Help for elderly parent living alone

[elbar23]

Hello
My mother is awaiting a dementia diagnosis but the GP is pretty clear that's what it is. She is verbally abusive and has aggressive mood swings (always has to be honest but getting worse now), hallucinations, is very unsteady on her feet, has had three bumps in the car in the last year. I am an only child, my dad died three year ago and I live abroad so Mum is very much on her own. I refuse to move back to the UK because our family are happy and settled here and also mum is extremely verbally abusive so I just can't face it. Also I don't want my children to be exposed to it more than they have to when we visit a few times a year.

My question is what can I do from here to help? It is almost impossible to get in touch with her GP. I spoke to them once but that was after ringing thirty times and finally mum ringing and demanding they call me. The Dr reassured me that there would be help and support for Mum but that was eight months ago and she still hasn't been diagnosed (hopefully soon but she gets muddled with appointment times and forgets. Surely that's a typical problem with dementia testing?!)

I really can't be there for her emotionally. But I'm concerned that there is literally no practical help.

Sorry, I'll cut to the question.... Does anyone have experience in what practical help is given to dementia patients that are living alone? She is feeding herself, doing the shopping, has a gardener and cleaner once a week and has done for years. But realistically I'm thinking she shouldn't be alone. What happens in that situation? Would she be forced into care? She would absolutely refuse. She told me a few years ago that if she ever needed to go into care, she would want me to kill her because she is a Christian so can't commit suicide because she wouldn't go to Heaven. (She probably thinks I'm going to hell anyway so it wouldn't make any difference if I did it!)

She has given finance and health power of attorney to a solicitor. Has anyone any experience of this? Should I just get her the diagnosis and if the GP deems her unable to care for herself, leave it to the solicitor?

Thanks in advance for any practical advice on what I can do. Like I said, I can't support her emotionally and I can't go back but the practicalities of organising care etc might fall on me so I want to know what I should be doing to help.


Thanks.

 

[canary]

Hello @elbar23

I think that, even apart from all the emotional barriers, as your mum has appointed someone else to be POA and you also do not live in UK, you are going to find it almost impossible to be involved in her care. Care is means tested and will therefore require Social Services to organise it and the POA to arrange finance. Also, once she has lost capacity, any decisions over her health and/or welfare will require a POA (or a Best Interest Meeting of involved health professionals if there is no POA)

Do you know who the POA is? If so I would suggest that you contact them to give them a heads-up that your mum has probable dementia. I would also contact your mums local Social Service Office and speak to Adult Services explaining your concerns and emphasising that someone else holds POA and that you live abroad so will be unable to be involved in her care.

By all means contact her as a daughter, if you wish (I wouldnt blame you if you didnt), but leave the care side to SS and the POA, because anything else is likely to be futile and frustrating on your part
xx

 

[elbar23]

Thank you. I will try GP to push for them to sort this diagnosis and then social services. I don't know the solicitor. Mum said it's all written down at her house so I can find it when she's gone.

It's good to know I can't do more. At least I don't feel bad that I should, if I can't! Thank you.

 

[Violet Jane]

I too think that you should get in touch with her attorneys and tell them that you think that your mother has dementia. If your mother has used solicitors to make a will then I would start with that firm. The gov.uk website has information about how to find out if there is a power of attorney and who the attorneys are but you may need your mother's cooperation to search the Office of the Public Guardian's registers.

On rereading your last post I'm puzzled by your mention of being able to contact a solicitor when your mother's 'gone'. Attorneys only act when the person is alive. Could your mother be talking about executors in her will rather than attorneys in powers of attorney?

 

[elbar23]

A solicitor definitely has POA because she gave examples of if she has to have care and there is nobody there to help her, they'd organise it and if she had to pay for someone to live with her they would organise that if she couldn't. I think the mention of details at home for me to find is more of a dig that I wouldn't visit her before she dies. I go three or four times a year depending on what the children have on during holidays but she repeatedly says that when I visit once a year. It is very difficult to tell what is dementia and what is her manipulating me. Both my parents have been gaslighting me for as long as I can remember and certainly my Dad did it to my Mum as well. I'm not sure about the other way around because she absolutely idolised him

 

[JoannePat]

Hi @elbar23 I agree with all of what @canary says.

You should certainly try to find the solicitor who has the POA, do they know how your mum is? Do they keep in contact with her?

Also, for you to get in contact with her local Adult Services and then put them in contact with POA.

Sending you hugs and thoughts, never an easy situation..........

Joanne x