My Mum was diagnosed with dementia 2 years ago. She lives alone, I live abroad and my siblings are scattered around the UK. The problem is that up until now she has been living on her own with carers visits morning and evening, I visit every 4-6 weeks. She has been comfortable and happy until recently. I have been doing her grocery shopping online but now she can no longer use microwave, oven or toaster. So is not eating very well. She refuses to allow the carers to prepare anything for her and absolutely refuses pre prepared food to be delivered. She gets very angry and aggressive when new people come into the house and has created many problems amongst the carers accusing them of all sorts of things( completely unfounded) when they try to persuade her to do anything. Can anyone give me any advice as the best way to proceed. I do have appointments at the memory clinic next week and with her GP but any input would be welcome
Help in caring for Mum
- Thread starter Roly59
- Start date
Hi Roly,
What a difficult situation you are in.
I am sorry but I don't have any answers except to suggest a social services assessment to reassess your mums needs and see if they can offer any help.
Hopefully the GP and memory clinic will be of help when you see them.
My own mum lives alone and is reluctant to carers. Her eating habits (along with lots of other habits) are slowly deteriorating, though not too bad at the moment, and I only live 45 minutes away. It must be so difficult when you live abroad.
best wishes
brambles x
What a difficult situation you are in.
I am sorry but I don't have any answers except to suggest a social services assessment to reassess your mums needs and see if they can offer any help.
Hopefully the GP and memory clinic will be of help when you see them.
My own mum lives alone and is reluctant to carers. Her eating habits (along with lots of other habits) are slowly deteriorating, though not too bad at the moment, and I only live 45 minutes away. It must be so difficult when you live abroad.
best wishes
brambles x
Roly59 I wish I had a solution to offer. I also lived a long way from mum and trying to do anything from a distance is always harder.
My mum was just like this and even the Mental Health specialist OT couldn't come up with any solution other than just buying snack type foods which didn't need any preparation eg cold meat, pork pies, cheese, prepared fruit, yoghurts, mousse type deserts etc. Occasionally the carers would persuade to let them prepare some thing hot but not regularly.
We were still battling with this when mum fell, ultimately this led to her moving into residential care. We thought at least this would solve the food problem, as there were lovely freshly-prepared meals and snacks available. It didn't. Her appetite continued to be very poor, she continued to lose weight and eventually she stopped eating altogether. It was only very late in the day that we realised that all the practical problems we had been trying to solve while she was at home were really just masking the fundamental issue that she just didn't want to eat.
Would your mum consider any of the lunch clubs/day centre options? It didn't work for my mum, but I know that a lot of TP members find this helps their relatives to have a decent meal at least on a few days per week.
My mum was just like this and even the Mental Health specialist OT couldn't come up with any solution other than just buying snack type foods which didn't need any preparation eg cold meat, pork pies, cheese, prepared fruit, yoghurts, mousse type deserts etc. Occasionally the carers would persuade to let them prepare some thing hot but not regularly.
We were still battling with this when mum fell, ultimately this led to her moving into residential care. We thought at least this would solve the food problem, as there were lovely freshly-prepared meals and snacks available. It didn't. Her appetite continued to be very poor, she continued to lose weight and eventually she stopped eating altogether. It was only very late in the day that we realised that all the practical problems we had been trying to solve while she was at home were really just masking the fundamental issue that she just didn't want to eat.
Would your mum consider any of the lunch clubs/day centre options? It didn't work for my mum, but I know that a lot of TP members find this helps their relatives to have a decent meal at least on a few days per week.
Hello and thank you for your comments. Mum is a very stubborn lady, always has been. She is very resistant to having anybody in the house and refuses point blank to have her food prepared. I am ordering cold meats etc but she won't eat them. I'm hoping that she will reassessed soon by the social work and we can then make a plan but she is not easy to help and turns against either my brother or me if we try and instigate change. I am hoping that I will get some help next week when I am over.
This is a tough one Roly and you have my sympathies as we were in the same place 2 years ago. The only way we solved it is when mum ended up in hospital due to poor self care and was told she was only allowed home if she agreed to let the 'nurses' come in to administer her medication. From that point the carers slowly took over the things she wasn't doing (but she insisted she was perfectly capable of doing). The carers told her they felt awkward not doing anything and they would get the sack so bit by bit it all got done. She's been on 4 visits a day and they've done a great job with her, she and the house are clean, she's well fed and the regular medication has kept her well.
Good luck and best wishes
Good luck and best wishes
My mum was the same Roly. I got meals on wheels & told mum she had to let the man bring the meals or he'd lose his job. She often threw the mains away, but usually ate the sweet 
We made sure she had snack bits, but she would leave fridge stuff in the larder so there was that worry. Mum didn't used to drink enough either.
Eventually she had to go into a CH, where she's been for almost 4 years.
Very difficult for you & I hope you get some help soon.
Lin x
We made sure she had snack bits, but she would leave fridge stuff in the larder so there was that worry. Mum didn't used to drink enough either.
Eventually she had to go into a CH, where she's been for almost 4 years.
Very difficult for you & I hope you get some help soon.
Lin x
Hi Roly. I went through this with my mother (she in the UK and me in the US) even though she was generally compliant with care.
I'm wondering: you say she gets upset with new people coming in? Are you using an agency to provide care? Because that can result in an awful lot of new faces and cause upsets. It might be difficult to manage from overseas, but I'm wondering if employing carers yourself might be an option? Honestly, it wasn't until Mummy was in extra sheltered housing where she saw the same staff day in, day out that we achieved any kind of equilibrium.
