.
Constant repetition of questions: are you taking me home, you're not going to leave me here on my own are you,why am I living here I don't know anyone, why aren't I in the town where I used to live, who made the decision for me to be here, what right did they have to take me away from my home - glaring into my eyes!
Me thinking, to hell with it,do I tell her yes, it was my decision that she came to live near me because her son didn't want her near to him! No, of course not, I do know she doesn't mean to hurt me but the fact is that it hurts so much.
There are, of course nicer moments between all of this - Mum does actually say nicer things to me now than she ever did - maybe that's because she doesn't recognise me!!!
I've really had enough - how can I believe in a God when Mum is in this situation - she is so terribly lonely - lonely for what I don't think she knows but she knows it's not right - it's so cruel as you all know.
I'm just not sure where I can get any more strength from - it's certainly not from my own sons or husband at the moment - they're far too selfish to pay anything other than lip service to my feelings.
I feel like a robot - do, do do - when am I going to get get get (not love, 'cos they all say they do that already, but true understanding and demonstration of caring not only for me but for their Nan). Husband says I shouldn't try to make sons visit - when Mum comes home for a couple of hours the boys/men are always pleased to see her and they say they feel bad about not visiting her in the Home but, well, I guess it's their life isn't it.
I've rambled enough - was so very angry. Even angry with my beloved departed Dad - why can't he help to get Mum out of here!!!
I despair, I feel like s--t, am treated like s--t. Boy am I sounding like a martyr. I'm just so fed up with all of it!!
Thanks for your ears!
MiserablE
I don't see her as often as my heart would like - circumstances, working long hours, no independent car, as well as that horrific feeling almost always after leaving her,selfish it might be, but it makes me a mental wreck for days/weeks after.
Constant repetition of questions: are you taking me home, you're not going to leave me here on my own are you,why am I living here I don't know anyone, why aren't I in the town where I used to live, who made the decision for me to be here, what right did they have to take me away from my home - glaring into my eyes!
Me thinking, to hell with it,do I tell her yes, it was my decision that she came to live near me because her son didn't want her near to him! No, of course not, I do know she doesn't mean to hurt me but the fact is that it hurts so much.
There are, of course nicer moments between all of this - Mum does actually say nicer things to me now than she ever did - maybe that's because she doesn't recognise me!!!
I've really had enough - how can I believe in a God when Mum is in this situation - she is so terribly lonely - lonely for what I don't think she knows but she knows it's not right - it's so cruel as you all know.
I'm just not sure where I can get any more strength from - it's certainly not from my own sons or husband at the moment - they're far too selfish to pay anything other than lip service to my feelings.
I feel like a robot - do, do do - when am I going to get get get (not love, 'cos they all say they do that already, but true understanding and demonstration of caring not only for me but for their Nan). Husband says I shouldn't try to make sons visit - when Mum comes home for a couple of hours the boys/men are always pleased to see her and they say they feel bad about not visiting her in the Home but, well, I guess it's their life isn't it.
I've rambled enough - was so very angry. Even angry with my beloved departed Dad - why can't he help to get Mum out of here!!!
I despair, I feel like s--t, am treated like s--t. Boy am I sounding like a martyr. I'm just so fed up with all of it!!
Thanks for your ears!
MiserablE