Help, feeling so low

[breakingpoint]

Me again. So Mjm moved to a care home about 2 and a half weeks ago because I just wasn't able to sustain the level of support she needed to stay at home. She was extremely agitated and distressed at home and couldn't be left on her own. She would phone me and demand that I went to be with her. We hoped that we might be able to pit support in to keep her at home but because she's a self-funder I was told she'd have to wait months for a care act assessment and that we'd have to organise all the support. Anyway we found a lovely carehome and it just made more sense financially and practically as I'm burnt out for her to stay at the carehome.
My Mum is so angry and it is all focused on me. She sends me texts, up to 50 a day, saying really upsetting, horrible things and accusing me of being cruel, heartless and worse. But today her sister visited her and said she seemed fairly happy and that they'd had a nice time together and even laughed together. I just don't understand. How is it the can be so repeatedly and relentlessly horrible to me and okay with others? I feel I've spent my life trying to be the good daughter (my brother lives in another country and hasn't been any help). She blames me for putting my job before her wellbeing. I judt feel so low.

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @breakingpoint. What an awful time you are going through. Life can seem so bitterly unfair at times. Here you are, your Mum’s biggest supporter, but being blamed and treated so unfairly. It’s true that people lash out at their nearest and dearest, and never more true when that includes dementia in the mix. You know you have done the right thing, for all the right reasons, but your Mum is unable to work this out. To be honest, I would be tempted to block her texts temporarily, hopefully things will calm down. Take some time now to be kind to yourself.

 

[Grannie G]

Hello @breakingpoint

My husband and mother took out all their anger and frustrations on me because I was the one who had the most contact with them and they were angry I was making changes in their lives.

They were never as angry with anyone else.

I agree with @DeeCee7 Block your mother's number at least for a day. Tell the care home what you are doing so they will be informed.

 

[jennifer1967]

could the phone develop a "fault" with the carers having it to "fix" but they keep hold of it. you could then phone and talk to the carers to see they say the same thing. just keep repeating it.

 

[breakingpoint]

Thank you. I could cry at reading your quick, supportive replies. Just knowing people are out there who care enough to take the time to reply means so much to me. Thank you. I am now at the point where I just don't want to see her because I find it so upsetting. I try to rise above it and have been dropping off parcels of things I know she likes and needs but I really just wish someone else could deal with her for a while but I don't want her to feel abandoned.
You are all so kind. I really appreciate your support x

 

[Jaye59]

Me again. So Mjm moved to a care home about 2 and a half weeks ago because I just wasn't able to sustain the level of support she needed to stay at home. She was extremely agitated and distressed at home and couldn't be left on her own. She would phone me and demand that I went to be with her. We hoped that we might be able to pit support in to keep her at home but because she's a self-funder I was told she'd have to wait months for a care act assessment and that we'd have to organise all the support. Anyway we found a lovely carehome and it just made more sense financially and practically as I'm burnt out for her to stay at the carehome.
My Mum is so angry and it is all focused on me. She sends me texts, up to 50 a day, saying really upsetting, horrible things and accusing me of being cruel, heartless and worse. But today her sister visited her and said she seemed fairly happy and that they'd had a nice time together and even laughed together. I just don't understand. How is it the can be so repeatedly and relentlessly horrible to me and okay with others? I feel I've spent my life trying to be the good daughter (my brother lives in another country and hasn't been any help). She blames me for putting my job before her wellbeing. I judt feel so low.

I think good daughters (as we are) often receive some unreasonable behaviour from our mums once the dementia makes changes to their thinking. I too would suggest either blocking the number and /or telling mum your phone is faulty.. and don’t be too hard on yourself. We all struggle with the transition to a care home and worry about how our LO will settle. My mum has been in a good care home for 2.5 years and after a recent hospitalisation for pneumonia we have revisited when can i go home, why am i here etc.. so the struggles are there with us all at different times. Please take care of yourself and try to lose the guilt. We can only do our best . Sending you hugs xx

 

[breakingpoint]

Am now going to sleep remembering the hugs sent to me by caring strangers, so lovely of you xx

 

[special 1]

Me again. So Mjm moved to a care home about 2 and a half weeks ago because I just wasn't able to sustain the level of support she needed to stay at home. She was extremely agitated and distressed at home and couldn't be left on her own. She would phone me and demand that I went to be with her. We hoped that we might be able to pit support in to keep her at home but because she's a self-funder I was told she'd have to wait months for a care act assessment and that we'd have to organise all the support. Anyway we found a lovely carehome and it just made more sense financially and practically as I'm burnt out for her to stay at the carehome.
My Mum is so angry and it is all focused on me. She sends me texts, up to 50 a day, saying really upsetting, horrible things and accusing me of being cruel, heartless and worse. But today her sister visited her and said she seemed fairly happy and that they'd had a nice time together and even laughed together. I just don't understand. How is it the can be so repeatedly and relentlessly horrible to me and okay with others? I feel I've spent my life trying to be the good daughter (my brother lives in another country and hasn't been any help). She blames me for putting my job before her wellbeing. I judt feel so low.