The 4 months when we employed agency staff was definitely spotty I'm afraid.
I'm wondering: you say she gets upset with new people coming in? Are you using an agency to provide care? Because that can result in an awful lot of new faces and cause upsets. It might be difficult to manage from overseas, but I'm wondering if employing carers yourself might be an option? Honestly, it wasn't until Mummy was in extra sheltered housing where she saw the same staff day in, day out that we achieved any kind of equilibrium.
The 4 months when we employed agency staff was definitely spotty I'm afraid.
She sounds very much like my mum, and with my one nothing worked. She wasn't capable of looking after herself but she was in complete denial and all help offered or spotted resulted in paranoia.
Her self neglect got so bad she was going to be sectioned, so I tricked her into going into a care home. I said we were going on holiday. Yup, her illness turned me into a massive liar.
It took her a while, as in months, to settle, but to be brutally honest she was no worse off for being there, even when not happy about it. It's not like she was happy in her own home, thinking things on the TV were real, 'seeing' people in her kitchen, always confabulating some wrong doing against her... At least in the care home her lack of happiness was offset by good food, regular washing, warmth and company, if she wanted it.
And then she settled and things have been fine (touch wood!!!) for quite some time. She clearly likes where she is, has friends, lots of activities she enjoys and the big cherry on top is that as soon as they took her I could stop worrying about her personal safety, at least. I still get sad about all kinds of things but the bottom line is that I can't cure her, and if she's to have any happiness or pleasure it's not going to be found in an isolated, filthy and cold house, living as she was before.
We had a similar problem with FIL He accepted (to our amazement) a carer coming in to give him his tablets once a day but would not let the same lady make him as much as a cup of tea then or when she came back later to try and make him a meal. Social services were very good and the girls tried for something like 4 or 5 weeks with afternoon visits to get him something to eat and he simply refused. A couple of times they tried to push it by trying to open a tin of soup for him but he got so upset with them they had to give up.
He was literally living on marmalade sandwiches and 'tea' at this point. We went over to visit and make him a meal once a week and a neighbour would give him something probably once or twice a week as well but he simply would not accept anything else.
Sadly it took him falling and a hospital visit to find out how bad he actually was (living in the same clothes day and night, not washing and verging on totally incontinent, very unstable on his feet, absolutely no sense of date or time and realistically no sense of understanding of the world around him and thus no sense of risk or danger). He went straight from the hospital into a home - much to our relief I must say.
What amazed us was that he didn't have the problems we expected when he was in the home. We expected all the demands to go home, complaints about the carers interfering etc etc. and didn't get a cheap That was why we had held off trying to put him in a home because we expected he would fight it and then nothing...
The only explanation that we could come up with was that the familiarity of his home triggered thoughts that he could (should) do things whereas without those visual triggers he accepted help.
Your Mum sounds a bit more "with it" than FIL was by that point but if she won't accept help at home unfortunately she might end up in a home sooner than might otherwise be the case
Good luck getting something sorted out.
He accepted (to our amazement) a carer coming in to give him his tablets once a day but would not let the same lady make him as much as a cup of tea then or when she came back later to try and make him a meal. Social services were very good and the girls tried for something like 4 or 5 weeks with afternoon visits to get him something to eat and he simply refused. A couple of times they tried to push it by trying to open a tin of soup for him but he got so upset with them they had to give up.He was literally living on marmalade sandwiches and 'tea' at this point. We went over to visit and make him a meal once a week and a neighbour would give him something probably once or twice a week as well but he simply would not accept anything else.
Sadly it took him falling and a hospital visit to find out how bad he actually was (living in the same clothes day and night, not washing and verging on totally incontinent, very unstable on his feet, absolutely no sense of date or time and realistically no sense of understanding of the world around him and thus no sense of risk or danger). He went straight from the hospital into a home - much to our relief I must say.
What amazed us was that he didn't have the problems we expected when he was in the home. We expected all the demands to go home, complaints about the carers interfering etc etc. and didn't get a cheap
That was why we had held off trying to put him in a home because we expected he would fight it and then nothing...The only explanation that we could come up with was that the familiarity of his home triggered thoughts that he could (should) do things whereas without those visual triggers he accepted help.
Your Mum sounds a bit more "with it" than FIL was by that point but if she won't accept help at home unfortunately she might end up in a home sooner than might otherwise be the case
Good luck getting something sorted out.
Hi nessy, you cant rationalise with anyone who has dementia - its just not possible, so stop trying. My mum also does not believe that she has Alzheimers, in fact she says that there is nothing wrong with her at all - despite having high blood pressure, atrial fibrillation, kidney failure and lots of falls as well as the Alzheimers. There is no point in arguing, so just accept that that is what she believes.
When mum first went into her care home if she asked why she was there I would say that it was convalescence and if she wanted to know when she was going home I would just say "soon". Be aware that "home" is often not the home they had come from - mum no longer recognised her home as hers - and the "home" is frequently a time when they were well and didnt feel so confused.
As you say, 3 days is no time at all to settle. Keep reminding yourself that she is safe, warm, fed and cared for.
When mum first went into her care home if she asked why she was there I would say that it was convalescence and if she wanted to know when she was going home I would just say "soon". Be aware that "home" is often not the home they had come from - mum no longer recognised her home as hers - and the "home" is frequently a time when they were well and didnt feel so confused.
As you say, 3 days is no time at all to settle. Keep reminding yourself that she is safe, warm, fed and cared for.