 

[special 1]

Hi there. They say that the main carer always gets the worst end of the stick. No matter how nice you are or bending over backwards virtually doing everything they will always get it in the neck. I know how you feel as I get it from my Husband too. Take care.💔💔💔

 

[JoannePat]

I can only agree with everything else said here. We are often the ones that take the biggest hit. I don't know why the nearest and dearest have to be on the receiving end of their fury and frustrations. Also I agree about trying to get her phone away from her. If there was any emergency the CH would contact you.

Look after yourself, the thing that got me through the tough days was - my mum is getting 24/7 care and is being looked after, I have to look after myself.

Sending you love and hugs

xx

 

[LouiseW]

Well done you for everything you have done for your Mum, she is now has the care she needs and now it's time for you to give yourself the care YOU need.

Putting yourself first will not in any way affect your mum's care.

Block your Mums texts and calls, grieve and start recovering from the stress you have been through.

I wish you all the best, it's a hard road but it will get better.

 

[Jale]

Hi @breakingpoint , I think you need to take step back from your Mum - very difficult I know - but your Mum is in a safe place and being cared for. You need to try and get back to doing things for you.

Would it be possible for the phone to be broken or lost (removed by the carers), you could contact the home and ask how your Mum is doing if you want to.

As others have said, many of us, as daughters, have tried our very best only to be the one that the PWD turns on, hates, shouts at or generally just being horrible, and oh boy does that hurt. Mum would constantly tell me, and not very nicely, that I didn't care, didn't do anything at all whereas her son did everything. Not true at all but that seems to be the way the cookie always seems to crumble.

Mum is now in a nursing home, and I do visit regularly but sometimes I feel that I just need a break and I won't visit for a week, and Mum doesn't miss me - carers have said that when I leave she has forgotten within a minute that I have been to see her.

Hopefully in time your mum will become more settled, but in the mean time take care of yourself. x

 

[DeeCee7]

Hi @breakingpoint , I’ve been thinking of you and hope you are ok.

 

[breakingpoint]

Dear friends,
So, I'm afraid the nightmare continues. Over a week ago the carehome phoned us at 7.30am saying they couldn't care for Mum anymore so we needed to collect her. She was very angry, had been trying all the doors and trying to escape... short cut then to now she's back at home and I'm worried about how to keep her safe. I've managed to get social services involved and she has carers visiting morning and evening for up to 6 weeks while they assess her needs. A worker had visited her and reported that he felt she had no support needs! I couldn't believe it! Mum is really good at masking and really stubborn. (She told me she couldn't understand the male worker who came out to see her.) She would rather strip wash herself than admit she needs support to get into the bath. She will tell people she has food in the freezer (but that doesn't mean shes eating). She will tell me she feels "muzzy' and thst she doesn't understand what is happening. Ive tried to encourage her to tell the carers how she feels but she says they don't ask her so she doesn't tell them. She thinks that having carers is embarrassing. Also she would rather I helped her than a carer. Yesterday she texted me on her mobile to say her landline phone wasn't working. I managed to organise for a friend to call in to see what the problem was; she'd switched it off at the plug. She will phone me in the evenings very distressed and muddled.
I am just so worried that carers going in won't see her confusion and distress and will decide she won't need support which will put it all back on me. My GP has signed me off with "situational stress" for 2 weeks. I need to go back to my (stressful) job but I just feel like I am stuck with this situation and I don't know how to make things better. This evening my Mum said she wanted to cancel the social services visit as she wanted to go to bed. She said she feels she has no autonomy. I feel like I am having to fight to get support for her but then fight my mother to accept the support. Any ideas gratefully received. I just wish I could hand this all over to someone else for a while. I'm generally a pretty resilient person but don't think I have anything left.

 

[Fugs]

Dear @breakingpoint , I wonder if you should unplug your landline and switch off your mobile. Decide what input you are willing to provide, and try to ignore the guilt monster. There is only so much you can do to help someone who won't help themselves. The more you give, the more they will take. Easy to say, but very difficult to do.
Take care.

 

[Kath610]

Me again. So Mjm moved to a care home about 2 and a half weeks ago because I just wasn't able to sustain the level of support she needed to stay at home. She was extremely agitated and distressed at home and couldn't be left on her own. She would phone me and demand that I went to be with her. We hoped that we might be able to pit support in to keep her at home but because she's a self-funder I was told she'd have to wait months for a care act assessment and that we'd have to organise all the support. Anyway we found a lovely carehome and it just made more sense financially and practically as I'm burnt out for her to stay at the carehome.
My Mum is so angry and it is all focused on me. She sends me texts, up to 50 a day, saying really upsetting, horrible things and accusing me of being cruel, heartless and worse. But today her sister visited her and said she seemed fairly happy and that they'd had a nice time together and even laughed together. I just don't understand. How is it the can be so repeatedly and relentlessly horrible to me and okay with others? I feel I've spent my life trying to be the good daughter (my brother lives in another country and hasn't been any help). She blames me for putting my job before her wellbeing. I judt feel so low.

Hello @breakingpoint , this is absolutely typical dementia behaviour. I am in an identical situation to you but am slightly further along and it is getting easier.
My husband has late stage Alzheimer's and moved into a care home four weeks ago as an emergency placement because he was so aggressive and was becoming physically violent with me at home. This was directed solely at me, he was fine with everyone else. He took his anger and frustration out on me because I was the only other person at home. We have support from family and friends but (like you) I was the person who was there 24/7.
The day our son and I took him to the care home, he was quiet and compliant until it dawned on him that we were going to leave him there. He glared at me and quietly said, "You *****". This was fairly typical of the names he had been calling me at home and - like at home - I didn't give him any reaction. I did, however, inform the care home manager.
I was advised not to visit for a few days and not to visit often. Also, to bring someone else along with me and if my husband became aggressive, to quietly leave. So far I have visited roughly weekly , with our sons and my husband's sister. We only stay for about half an hour and time it so that we leave just as lunchtime is starting. I do not mention anything about home or about places he used to go.
He was hostile toward me on the first visit, refused to speak to me and moved away when I tried to kiss him goodbye. Since then, he has calmed down as he became used to the home's routines. When I visited a few days ago with my sister in law, he was fine, quite affectionate with me, bantering with the staff and going into the dining room quite calmly as we left.
My point is, the hostility and nasty behaviour should pass. Keep the staff informed of any unpleasant behaviour - they have seen it all before and can deal with it. Short visits, not too often, take someone with you if you can and be prepared to leave. Protect yourself and appreciate the time you have alone. My husband doesn't have a phone but if he had, and was behaving like your mother, I would block his calls and texts.
Very best wishes xx

 

[canary]

If a care home cant cope with her, why on earth do you think that you should be able to do it @breakingpoint ?
It sounds to me as though your mum was in the wrong care home. Somewhere that has proper experience of people with dementia would be able to cope.

In the meantime - step back. Let the carers do their work. They may be deceived for a short time, but I doubt your mum will be able to maintain it for long. Let it fail

 

[DeeCee7]

Hello @breakingpoint thank you for the update, bleak though it is. I would reiterate what others have said, this is a period of assessment so let SS see the worst it can be, not shored up by your many interventions. Step back. Of course she would rather it was you exhausting yourself, as PWD have no understanding of how their wants, needs and demands impact on others, it’s only ever all about them. I expect sundowning has an impact on her distressed calls in the evening. Tell her you can only speak to her on the phone at certain times , specified by you, and then don’t answer at other times. The more you make yourself available the more she will take, and so will SS. Tough love, is just that, tough. Take the rest of the time you have off work for yourself, a small respite break. There will be a care home out there that suits your mum’s needs better. Take care.

 

[TraceyK]

Hello @breakingpoint, sorry you're in this awful situation. This may seem harsh, but meant kindly...take a step back, make yourself temporarily unavailable. Your mum as you knew her has gone, & a hostile imposter has taken over. You love her, you don't have to like her, & some things aren't fixable. Don't let dementia ruin your life too, let the carers do their job & you care for yourself.

 

[Anna321]

My mum moved in with us 4 months ago, we used to get on fine, we bought this house together and she has her own sitting room and a separate bedroom. She wanted to move so we could take care of her when the time comes. However she often says she is lonely even though she lives with us. Says she wants to move to sheltered housing for more company and to be independent although she’s very independent here. We cook her an evening meal and clean and do her laundry, she goes out by herself and is still able to organise things. However she has started arguing with me lately saying I’m having a go at her constantly which is untrue, if my opinion differs to hers I’m having a go at her, now it seems everything I say is misconstrued, she has no humour, I feel afraid to talk to her now. I’m keeping out of her way as much as possible to avoid any more arguments, when she does see me she ignores me and sweeps past me. She’s nice to my husband who is the chef of the family. But she needs me for trips out to the hospital or events. The fact she wants to sell our house and move to sheltered housing after only 4 months is a complete shock to me and my husband as we thought we would live here forever and we have a lot of space. We paid a lot to move house and can’t afford to move again. I’m pretty sure she’s starting with dementia, she’s 88 and I’m concerned for the future.